letting go

So, I'm a pretty big control freak. I like to control every single aspect of my life. I knew every class I was going to take every semester of college from the minute I graduated high school. I always have a five year plan and never let anything mess up my plan. So, I obviously wanted to plan which months I got pregnant in order to deliver in my desired month. I didn't want winter because it was cold and everyone got sick. I didn't want May because my husbands family has too many birthdays etc... and I didn't want July, August or November because that's when my family has a ton of birthdays. This left me with March, April, June, September and October. That's less than half the year! And for someone who rarely ovulates, I've decided that I don't have the luxury of being that picky anymore. I'll just have to take advantage of any time I ovulate. I'll just have to let go, give up control and let it happen when it happens.

done temping

I stopped taking my temp today. I decided that it was stressing me out and making me obsess. My estrogen should be going up to make me ovulate, which (estrogen) is supposed to make me a little on the cooler side and my temps should stay down. But the last couple of days they have jumped up almost into the post-ovulation range. I know for a fact I have not ovulated, because with charting my cycles for 6 months, I have been able to tell by cervical fluid and there is NO QUESTION. The temps only reassure me that I was right, but only AFTER I've ovulated. So, they're really not helping me right now. I think the last two high temps were just because I had gotten out of bed to pee a couple of hours before I took my temp (which raises temps). I'm supposed to have 4 consecutive hours of sleep before taking my temp, take it first thing when I wake up and at the same time every day. Well, those don't always go together if I have to get up to pee at 3, but don't normally temp until 5.

And then I get all worried that my estrogen isn't rising like it should and I'm never going to ovulate, and I get stressed out.

So from now on, I'm only charting my fluid and I'll start taking my temps when I think I'm ovulating so I can know I'm right.

One more thing to remove the stress and try to relax

please please come on already

well, I didn't ovulate, so I took Progesterone (provera) and had a period last week. So today is day 11 of a new cycle. My last cycle was 77 days long and would have been longer had I not forced a period with fake hormones. It has been about a month and a half since we decided to officially start trying for a baby and we haven't even had a real opportunity to even have the possibility of getting pregnant. It's already getting so stressful just waiting and wondering if it will ever happen. I have days where I just lay around and cry because it just isn't fair. I'm depriving myself of anything delicious so I will ovulate and it's not working. I get so mad when I see pregnant women lately. I feel like they're everywhere. And I get even more mad when I see them eating delicious carbs. Why do I have to kill myself to get pregnant (and probably to stay pregnant) while others ovulate every month like clockwork and get pregnant on the first try. I found out last week that 4 of my coworkers are pregnant and due around the time that I could be due if I had ovulated when we decided to try. I get so frustrated. I took a trip to Chicago last week and went back and forth on whether or not to stick to the strict diet while there. I've been stressing out so much about this diet, that I think it's prolonging ovulation even more. Doctors say stress is the worst thing for trying to ovulate, but on the other hand the low carb diet although stressful, is supposed to help. So what is worse, stress or carbs? AHHH! So I decided that the trip was a time to relax and hopefully the metformin would take over and do it's job.

Today I'm back home and back on the strict low carb (the carbs made my tummy hurt anyway). I would LOVE if I ovulated on day 14 like normal people do, but I don't think it's going to happen. I usually have wetness 4 days out, and that would be today (not happening).

Come on come on come on. I'm going crazy. I need a therapist.