Wasting time

When I have very young children, I have this problem of not taking advantage of every single opportunity to be productive. Sometimes it's just because I'm so exhausted that all I want to do is rest, which I guess is ok, but more often, exhaustion is not the reason.

I find myself just standing or sitting and doing absolutely nothing in a moment while the kids are doing a good job of entertaining themselves. I could be getting some laundry folded or dishes put away, but I don't.

I call this couch prison. 

I almost feel trapped or frozen. Like I really want to get up and get busy but something is holding me back. Not energy, but something else. 

I'm not sure if it's that if I get up and start doing something, they will hear me and suddenly I will have distracted them from their lovely self play and then they will stop playing and proceed to whine at my ankles. 

Or maybe it's that I hate starting a project and not being able to finish it. It drives me crazy if I start cleaning the kitchen and have all the momentum going and suddenly I have to stop to console/feed/ clean or rescue someone and don't get to finish what I was doing. Because with my kids, once you've picked them up, it's hard to put them back down and it's almost not worth the fight. 

And then I'm left looking at a kitchen that still appears fairly dirty even after I put in all that work. It's extremely frustrating and defeating.

Or maybe it's that I've grown to feel like it's pointless to pick up the house. I clean up the kids rooms and playroom and put everything in these nicely organized bins and beautifully lined up rows only for them to dump all the bins out into a giant pile on the floor again. 

Some moms are able to get their kids to only play with one toy at a time and know to pick up one toy before getting out the next but I'm not sure how they do this. Do they monitor their playing continuously? These seem to be the same moms whose house is always perfectly clean. But when do they have time to clean it if they are always hovering over their kids? 

I don't know about them but as soon as my kids find an activity that entertains them, I feel like that is my chance to finally walk away and either get something done or just have a moment to myself. And this is when they proceed to completely trash a room that I have recently cleaned. Sometimes I think it's better to just leave the room trashed all the time and not waste my efforts. 

Or maybe the couch prison moment is when the kids are napping. I have a pretty small one story house and most cleaning has the potential to wake them up. 

Whatever the reason, I just know I'm always feeling behind and out of time yet I also feel like I have moments where I'm doing nothing. My house is forever a mess and I think I will forever feel like I'm failing at this perfect mom thing. 

what about the mom?

I haven't posted in over a year since the twins were born because well, who has time to sit down and type? Not this mom. Today the kids are playing nicely together, so here it is...
As I was on a family trip out of town this past week, I heard multiple people say they were concerned about how tired Erik seemed/ must be and that maybe they should do something to give HIM some rest. This really got to me because this seems to be a common theme. "He has all three kids by himself?" "I bet he's tired when you get home from work!" "He deserves an award". People act like he's doing me a favor, like he's babysitting for me or something. Guess what, these are HIS kids too!
I need to say here that Erik is an amazing husband and father and ALWAYS helps me as much as he can and never makes me feel like it's only my job. It's all the other peoples comments that irritate me.
What I've realized is that simply because I'm the mom, I must enjoy every second of being around the kids. When you become a mom, you stop being seen as a human. You shouldn't get tired or irritated or overwhelmed. You're suddenly ONLY a mom. Time for yourself? Not necessary. Need for adult conversation? Not anymore. Rest? Forget it. Moms seem to actually be looked down on if they want time away from their children. If we have a day where we just want to lay on the couch and let the kids destroy the house, people think you are a bad mom.
I have a relative who once criticized my sister a few years ago (who was a stay at home mom) for being on facebook too much. Now that I have kids of my own, I see why she was on Facebook a lot. Being at home with three little kids is isolating and lonely and mind numbing. You don't talk to anyone about anything interesting. You don't do anything productive. You sit around in piles of toys and laundry that you can't do anything about because these clingy little monkeys scream and pull on your pant legs if you try to move two feet away from them. Facebook is a peek into the outside world. It's a bit like being in prison and you'll take any opportunity to see what other adults are doing or to engage in conversation with them. This relative who criticized my sister had no idea what she was going through and he is of course a man. Men are treated differently in the parenting world. It is normal for them to need time for themselves or take a break and they deserve a prize in other peoples eyes if they help out with bath or dinner time. Do moms get a prize? No. In fact, you are scrutinized if you don't do it perfectly. Everything is the moms fault and the moms responsibility. If someone comes to my house and sees just how messy it is, they don't think "man Erik needs to clean up", nope it's on me.
Erik has the kids alone about once every two weeks and every single time, his parents offer to help him out. I have the kids alone six times as much as he does and it is rare that someone offers to help me and when they do it is always because I prompted it with some kind of desperate facebook status or text describing how miserable my day is. An offer "just because" someone felt like helping almost never happens for me.
I took my kids into paul mitchell the school so my younger sister could do their hair for their birthday portrait session. I got a few "looks" (not friendly) and my sister tells me that they don't really like kids here. They like to keep a "professional" image and kids get on peoples nerves. Paul mitchell is not the only place I've encountered like this. Most of the world does not accommodate children. The thing is, I agree that kids are freaking annoying. Believe me, I have to live with them! But I'm still a person who needs to go places and get things done and because I have kids, I'm not welcome. I am a "professional" as well, but now that I've procreated, I don't belong in those places. People have kids. Always have, Always will. It's a part of life that people who don't currently have young kids refuse to accommodate.  Just one more way that moms are isolated.
I like to compare this to handicapped people. Businesses are required to go out of their way to accommodate them. It is wrong to think of them as being in the way or as being a bother. They make ramps for them and help them out the door. As they should!
But moms should be seen as having a handicap too. We have these mentally impaired people who don't yet know social rules or how to follow directions. Often we are wheeling them around in "wheelchairs" (strollers).
Or the elderly. They often need a glass of water to take their medication or help to and from their cars and people are always willing to help. They are not unwelcome in public places because they take a little more maintenance.
If anything, people should feel sorry for moms and be willing to help them make even the smallest task just a little bit easier. My kids are getting on your nerves? Imagine how I feel! I'm the one responsible for trying to keep them quiet so they don't bother you. What I really want to say is "you know what, I don't feel sorry for you! You have to endure 15 minutes of more noise than you would like? And then you can go back to your quiet car and your quiet home and do whatever the hell you want? Cry me a freaking river! Do you have any idea how hard my daily life is?!"
I often have three screaming children in the back seat. Once in this past year I was driving along and both twins were crying and Corynn was whining something at me. Anyone who has experienced driving with criers knows just how nerve wracking it is! Really one of the most irritating things. Of course I was in a hurry to get home and get the kids the heck out of the car and so at one point I cut a lady off to quickly get in the lane I needed. She honked at me and made some kind of angry gesture in my rear view mirror. But I didn't feel bad at all! She was a 50 something lady in a comfortable luxury car ALONE, with a cold beverage in her hand and probably listening to her favorite music. I don't feel even a little bit bad that I made her have to hit her brakes. Again, cry me a freaking river. I need a bumper sticker that says "screaming babies on board... mom gone crazy".
I know many people think and say "you had the kids, you take care of them". Yes I did have these kids and I REALLY wanted these kids, and it is my job to raise them and I don't expect anyone else to take care of them but it would be nice if people had the attitude of "what can I do to make a moms day easier?" instead of "get your kids away from me".
And this is from people who don't currently have kids...not to mention the mompetition from all the other moms who always think their way is the only and the best way to be a mom. But that's a whole other post.
I often think that I love love love my kids but I don't love being a mom. It's hard hard work with no breaks. Sometimes I think "why did I want kids again?" (Of course I'm frequently reminded of the answer to that question).
They are my greatest gift and blessing and I love them more than anything, but the day to day business of taking care of them can really bring a girl down. I have never needed an antidepressant until now. I started taking one when the twins were five months old and it does help.
But I can't help but still be saddened by the lack of sympathy and support that is out there for moms. People either don't get it or just don't care.
I hear a lot of "I did my time" from the older generations when they want to do anything but help me. I get that. In fact, I already look forward to when I can say the same words. But my goal is to try not to. I suppose they say it because the same words were spoken to them. They did most of the work alone so they too are completely worn out. Whereas if people had been willing to help them, they might not be as tired and wouldn't think of it as "doing time" and in return they would help me. Someone along the way has to change that cycle of thinking. I hope I can do that for my adult children.
Now, I'm not wanting someone to watch my kids for me every day. But the occasional "I can watch them for an hour while you clean your kitchen" would sure be nice.
It's no secret that early motherhood has been a struggle for me! I was an older sibling of much younger siblings that I helped care for often and I'm a NICU nurse surrounded by babies and yet I STILL didn't realize what I was getting myself into. It is so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for.
Up until age two when they know how to use words, a fork and the toilet, motherhoood doesn't suit me well. Not that I'm not good at it. In fact, I think I'm pretty amazing at it considering I had a two year old and twin infants. I mean, that alone makes me supermom. When I say it doesn't suit me, I mean I don't enjoy it. I didn't like breast feeding, I don't like baby wearing, and I can't stand the screaming. I much prefer kids over babies.
feels good to vent about it a bit. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

the birth story

Looks like my instincts were off a bit. I had really really thought I would not go into labor early. I thought I would go all the way to my induction date of Sep 4th and that we would look back on the bedrest and think it was over-kill. But on Monday July 30th at 32 weeks and 5 days I got a reality check.

Corynn was at my sisters that day as usual for mondays and I was just laying in my recliner as usual. It was a cloudy overcast day and I had woke up at like 3am that morning and just felt "off". Couldn't get comfortable, couldn't sleep yet I was really really tired. I napped on and off through the morning and did a whole lot of nothing. At around 3pm I spent about 20 minutes painting the letters O and E to hang on the nursery wall. 

What's funny is that all day I had been wondering what it's like to go into labor on your own. Yes, I knew what contractions felt like but with Corynn I was induced so I went from nothing to full labor in a matter of minutes. So I just wondered if I would know when labor was starting. I wondered if it would start mild or would it be just like the induction or would it be a much longer gradual process? I even posted some questions about it on baby center. It was heavily on my mind that day.
I also didn't know this until after they were born, but it was also a full moon and apparently if you're "ready" a full moon is likely to send you into labor.

 At my 32 week check up just 6 days prior, I hadn't been having any contractions and no more dilation since 28 weeks and Owen was breech so we weren't worried about the pressure of his head anymore, so my OB gave me permission to do some small things again and one of those was driving. She said since my cervix had no change at all and my meds were working to keep contractions away, she felt confident that I wasn't going into labor and felt safe reducing my restrictions just a bit.
So, at 4pm on July 30th I left my house to go pick up Corynn from my sisters house so that we would be home when Erik got home from work a little after 5:00. As soon as I sat down in the car I felt a crampy pressure, but I'd had lots of feelings like that before so I just thought it was my usual discomfort. I stopped at sonic to get a vanilla ice cream cone for a snack and while I was sitting there I realized I kept getting these cramps every 5-6 minutes. My scheduled procardia dose was due at 5pm so I just thought my med was getting close to wearing off. No big deal, happens all the time. I would just get home and take my med and they'll go away. So I ate my ice cream and started driving and as I drove they kept coming 5 min apart and were gradually getting a little more uncomfortable. I started to wonder if I should worry when I realized I was having an abnormal amount of road rage and irritability toward all the traffic on I35. They were making me uncomfortable enough that having to sit in rush hour traffic was really getting to me. 

I arrived at my sisters house and at this point they were still just cramps so I easily walked in, used the restroom, could talk through them no problem and I told my sister what I'd been feeling but told her it was probably nothing. She loaded Corynn in the car for me and I went on my way with one half of me wondering if this could be it and the other half of me thinking "no way". 

As I drove home, they continued to grow in intensity but still not to the point where I would call them "contractions". 

I got home at about 5:15pm and as soon as I stood up out of the car I had my first pain that I would call a contraction. It was the familiar pain I remembered from Corynn's birth. As I walked up my sidewalk I had a ton of pressure that made it a little difficult to walk or stand up straight. This is when I actually started to get a little worried. 

I took my procardia along with a PRN vistaril in hopes that the two meds together would knock out the cramps. I sat in my recliner and waited to see what would happen. I told both grandmas what was happening but told them I wasn't really sure if it was labor or not. I knew that if it wasn't real labor, my meds would get rid of it but if it was "real" the meds would not work. Eriks mom who lives in manhattan KS was already in Lawrence for a meeting and asked me if I thought she should just come this way or head back home to Manhattan? I told her I wasn't sure. I also didn't tell any of my close friends or other family because I hate getting everyone excited over false labor. I knew if I went to the hospital, they would just do the same thing I did at home.... give me meds and wait for them to work. So I decided I would wait an hour to see if they did the job. I took the meds at 5:30 and by 6:30 the contractions had gotten to the point that I couldn't talk through them. I would have to stop and grip the chair in pain. If I stood up, they would get really bad. At this point Erik was trying to convince me to go to the hospital. He was pointing out that none of my previous false labor/ braxton hicks contractions ever caused pain and that if I was in pain it had to be the real thing. Part of me knew he was right but I still thought the meds could kick in at any moment and I would hate to get to the hospital only for everything to stop and I feel like an idiot and get everyone worked up over nothing, so I told him I wanted to wait until 7:30. That would give the meds two whole hours to try and work.
Erik thought I was insane and proceeded to pack our hospital bag while I was in denial.
He was worried because my labor was pretty quick with Corynn and he was afraid I would end up trying to deliver a breech baby in the car and they would die in the process. Once he made this arguement I decided that yes maybe I should at least call the on call OB and see what they think I should do. At about 7pm I put in the call and waited for her to call back. After I left my message I got up to use the restroom and HOLY HELL contraction! I had to hold on to the walls and then I had a bit of bloody show and decided I better get to the hospital. I yelled out to Erik "umm yeah, we need to hurry up and go" and he replied "I told you!"
As I was getting in the car the OB called back and I didn't ASK her what I should do, I told her "I'm  almost 33 weeks with twins and have been having painful contractions 5min apart since 4pm so I'm headed to the hospital." She replied with a panicked sounding "SINCE 4:00?!" Oops, guess I should've gone sooner?
She then inquired what pregnancy this was for me and then asked how quick my first labor went (2.5hrs) and then told me "OK I just ran a red light, I'll see you at the hospital."
At this point I called my mom and Erik called his mom who had now made it all the way home to manhattan and now had to turn around. These were the only people who got the memo. By this point I was just so focused on the pain on the way to the hospital that I neglected to tell anyone else about what was going on. One of my sisters didn't even know what was happening until Erik texted her right when we were going in for csection and Erik's mom apparently didn't arrive until right as they were being born. Once I had realized I was in real labor, things just moved so quickly.
Erik dropped me at the door and I hobbled myself in to the front desk to check in while hunched over the counter swaying back and forth during contractions. Erik parked the car and he and Corynn joined me in the waiting room. By 7:30 I was checked into my room and was now in tears with the contractions. Shortly after, my parents arrived and one of my sisters came to get Corynn.
The OB came in at about 7:45 and checked me and I was 4cm 80% with significant bloody show. I had previously been 2cm 30% at my last OB appointment and had been the same for four weeks. The doc did a quick ultrasound to confirm that Owen was still breech. He was. She said the plan would be to watch me for a little bit and see if I progressed quickly which would tell them that it's unstoppable real labor and then proceed with a csection or if I didn't progress much they would start magnesium again in an attempt to stop labor. They also gave me another steroid shot in addition to the ones I had at 28 weeks. My contractions were coming about 2-4 min apart although they looked tiny on the monitor. This happened with Corynn too.. My braxton hicks contractions always looked bigger and more "real" than when I was actually in labor. The real contractions are so much deeper/ internal and harder to detect from the surface.
But because of how I was reacting to these "small" contractions, the OB decided to check me again at 8:15 and I was 5cm and 100% so she made the decision to go ahead with the csection. At this point I was in bad pain and asked for my epidural to which my nurse said I could have once we get in the O.R.
I was thinking that we would be heading that way immediately and voiced my concern that I progress quickly and I wanted to make sure that I didn't progress so fast that there would be no time for an epidural. It was very important to me that I NOT be put under general anesthesia!
My nurse stood there and proceeded to chart on her computer!! After about 20 minutes went by, I had a strong contraction and yelled "HURRY"! The OB was also in the room at this point and she looked up at me and then at the nurse and said "alright, we need to be getting her in the O.R." and she started to unplug my bed and then yelled out to the nurses station "I need some help in here". My current nurse then pipes up " Oh,I've got it dr L" and the OB said "well, you need to get off the computer and get moving." There was definitely some tension between the two of them, but I was glad she was so pushy with her. If I had been a vaginal delivery, I would've had my epidural already but because I was going to be a csection and they preferred to just do everything in the O.R., I had to deal with the pain for an extra 45 minutes while my nurse poked around. I was rather annoyed about it, especially because I knew we could possibly run out of time.
At 8:45 I was taken to the O.R. and got my epidural. Sweet heaven! Again, just like my last two epidurals, it didn't hurt at all and went in easily with no problems. The Doctor checked my cervix one more time just to see how far down she would have to pull Owen out of the birth canal. She said I was now 6cm with feet hanging down. I was dilating about 1cm every 30 minutes.
They had a little trouble getting enough medication to make me completely numb which worried me because I did not want to be put to sleep and miss the birth. I think that would be horrible. But eventually it worked.
First came Owen at 9:19 pm. I heard a beautiful cry that brought tears to my eyes. He was pink and perfect and had apgars of 8 and 9 and needed no oxygen immediately after birth. Perfect. He was 4lb 6oz. Then I waited for Eden. I could feel a lot more tugging and pulling and manipulating with her. I didn't know until that day that the epidural does not take away the feeling of touch, it only removes pain. I could feel every hand and finger poking around in my abdomen. The mood in the room went from laughter and joy to a tense and serious situation. The OB was having trouble getting Eden out. I wasn't worried at this point though because I always thought a csection was such a controlled situation that really nothing could go wrong as far as delivery of the baby/ birth trauma. Apparently I was wrong about this. After about five minutes of manipulation and a couple extra cuts to my uterus, Eden was out. No cry. She was purple and floppy. The OB gave her a strong sternal rub and Eden let out a cry and I breathed a sigh of relief. Once they had her on the warmer we could see how horribly bruised she was, especially her left arm which was completely purple and swollen. She would cry a bit but then stop breathing again and the team would have to bag her (give manual breaths with the resuscitation bag). After several apneic episodes (not breathing) they decided to take her out to the NICU. Her apgars were 3,5 and 7. She weighed 4lb 2oz. It is unclear what time she was born. When I asked in the delivery room, everyone was like "ummmm I'd say about 9:23 or so". I think the situation was so intense that no one had bothered to look at the clock when she arrived. Her birth certificate says 9:23 but her NICU bracelet and documentation says 9:26 but if you watch the video Erik took, she was actually born at 9:24. Five minutes apart is a long time for a csection! Apparently what happened was after Owen was born, Eden took advantage of all the space and flipped from a head down position to  transverse and curled up in a tight ball with her left side facing the small incision. According to my doctor, it is near impossible to deliver a baby in this position from a tiny typical csection incision. She explained that if they cut me completely open, then yes a csection would be uneventful no matter what, but she said that delivering through a tiny bikini incision is just as limiting as delivering through the vagina. She said you really need the baby to be head or butt first. The only thing that makes the csection safer is that you can make the hole bigger if needed.
The OB that delivered me attempted to turn Eden and managed only to get her left arm out in the process. At this point my uterus started to clamp down as it would normally do after the baby is delivered. This can happen in twins once the first baby is out. So, Edens arm was stuck outside of the uterus getting squeezed while the rest of her is stuck on the inside. At this point the OB had no choice but to widen my horizontal incision more as well as make a vertical incision to my uterus in order to finally release Eden. As she was sewing me up she told me I could never try a vbac if I ever wanted more kids because my uterus was DONE after this. Luckily, we are also DONE having kids.
After Eden was taken away, they swaddled Owen and let me hold him for a couple minutes before taking him to the NICU. My babies were finally here and I was happy and relieved.

out of control

my blood sugars have been much harder to manage this pregnancy compared to when I was pregnant with Corynn. With her, I had no trouble controlling them with diet and I could even occasionally take a little extra bite of something yummy and it wouldn't really affect my sugar. I only took 2.5 mg of glyburide at night with her because my fasting sugars would occasionally be over 90, but that's it.
This time having two placentas is making it impossible to control. I take 7.5mg glyburide at morning AND night. I have been so strict and eating even less carbs than they say I can have just to try and keep my blood sugar down below 120 (two hours after meals) but my sugars are STILL high.
For example: I have to have a snack with protein and up to 20g of carbs right before bed to hold my sugar stable through the night so that I don't get low and in response my liver would release glucose stores thinking I'm starving which would make my fasting sugar high. Lately my fastings have been high so the other night I had two hard boiled eggs and a glass of milk for my snack and my fasting was 102 the next morning!! With Corynn I would only have a high morning sugar like that if I tried to cheat and have 1/2 cup of ice cream with pb for my bedtime snack.
This is insane! So then I had a sausage biscuit from mcdonalds for breakfast. This has always been one of my favorite diabetes friendly things to eat. It's yummy, has plenty of filling protein and only 34g of carbs (I'm allowed 45 in a meal). Well two hours after eating that my sugar was a whopping 152!! So I skipped my morning snack to try and get it back down and for lunch I only had a half turkey sandwich with ONE slice of bread (18g carbs) because a few days ago my full turkey sandwich (36g) gave me a sugar of 121 which isn't horrible but the fact that it was even over the line was so stupid! So after my no snack and half lunch, my sugar finally came down to 97 and then I was STARVING and inhaled a hamburger like a starved orphan.
I called my OB yesterday to tell her that I don't know what to do anymore. I'm already cutting out carbs that I'm supposed to be eating and I'm really hungry all the time yet my sugars are still high.
The other night I had green beans and cooked tofu for dinner. NO CARBS. Well, I think tofu has like 6grams, but it's basically no carbs and I didn't even check two hours later bc I figured it would be fine. I did however check it four hours after because I was going to have my bedtime snack and it was 116! This would be a great number for the two hour mark but FOUR HOURS??!! Makes me wonder what it actually was at the two hour mark.
So my OB called back and said she is not comfortable increasing my medication dose anymore without perinatal approval. She is sending me for a consult with them because we're really out of options. She doesn't want me to restrict my carbs anymore because I need to be eating SOME carbs for energy or I'll start producing ketones which is not good for the babies.
I am very frustrated because I feel like no matter how hard I'm trying, I'm harming my babies. Diabetes is a well known cause of a prematurely aging placenta like Owen has. I feel like it's my fault yet there's nothing else I can do. I hope the perinatologist has some insight.

no news is good news

had my weekly ultrasound. These are so good for my mental health. They keep me satisfied for about 3-4 days and then I start getting antsy for another one.
Owens placenta is still looking very aged (grade 3) but so far is functioning great. Both passed their bios and cord flows looked great. Really nothing new to share.
Eden was head down but it doesn't really matter because Owen is still breech and he has to be head down to deliver vaginally because he's first. Bad boy.
My contractions had been feeling lower and more intense so I asked my doctor to check my cervix and I'm still at 2cm. My contractions are only like maybe two an hour while on the procardia so this is keeping me from dilating further.
32 weeks tomorrow and I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to have them here and stop worrying about them.
My sugars have been getting hard to control again. Two placentas is killing me! I already eat less carbs than I'm allowed and my sugars are still high, so my doc increased my dose of glyburide again.
That's about all. Pretty low key appointment.

THE NURSERY!

Yesterday I finally got to see the nursery for the first time. I hadn't wanted to put any effort into doing a nursery myself because I was afraid it would crush me if something bad happened to the babies, so my mom wanted to do one for me.
At first I didn't want to see it until the babies came home from the hospital  and if something happened to them, I wanted it all taken down so I would never have to look at it. But then I started thinking about it and realized that if something tragic were to happen, having not seen the nursery would not help my grieving. In fact, it might make it worse in a way by just trying to ignore it and not confronting it. I would still always have known there was a nursery that I never saw and then I think I would regret never having seen it or enjoyed it.
So, I decided I wanted to see it once my mom was finished and that day was yesterday!
It is so beautiful. The cribs are back to back and have their names on them.. Owens has a blue background and Edens has a coral background and they both have a sunshine and either starfish or flowers around their name. The whole room is done in a beach theme which I LOVE. The furniture is white and the walls are a very light beige and cream to look like sand and the curtains are roman shades that kind of look like burlap (but isn't) and are pulled up with thin rope and starfish hanging from them. There is a lamp with sea shells inside. The sheets and bumpers are white but the bed skirts are blue for the "water". Owen has a blue Whale in his bed and my mom is making a coral seahorse for Eden's bed.
There are three paintings on the wall of little kids playing in the sand at the beach. Two girls and a boy.
I sat in the room pretty much all day. I started slowly organizing drawers and the closet, although I couldn't do much because of my bed rest, so there's still a lot of organizing to be done.
I was so happy but of course couldn't shake the feeling of anxiety and slight sadness. Every time I start to get anything ready for the babies, I have this struggle with being happy vs cautious and sad. I hate it. I just felt kind of down all day. I would sit in the room and stare at everything and just hope that the babies survive and that I will get to use the nursery. I'm so so so so afraid I won't bring them home to that room and then I'll have to come home to it and take it all down. These feelings just get in the way of me being truly happy.
I love the room, but I want my babies here so I can stop worrying about them!

31 week update

So, I got it clarified... the perinatologist had only written a recommendation to my OB to "follow up in two weeks" with an ultrasound. She did not specify that growth needed to be checked or that I should have it checked every two weeks, that is just how I understood it.
My OB emphasized that growth measurements are so small that looking at a change any more often than every four weeks will not give you good accurate information. So, we will only measure growth monthly. Looking at placentas and cord flow IS in fact a part of a biophysical profile scan, so we will be checking on that weekly. I was satisfied that at least this would be looked at frequently.
This time both babies were moving around and doing breathing exercises right away and passed their bios within the first minute. Edens placenta doesn't look too bad but Owens is pretty bad. It's a grade 3 now and looks really calcified, but both of their cord flows were 2.6-2.8 this time which is totally normal thanks to my bed rest . I was VERY happy about this! The US tech explained that they would never deliver early based solely on a calcified placenta. She said they look at how well the placenta is functioning to make that decision and the best indicators of that are cord flow (S/D ratio), amniotic fluid level and growth and if all of those things are fine, there is no need to worry. She said she's seen really calcified placentas produce huge healthy babies and seen really perfect looking placentas produce tiny growth restricted babies. She said a calcified placenta by itself is really nothing to worry too much about.
And then I saw my OB and she told me all the same things and said that with the way the babies are looking, we will still plan on going to the full 38 weeks. She said at this point she has no real reason to take them early. We will of course reevaluate on a weekly basis, but for now we're saying 38 weeks. She doesn't think I'll make it that far and thinks I'll go into labor on my own before that. But honestly, I disagree with her.
If I had to guess, I will NOT go on my own despite all this preterm labor/ dilation drama. We did this same thing with Corynn. At 35 weeks I was having regular "contractions" and dilated to 2.5cm and 80% effaced. I lost my mucus plug the next day. I continued to dilate about 1cm a week as well as have regular braxton hicks contractions. My doctor said every week that I would go into labor any day. I NEVER did. I made it to 39 weeks and was induced at 5cm 100%. Who knows how long I would've gone on my own before going into labor!
Of course this time this same thing started to happen at 28 weeks so it was a little more worrisome and we needed to take it seriously and treat it as pre term labor even if it wasn't the real thing. I honestly think that this is just what I do... I have a lot of regular braxton hicks weeks and weeks before I were to go into labor and my cervix dilates easily so these BH cause me to start slowly dilating, but it doesn't mean anything "real" is going to happen. And now I'm on medication to stop my BH contractions so I REALLY don't think I will go into labor on my own. Plus the bed rest I'm sure prevents me from rapidly dilating.
My doctor didn't check my cervix yesterday. She said she'll only check it if I start having more contractions again. No need to stir things up at this point now that everything is calmed down.
Both babies are still breech this week. I think it's getting pretty crowded in there because their movements are pretty small now and my doctor decided to go ahead and schedule me for a csection on September 4th so that we can get a 'good O.R. time" (good for her I think).This is pending the peri's approval because Shawnee mission has a strict policy of not delivering before 38 weeks for twins and 39 weeks for a single. I will be 37wk 6days on Sep 4th, and I asked "would they seriously care about a one day difference?" and she said that yes they are kind of nazis about it and won't allow anything any earlier without an emergent reason or perinatal approval. My doctor ONLY delivers at Shawnee Mission on Tuesdays, so if we don't do it that day, I'll have to wait until Sep 11 when I'll be one day away from 39 weeks. Ugh, pleas NO! My belly will be measuring at 48 weeks by then. Hopefully the peri approves Sep 4th.
As far as CS vs induction she said we can always cancel the csection if they flip head down again but for now she's thinking that may not happen. Oh well, at this point I don't really care how they get here. Of course I would prefer a vaginal delivery but it's not that big of a deal to me. I've accepted the high possibility of a csection.
At 34 weeks I will switch to more of a modified bed rest and at 35 or 36 weeks we will start weaning me off of the pericardia and after that point we just let things happen naturally. But I would be willing to put money on it that NOTHING will happen.
In other news, I have had very little weight gain due to my GD diet. At 24 weeks I had gained 12 lb and then it pretty much came to a halt. At my 29 week appointment I had gained 1 more lb for a total of 13lb. But this past week I had said to Erik that I felt like I was gaining weight. I started getting puffy and swollen an my clothes just felt tighter. Sure enough I gained 6lb in TWO weeks time! This is the biggest most rapid pregnancy weight gain I've ever had. I couldn't believe it because I feel so freaking hungry all the time and never get to eat anything yummy, so I know the weight gain can't be from too many calories. My doctor just said that this is the time for the most rapid growth and weight gain of the babies and in addition to two heavy babies, I'm starting to retain fluid. My lips and nose look puffy and if I stand for more than about 5 minutes or even have my feet dangling instead of elevated, they start to puff up, swell, throb and turn  a blotchy purplish red color and I develop some lovely cankles. I never really had this too bad with Corynn, so this is new for me. My stretch marks are also starting to hurt and itch and burn and my skin is really shiny and stretched looking and starting to crack and flake.
Back to the subject of diabetes, my doctor said that the fact that I have to be so strict with my diet or my sugars will go crazy high is a good sign that the placentas are functioning well. She said that if they start crapping out that they will secrete less hormones (that bind to my insulin receptor sites) and I would notice a change in my sugars. They would start to be much lower and I would be able to eat more carbs without consequence. So this makes me feel pretty comfortable because I can NOT budge with my carbs right now and this info gives me something to work with to feel like I have some way of monitoring them in between appointments.
I never feel like they move enough and have started getting my doppler out again and doing my own home non-stress tests. I did tell my doctor that I don't feel like they move enough, although they do move and she said it's fine as long as they're moving and reminded/ reassured me that they just don't have much space. I'm always amazed that they pass their bios so well because I'm such a worried wreck that I'm always convinced something is wrong, but then every week I'm reassured that they are just fine. I'm so grateful for weekly ultrasounds to take my anxiety down a notch.