THE NURSERY!

Yesterday I finally got to see the nursery for the first time. I hadn't wanted to put any effort into doing a nursery myself because I was afraid it would crush me if something bad happened to the babies, so my mom wanted to do one for me.
At first I didn't want to see it until the babies came home from the hospital  and if something happened to them, I wanted it all taken down so I would never have to look at it. But then I started thinking about it and realized that if something tragic were to happen, having not seen the nursery would not help my grieving. In fact, it might make it worse in a way by just trying to ignore it and not confronting it. I would still always have known there was a nursery that I never saw and then I think I would regret never having seen it or enjoyed it.
So, I decided I wanted to see it once my mom was finished and that day was yesterday!
It is so beautiful. The cribs are back to back and have their names on them.. Owens has a blue background and Edens has a coral background and they both have a sunshine and either starfish or flowers around their name. The whole room is done in a beach theme which I LOVE. The furniture is white and the walls are a very light beige and cream to look like sand and the curtains are roman shades that kind of look like burlap (but isn't) and are pulled up with thin rope and starfish hanging from them. There is a lamp with sea shells inside. The sheets and bumpers are white but the bed skirts are blue for the "water". Owen has a blue Whale in his bed and my mom is making a coral seahorse for Eden's bed.
There are three paintings on the wall of little kids playing in the sand at the beach. Two girls and a boy.
I sat in the room pretty much all day. I started slowly organizing drawers and the closet, although I couldn't do much because of my bed rest, so there's still a lot of organizing to be done.
I was so happy but of course couldn't shake the feeling of anxiety and slight sadness. Every time I start to get anything ready for the babies, I have this struggle with being happy vs cautious and sad. I hate it. I just felt kind of down all day. I would sit in the room and stare at everything and just hope that the babies survive and that I will get to use the nursery. I'm so so so so afraid I won't bring them home to that room and then I'll have to come home to it and take it all down. These feelings just get in the way of me being truly happy.
I love the room, but I want my babies here so I can stop worrying about them!