weight loss

so, I started weight watchers about a week ago with my sister. I weighed in at 17 lbs overweight/ 17 lbs over the maximum for my height. And, my doctors have been saying that losing about 15-20 lbs might help me get pregnant. Extra fat can throw off estrogen levels and create wacky hormones, so I thought I should give it a try. My doctor said I'm not really overweight enough that she would think it would make a difference, so there's no guarantee that will fix it, but she said I could try if I wanted. I figure, I have to try everything I possibly can to at least know if it has an impact or not. I HATE trying to lose weight. Every time I try, I tend to fall right back into the same eating disorder patterns I had in college. THe obsessions and the competitiveness. But, I'm trying really hard not to let myself go crazy, reminding myself that this weight loss is not for appearance reasons, but rather to get me that BABY! It's not too bad of a program, and I've done well except for yesterday when I had my sisters over and we made home made butter cream frosted Halloween Sugar cookies, and I ate four of them. But, you have to live sometimes. I think I've lost almost 4 lbs this week, but I'll know for sure tomorrow.
Still no ovulation on my own. Today is day 23 of my current cycle, and I have one month left of my 2 1/2 month break/ attempt to ovulate on my own before I start Provera and Clomid again in early december. It would be great if I would just get pregnant on my own before then. Maybe the weight loss will help wake up those stubborn eggs!

This says it all

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

asking is fine, but be careful with your comments

I love when people ask me how things are going. I never get offended or annoyed by that. I'm flattered that people care enough to be interested. But, the advice and comments can sometimes be a little insensitive. Please do not say to me:

"Don't worry it will happen"

"God will give you a baby when he's ready"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"relax and it will just happen"

"you're young, you have time"

"you can't control everything"

"you haven't been trying that long"- this one is particularly annoying to hear from someone who ovulates monthly. I ovulate three times a year, so it would take me four years to have the same number of opportunities as they have in one year. In the time I've been trying, I've had one real opportunity to get pregnant, where as most women would have had five.

And please NO advice about any diets or certain foods to eat or how much you should weigh etc... because honestly it doesn't matter. I was on a low carb/ high protein diet that didn't work and at the same time someone told me they heard peanut butter was bad for fertility. Well great, I've been eating tons of peanut butter to balance out my carbs and I know plenty of people who eat nothing but sweets and got pregnant on accident. Or some people say I need to lose weight, while others say you need fat on your body to carry a baby and that's why skinny women have trouble. And I know 300 lb women who get pregnant right away. Even if it does really make a difference, unless you yourself have had fertility problems, you don't get to give me any advice. I don't want to hear it from someone who could get pregnant doing whatever they want. And unless I ask for advice, all I want you to say is "I'm sorry, that sucks, I hope it happens soon and you deserve it".

staying calm

so, stress is supposed to be the worst thing. And I think this is true because after the round of clomid didn't work, I gave up on that cycle and ten days later ovulated on my own. I had quit taking my temp and ate whatever I want. Go figure. So, no more low carb for me, and I don't wake up to take my temp except on days that I work and get up early anyway. I'm also trying to think about the benefits of not getting pregnant right now....more money to save, more free time to ourselves, more sleep etc... if I convince myself I don't want it that bad and that it's no big deal if it doesn't happen, maybe it will just happen because I'm not trying so hard. No ovulation sticks either. I hate those things. Just hangin out and if I ovulate, we'll take advantage of it, but I'm not killing myself to make it happen anymore.

first clomid

It's been a rough couple of months. At the end of August, I couldn't take it anymore; after being on metformin, I still was not ovulating regularly, so I took more provera and a round of Clomid in early september. I was so excited and just knew I would ovulate and get pregnant because many people I know got pregnant on their first round of clomid. Well, I never got a positive ovulation stick, but just in case they were wrong, we tried to make a baby almost every day during the two week window I could have ovulated. And let me tell you how to kill romance and spontaneity! Jeez. It started out fun, but then quickly got old. It was a long two weeks only to find out on cycle day 21 that my progesterone was only 2.4. It needs to be above 15 to show if you ovulated. SOOO disappointed. I cried for two days straight. All that effort plus $75 on ovulation sticks for NOTHING. My doc said on cycle day 35, I would take provera and start clomid over again, but then I miraculously ovulated ON MY OWN on day 31. We timed things perfectly and I should have gotten pregnant for sure, but NOPE. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Once again another disappointment and day of crying. So, I have decided to take a break from Clomid until December. I want to see if I will ovulate on my own again. Since I started the Metformin in July, I hadn't given myself longer than 25 days to ovulate before I would call my Dr for more provera to start over. But, I wonder if I will again ovulate close to day 31 if I just give myself a chance. If nothing by early December, Clomid again! The only thing is, my DR won't increase my dose. She wants to do 3 rounds of the SAME dose. I think this is pointless and a waste of time, so I'm thinking of getting a second opinion. Also, now I worry that something else is going on other than me not ovulating. I should have gotten pregnant and don't know what went wrong, but apparently even when everything is timed perfectly, there is still only a 40% chance of conceiving. It's a wonder anyone gets pregnant.

letting go

So, I'm a pretty big control freak. I like to control every single aspect of my life. I knew every class I was going to take every semester of college from the minute I graduated high school. I always have a five year plan and never let anything mess up my plan. So, I obviously wanted to plan which months I got pregnant in order to deliver in my desired month. I didn't want winter because it was cold and everyone got sick. I didn't want May because my husbands family has too many birthdays etc... and I didn't want July, August or November because that's when my family has a ton of birthdays. This left me with March, April, June, September and October. That's less than half the year! And for someone who rarely ovulates, I've decided that I don't have the luxury of being that picky anymore. I'll just have to take advantage of any time I ovulate. I'll just have to let go, give up control and let it happen when it happens.

done temping

I stopped taking my temp today. I decided that it was stressing me out and making me obsess. My estrogen should be going up to make me ovulate, which (estrogen) is supposed to make me a little on the cooler side and my temps should stay down. But the last couple of days they have jumped up almost into the post-ovulation range. I know for a fact I have not ovulated, because with charting my cycles for 6 months, I have been able to tell by cervical fluid and there is NO QUESTION. The temps only reassure me that I was right, but only AFTER I've ovulated. So, they're really not helping me right now. I think the last two high temps were just because I had gotten out of bed to pee a couple of hours before I took my temp (which raises temps). I'm supposed to have 4 consecutive hours of sleep before taking my temp, take it first thing when I wake up and at the same time every day. Well, those don't always go together if I have to get up to pee at 3, but don't normally temp until 5.

And then I get all worried that my estrogen isn't rising like it should and I'm never going to ovulate, and I get stressed out.

So from now on, I'm only charting my fluid and I'll start taking my temps when I think I'm ovulating so I can know I'm right.

One more thing to remove the stress and try to relax