baby blues

What? How can it be possible that anyone could feel blue after having a baby? It's the most joyous occasion of your life to have this precious miracle that you've waited 9 months (or longer) for. That's what I always said about baby blues and postpartum depression. I never understood it and knew 100% for sure that I would not have this because I was so excited for my baby. Well, I had a little lesson in "you don't know what it's like until you've experienced it yourself". After we got home from the hospital, I didn't feel as elated as I had thought I would, and for the first day or two I just brushed it off as being too tired to get excited about much. But then I realized it was a little more than that. I was very teary eyed, weepy and just felt down. I couldn't explain it and felt confused and actually ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone how I was feeling because I was worried people would think it meant I wasn't happy about or didn't love my baby, which was the furthest thing from the truth. I was so happy to have this perfect healthy baby in my arms that I loved so dearly. So, what was the problem? I wasn't sure. It only lasted about two weeks before this feeling was completely gone, but I was so surprised that I even had the so called "baby blues" so I really wanted to figure out what had caused them. I thought about it a lot and came up with an explaination: First of all, there is definitely a hormonal component because I had never felt that kind of "sadness" that seemed to come from nowhere with no reason or thing to provoke it. Just a general down feeling that I had no mind control over. No matter how much I tried to logically talk my mind out of it, I still had this feeling. It was very strange and not at all enjoyable. But, besides the hormones, there is serious exhaustion, frustration of a screaming baby, worry and guilt about whether you're being a good parent and making the right decisions for your baby, frustration with breastfeeding (that's a whole other post), physical pain and healing from delivery, the realization that you can't be the amazing supermom you had planned on being (keeping up with meals, housework etc..), and a lack of any free time or "me time" to recharge your emotional self. I thought I was well prepared for all of those things and was fully aware of them before she was born, but there was some other component that wasn't as obvious to me and I had not prepared for. I was constantly thinking about delivery day and replaying the events in my mind and looking at pictures from that day, and I realized I was coming down off of the incredible high I had been on for nine months. Yes, I have my wonderful baby now, but there is a bit of "mourning" that the big day is over. I remember feeling this way after my wedding.. for so many months you are excited and anticipating something that everyone is looking forward to and preparing for, and although you are now married to the love of your life, in an instant the excitement is over. Or like a birthday for a kid... they have all the gifts they asked for, but for some reason they're a little sad that the big day is over.
For nine months, no matter what kind of day I had or what events were happening in my life, there was always that something to be excited about or look forward to, and having this "thing" kept me on a kind of "high". Always in a good mood, always smiling. I think that's what people are talking about when they say they miss being pregnant. I didn't ever understand that because pregnancy is physically painful, but it's the emotional high that they love so much. And once the amazing delivery is over and you go home to a new reality that takes serious adjustment and the visiotrs are gone and the excitement and "newness" has ended and everyone goes back to normal life, you just feel a little sad. It's probably the biggest most important event of your life, and in an instant it's over and you're left with the "now what"?
What helped me was to get out of new mom mode where I shower late in the day, stay in my PJ's, nap all day when she sleeps and just generally feeling prisoner to your house and baby. I had to make myself get up and shower and get dressed first thing in the morning, even if I hadn't gotten much sleep. I had to create my new "normal" and just get up and go. I know people say you need to sleep when the baby sleeps, but for me that just made me feel like a depressed slug. I hate sleeping during the day, and I felt like it just encouraged her to sleep during the day, whereas getting up and using that time to get things done and make noise kept her from sleeping well, so she got her days and nights in order. I will occasionally take a nap during the day if I'm exhausted, but for the most part, I feel like being my old productive daytime self helped me get out of my funk. The other thing was to get out of the house. Just going to the mall and walking around with her in the stroller or having lunch with a friend helped things get back to normal. Also, just talking about how I was feeling to my husband, mom and sister and getting support from them. My mom is the best at understanding how I feel and making me feel okay about it. She told me that it's normal and important to talk about the delivery day and reminisce about it, especially with other new moms, and she was right, that really did help. And the last thing that really helped was giving up on breast feeding! I'll try to talk about that tomorrow.