PTSD

All day on monday I was having a lot of anxiety whenever I would think about my ultrasound coming up on Tuesday. I would feel my blood pressure go up, my heart would race and my chest felt heavy. I realized that this will be the first ultrasound that is at a location other than my doctors office with Erik (He hasn't been able to come to all the US this time) where there is a potential of finding out genders. The last time this scenario happened was the day we lost Brynn. I was afraid to get an outside US, even though it wasn't at the same location, this was at the perinatologist and Brynn was at the elective 3D place, but I was in a panic. I was afraid to get excited about the possibility of knowing the genders. I felt guilty, like I shouldn't care about that because last time I wanted to know so bad and ended up with a dead baby. I didn't want to seem like I didn't care mainly about their health and safety!

The morning of was rough! I had tummy troubles and I was so nervous I couldn't sit still yet I couldn't be functional enough to be productive. I was a mess.

Also my perinatologist is connected with L&D at Shawnee Mission and you have to wait in the L&D waiting room. The last time I sat in that waiting room was when I was waiting to get induced with Brynn. I'm not gonna lie, it was torture sitting there. My stomach was in knots and we waited for an hour past our appointment time. Finally it was our turn and I was able to see their beating hearts and relax.

The skin/fluid on the back of their necks measured very thin: Baby B 1.6 and Baby A 1.1 and they like to see less than 3 when screening for trisomies and heart defects, so this was fabulous! Not that this guarantees anything... Brynn's was 0.8 and I didn't exactly bring home a healthy baby, but it is still reassuring to have that on our side.

We attempted to look at genders at the end of the scan and I'll share that story in my next post...

If I had this much anxiety about this ultrasound, I can't imagine how it will be going back to the elective place, so hopefully we won't have to go there.

what are they?

just for fun, I want share my gender predictions. When I first found out I was pregnant, well, actually before I even knew for sure if I was pregnant, I had a strong feeling I would have another girl, I was pretty sure of it! Then my first HCG quadrupled and we joked about it being twins and my first thought was two girls. Then at my 7 week US when we saw the twins and we first found baby A I thought girl and when we finally found B I just had a boy feeling and actually said "him" or "he" a few times. So at that point I thought one of each. Then I had an 11 week US and I tried really hard to look for those "angle of the dangle" nub side shots. From what I could see, I guessed that it was two girls, I was pretty confident that A was, and I thought B was too but didn't get quite as good of a look at that one. Then I had another US at 12 weeks and got a really good look at baby B this time and I really think that one's a boy. I didn't get to see A quite as well that time but still think it's a girl. So now I'm back to one of each.

It's gone from

one girl

two girls

girl and boy

two girls

girl and boy

Most people have guessed that it's one of each including my doctor but a couple of my sisters really think it's two girls. My dad swears it's one of each and he usually doesn't say unless he's confident. I'm not even sure if he's ever been wrong. No one has guessed two boys so we'll be very surprised if that's the verdict. I have an US next week at 14 which is still a little early to guess gender but I know of people who have found out they're having a boy at 14 weeks. It seems that at 14 weeks most techs will say with fair confidence if it's a boy but if it's a girl they kinda say "well I can't really see anything but it's too early to tell." That's what happened at Brynn's 14 week US, the tech just said "I don't see anything obvious sticking out but that doesn't mean anything at this point." I know that some elective US places do gender guesses at 14 weeks, but around here they won't say for sure until 16. I don't think the tech will make a guess next week but I'm just going to ask her to get the pictures of that area so we can see if they're the same or different and make our own guesses.

I then have an US at my doc at 15 weeks and I'm pretty sure we'll be able to see by then. The tech probably won't be willing to say for sure, but all I need is the image and I feel pretty confident I can make my own guess.

If we still haven't found out by then, I went ahead and made an elective for 16 weeks, but I'm hoping I can cancel that one if we find out at 15.

I'm very excited to know!

contractions?

At 10 weeks I started having braxton hicks contractions, especially when I worked. I was a bit concerned about how early this was but also know that they say a twin belly is about six weeks ahead in size than a single belly so I was really about 16 weeks in size at that point which is when I started having them in my last pregnancy so I guess it's not so surprising. But I was still concerned so I told my doc and she told me to wear a maternity support belt every time I work. This seemed to help but then last wednesday when I was right at the 12 week mark, I started to get painful contractions in the afternoon at work. They hurt from front to back and had a pulling pressure to them. When I got home on Wednesday, I was truly worried because they wouldn't stop no matter how much water I drank or how much I rested. By Thursday they were still coming on and off and I called my doc and told her that they feel exactly like the contractions I had when I delivered Brynn which are basically just less intense because the uterus isn't as big with a full term baby, but they otherwise have the same basic feeling to them.

She told me that it was probably just stretching because I had just had an ultrasound on monday (for spotting) and my cervix was long and closed so she didn't think anything could've changed. I accepted this answer but they continued throughout the day and by night it hurt to move. I was laying on the couch almost in tears (mainly because of fear). I contemplated going to the hospital but decided to wait it out and by about 10pm they were pretty much gone.

Friday I go to work and do ok until about 1030am and boom I start having a painful one. I sit down and they go away a little, but not completely. I called my doc to tell her I want to make an appt for next week because I feel that waiting until the end of the month is too long and although I had an US on monday, I also wasn't having these pains on monday and I wanted to make sure everything was ok.

She called me back and wanted to see me that day. Of course she didn't want me to come in when I called on thursday my day off, but now that I'm at work, she would like me to come in... I was a little annoyed about this.

So I had an US and just as she thought my cervix had not changed at all. She even put pressure on my belly to see if it would funnel and it did not. This was a relief! She said that I probably am having contractions because my belly is growing at such a fast pace so all of my muscles are probably spasming and cramping but that at this point it's just an irritable uterus and isn't making cervical changes, so I just need to take it easy as much as I can but no major restrictions are necessary (work). So, I'll just continue to wear my belt and try not to worry about it.

elective ultrasound

I want to find out what these babies are before the 19 week anatomy scan for two reasons. 1. I'm impatient and am so excited to know and 2. I really like separating the two scans because the anatomy scan is so serious and it makes me nervous because if something is going to be wrong, that's the day we will find it. I want an US that is just fun and all about finding out the gender. Totally worry free.

The elective place does gender US at 16 weeks which will be right before Easter for me and I thought this would be perfect because I could announce on Easter. This is great because I was supposed to announce on Halloween with Brynn but that got ruined and she was supposed to be induced two days after Easter. When I lost her, I thought about how hard Easter would be this year, but finding out and announcing the genders would just make it so much better.

The problem is, I can't make myself call the elective place. I looked up their website and there is a picture of the US room where we got our devastating news about Brynn. That room is like a nightmare for me. I'm a little nervous to go back there. I have this worry that if I go to have an US there that I will be killing my babies. Like, it's the place of death or something. Like that is the reason Brynn died.. because I went there. After I lost her I just kept irrationally playing the US in my mind and thinking that if we could go back to that room, we could rewrite the story. It was a strange feeling. Because the only experience I have in that room is an experience of seeing no heartbeat, I fear that that's all I will ever see if I go back there. But I know this is crazy and it's the only place that does elective gender predictions at 16 weeks around here.

I tried to dial their number, got three numbers punched in on my phone and had to hang up. I couldn't do it.

I have an US at my OB at 15 weeks. Most say you can't 100% determine gender until 16, but it's sooo close so I'm hoping they can just tell me so I don't have to go to the elective one at 16.

the further I get, the more I worry

Well, I will be the magic 12 weeks on Thursday and while most women would be starting to feel relieved, I am starting to worry. Probably because I have been fortunate enough to have never had an early MC, I don't worry about that as much as I worry about something happening later in the pregnancy. I'm getting so close to the 16 wk point where we lost Brynn and I'm scared! Although I won't feel out of the woods at all after 16 weeks, there is something about passing that mark that will make me happy. It's like that week has a dark cloud over it and if I can just get through it I will feel better. I will still worry about cord accidents though because most of them happen much later in pregnancy. Prayer and my doppler are my tools to get me through this pregnancy. I just can't wait til they are here and safe and I can stop worrying about something I have no power over.