it's been fun, but..

I'm about done with this pregnancy business. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I've been able to experience this and I'm so grateful to get to be pregnant and have my own baby. And there are aspects that I still really enjoy like having a belly that I don't have to suck in, hide or feel self conscious about and that there are actually clothes made just for the purpose of a big belly, which for me fit better than regular clothes because I've always had a bigger belly than I do butt or thighs. That I will miss, along with the fun feeling her kick n stuff, but I'm kinda getting to the point where I'm over it. I am uncomfortable all the time. My ligaments and lower abdominal/groin muscles hurt so much that walking seems like an enormous task and my belly frequently just feels so full and tight, almost like I have trapped gas that can't leave. Bending over to get anything off the floor takes some motivation. If it's not absolutely necessary to pick up, I usually just leave it there. I have a lot of bladder pressure. I feel like I have to go pee all the time, but when I go, there's not a whole lot in there despite the feeling that my bladder was about to explode. My lower back and tail bone ache frequently and I waddle around slowly in stores, which now makes me the person I used to get so annoyed with when I used to zip around all the slow pokes in stores because I wanted to move quickly. I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach acid shooting up my nose. And the most recent complaint I have is not being able to SLEEP ON MY BACK!! This sucks. I am a back sleeper. I always sleep flat on my back sprawled out with what we call my chicken wings and frog legs... elbows out with hands in my armpits and knees bent outward with feet meeting in the middle. And I am so particular about this position that if I don't get to have enough space for one of my chicken wings or frog legs, it's over... I'm not going to sleep well. So, now I'm not allowed to sleep on my back, I have to rotate from side to side until my shoulders are completely crushed and my neck is totally kinked. The lack of decent sleep is starting to get to me, but I guess maybe it's just preparation for having a new baby in the house.

The other thing is the constant worry. I thought I would feel better after I heard the heartbeat, then after the first trimester, then after the sonogram, then after reaching viability, but I've learned that I will not feel better until she is here and I can see that she really is a normal, healthy baby. There are so many things that can't be detected in sonograms that she could still have wrong with her, and still so many things that can go wrong like randomly dying in utero because the cord is around her neck or other unknown reasons.

I'm just ready to not be uncomfortable and worried anymore. I know I will worry when she's here, but I feel like it will be a controlled worry. A worry I can relieve by seeing her and checking on her and being able to see things for myself and take action if necessary. Right now, I just sit and wonder if everything is still okay in there.

A lot of people tell me I should enjoy it while it lasts because I will miss it, but I honestly don't think I will. I'm not a very nostalgic person anyway, and I think the relief will overshadow any feelings of nostalgia. I will be able to look back and be grateful for the chance to experience it, but I won't "miss" it in the same way people miss a vacation and wish they could go back. I rarely want to "go back" because I'm able to appreciate the current moment so much. I will of course be pregnant again in a few years because I want two children, but I will definitely enjoy the time off. I'm not one of those women who loves pregnancy so much that I could just do it forever (except for the fact that she burns all my calories for me, THIS is something I wouldn't mind having forever). Again, I'm super grateful to be pregnant and would be very sad if I never got to do it. I've just reached a point where I'm ready to actually have the baby instead of the pregnancy, but not at this gestation of course, I just wish July would hurry up and get here.