one last time

well, I'm about to go to bed to try and get some sleep before the big day tomorrow! I'm amazingly pretty sleepy, so I might actually be able to get some rest. I took some benadryl to help just in case. I had originally been scheduled to go in to the hospital the night before to get cervidil, but because I'm already dilated and effaced so much, my doctor said it was useless and that it might make me deliver before she even arrives in the morning. At first, I had really wanted to go in the night before just to make it seem like we were that much closer, but after the last 4 times in the hospital and two of those being overnight stays, I am SOOOO glad I'm not going in tonight. I don't sleep at all in that place. I'll get way more rest here at home and have so much more energy for labor and pushing tomorrow.

I can't believe it's finally here. I don't feel like it's flown by, in fact I feel like it was forever ago that I found out I was pregnant. I can't wait to see who/what she looks like and to just stare at her for hours. I'm amazingly calm about tomorrow. I mean, I'm very very excited in a happy anticipation kind of way, but I'm not nervous or antsy. Just simply looking forward to a long awaited day.

I'm not really nervous about the pain. Not that I don't dread the pain, it's just that it's the kind of pain that you know is okay to have. Different than if you knew someone was going to shoot you in the leg.... even if you knew you would be okay, it's a scary pain because it's not supposed to be there. This pain is supposed to exist. It's a means to a happy ending. That said... if I have the option, I'm going to do what I can to knock it out (epidural) I'm just explaining why it's not making me nervous. It may also have to do with the fact that I plan on having major pain relief, so I know I won't feel it for long.

I think I'm also not nervous because my doctor keeps applauding the progress I've already made and seems to think I'll have an easy delivery. That certainly does instill some confidence and get rid of some anxiety I think. I just hope she's right.

My biggest worry is something happening to the baby. That she might not tolerate labor or her heart rate would drop and we have an emergency situation. But, I try to convince myself that won't happen because I've seen her look beautiful on a monitor and tolerate contractions (at least mild ones) nicely.

I just pray that she arrives safe and healthy tomorrow.

In addition to being super excited to see her, I am also very excited to be rid of the diabetes and eat as many carbs as I want, not feel like I have to pee all the time, be able to walk and move without pain (in a couple of weeks anyway) and sleep on my back.

Looking forward to seeing you in a few hours baby girl. Mommy loves you.