It's odd

...being 5 weeks pregnant when I feel like I should be nearly 28 weeks. I'm very happy for this new pregnancy, new life, new hope and new chance but I still mourn the loss of my other pregnancy. It still bothers me to see other people who became pregnant anytime between June and September of last year. Anyone due from March-June. I feel like that's my "group". They are all announcing the gender and getting nurseries ready and I feel like I got left behind.

Two people just announced they are having girls. I wish my gender ultrasound could've been something happy to celebrate, announce and rejoice.

Hopefully this time it will be. It is such a strange mix of emotions to be so extremely happy about one thing and so sad about another at the same time.

HCG record keeping

I keep having to go back and look at my old pregnancy posts to see what my HCG's were, so I'm just going to create a HCG log here for all my pregnancies for easy comparison:

Corynn:

Tues Nov 17 2009 at 4 wks 2 day = 582

Thurs Nov 19 at 4 wks 4 days = 1545.... Doubling time of 34 hours

Mon Nov 23 at 5 wks 1 day = 7545........Doubling time of 42 hours

Brynn:

Tues Aug 9 2011 at 4 wks 1 day = 104

Thurs Aug 11 at 4 wks 3 days = 301........Doubling time of 31 hours

Tues Aug 16 at 5 wk 1 day = 2820...........Doubling time of 37 hours

Tues Aug 23 at 6wk 1 day = 21,000........Doubling time of 58 hours

Third:

Mon Jan 9 2012 at 3wks 4 days = 73

Wed Jan 11 at 3 wks 6 days = 306......Doubling time of 23 hours

Tues Jan 17 at 4 wks 5 days = 3718.....Doubling time of 46.6 hours

Tues Jan 24 at 5 wks 5 days = 34,000....Doubling time of 52.6 hours

announcing early

I decided to announce this pregnancy early this time for multiple reasons.

For one: I have learned that seeing the heartbeat or hitting that popular twelve week mark makes no difference. People typically wait to announce because they want to wait until they're safe from miscarriage, but I have learned that you are never safe. I was 16 weeks, well into maternity clothes, had heard the heartbeat many times, was starting to feel little movements and was getting ready to find out the gender. And there are many women in my support group whose babies died at 22-40 weeks. You name it, it can happen and not just before 12 weeks.

For me there is no "magic" time to announce. If I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant.

Two: I am the kind of person who NEEDS to talk about my feelings. If something bad happens, I want to get it out and talk about it. So if I miscarry and no one ever knew I was pregnant, it would be strange to talk about. I feel like most people end up telling people about their past secret miscarriages anyway, so why not just announce from day one? It won't bother me to tell everyone that I lost the baby. I've done it before and everyones support was the most helpful thing. Keeping it to myself would be so extremely isolating, lonely and sad.

Three: I wan to acknowledge this baby and pregnancy. Every pregnancy is a wonderful gift and no matter how far along I am, I want to celebrate. If I didn't announce this pregnancy and then later miscarried, I would feel horrible. Like I didn't honor or acknowledge one of my babies. After losing Brynn, I want to make sure I honor every one of my babies, no matter how tiny. I have gender neutral names picked out in case of an early miscarriage. To me, not announcing early is like saying the baby doesn't quite exist yet.

Four: I believe in the power of prayer. Especially lots of prayer. I wanted to get the word out so that all those people who also believe in prayer could pray for me. I had an amazing experience once in high school. I was part of a magnificent 200 person marching band and one of my fellow trumpet players had developed a brain tumor. He was unable to march, but still came to every rehearsal and played his trumpet on the sidelines. The day before his surgery to try to remove the tumor, our instructor got us all in one big huddle to have a "moment of silence" for Brandon (she couldn't use the word prayer). Two days later he came walking into the band room still with all of his hair and announced that when they did the last brain scan before surgery, the tumor was miraculously gone. The doctors could not explain it. So, if I can try to get that many people to pray for this baby, I'm going to try.

The only thing that made me hesitate to tell early is other peoples judgement. For whatever reason, many people seem to think it's such a bad idea to tell early. I'll hear some people say things like "can you believe she announced so early?" or "she's already telling people...she has a long way to go". I worried what people would think or say, but then decided I didn't really care because the people I'm really close with would be happy and excited. It's just a few people I'm acquainted with that would be judgmental about it, so it doesn't really matter.

I wonder if most people don't announce early simply because they think they're not "supposed" to?

I do understand that some people don't like to talk about their feelings/ issues/ what's going on in their lives, so for them they don't want to announce. I get that.

But for me, I am excited. I am VERY aware that this pregnancy may not last 40 weeks, or even 6 weeks, but I'm going to be happy for every second I get. Some women never get the chance to be pregnant and I'm so grateful that I do. I am trying to celebrate the possibility of this baby and not solely focus on the bad things that can happen. Lets pretend nothing bad can happen, go along like it's not even a possibility because whatever is going to happen will happen and worrying about it will just make the entire thing miserable and I'll look back and think "that was a miserable pregnancy". Why not make the time you have enjoyable?

I did wait until I had two 48 hr HCG's checked before I announced because I wanted to make sure it wasn't just going to be a chemical pregnancy that ended immediately. I at least wanted to know that it was truly a baby developing in there.

It was odd at work yesterday. I got many congratulations, but most of them seemed like half of a congratulation. Like they were being cautious or couldn't let themselves really believe it was a true pregnancy yet. The tone was like "congratulations...maybe". And some people hesitated to say anything at all. Once someone else would say it, only then would they pipe in and say "oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook". I feel like people are afraid to be happy for me, which I understand I guess. I'm sure they think I'm nervous, so they're trying to be cautious. But I'm not nervous like I thought I would be. I'm relaxed and happy and ready to celebrate again. I want to be done being sad.

CONFIRMED!!!!

my strong feelings were confirmed on Sunday January 8th at 11:30 am. I was supposed to wait until monday, but after church on sunday I couldn't take it anymore so I ran to walgreens and immediately came home and tested. And it was POSITIVE!!! I feel like God has just answered my prayer and I am so grateful. I know that this doesn't guarantee I get a healthy baby, but I really feel this time that everything will be ok. I hope I'm right. I really thought I would be super stressed and anxious this pregnancy, but so far I feel more relaxed than I've ever been. I think part of that is that after having a second trimester loss, I realize that no matter how much I worry, it's not going to change anything anyway. I worried and worried with both Brynn and it got me no where. I still had no control. No matter how many ultrasounds and tests I had, she still died. All I did was make that pregnancy miserable with worry. I always knew I shouldn't worry because I can't control anything anyway, but now I feel just how true that is. If this baby is going to die, then it's going to die and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I might as well not think about it as much as possible. Worrying is going to get me nothing.

Not to say that I'm not still doing everything perfectly and being extra cautious with what I eat and do and wanting the ultrasounds for reassurance. I'm just not making myself crazy thinking about every possible horrible thing that can happen.

I took three tests on 10, 11 and 13 dpo and my line got much darker with each one, so that let me know that everything is going well in there. I called my doc on monday to let her know, but knew that I was VERY early at only 3 wks 4days and figured she'd want me to wait until next week to draw my HCG because my numbers would be really low this early, but this Monday and Wednesday were the only days 48 hrs apart that I wasn't working, so she said she wanted me to go ahead and get drawn early because it didn't matter how low they were, just as long as it doubled in 48 hrs. Based on Brynn's level of 104 at 4wks 2days, I figured that at 3 wks 4 days, I would be expecting a level of 18 and then two days later a level of 36.

Well my first one was 73!! I was thrilled with this as it was much higher than I anticipated and then today she called with my follow up test and at only 3 wks 6 days, my number more than quadrupled to 306!! I was only expecting a level of 146. YAAAAAAYYYYY I'm so happy!

And my progesterone went from 37 to 66!! I am taking supplements again , but dang, that's higher than I've ever had even with supplements, especially so early!

With a number quadrupling, it is possible that I'm having twins, but also just as possible that I'm just having one VERY healthy baby. Either scenario sounds great to me!

Twins would make me worry about extra risks to the babies during pregnancy but as hard as it would be, I would take twins as a huge blessing if they both survived!

We will know for sure at my ultrasound on Feb 1.

I'm so friggin happy and thankful and excited!

Another thing I want to add: After we lost Brynn, my mom's coworker got herself and my mom matching little rubber turquoise bracelets that said "hope" and this coworker said "we're not taking these off until Tiffy is pregnant again". They both wore them day and night. Last week my mom told me she was sad that she lost hers at work, she thinks it stuck to a glove and came off when she took a pair off and accidentally threw it in the trash. I asked her what day it happened and she thinks Thursday Dec 29. That is the day this baby was conceived. I think her bracelet came off for a reason... she didn't need it anymore :-)

early "signs"

I think I'm pregnant. I have been praying and praying and I just FEEL that God is telling me that "yes I am giving you another baby girl". I can't explain it and it might sound crazy but I just feel like this is it. This is going to be the baby I keep. When I am alone with God I just feel a peace come over me that tells me I don't need to worry anymore, that I can relax because God has answered my prayers. I have visions of me having a healthy baby girl. Not really like physical visuals, just a strong feeling or connection with this thought. Like it's not just a wish or a fantasy, but rather something that is set to happen and is already inside of my being. I feel it in my gut.

It just seems like everything came together too perfectly for it to be a coincidence.

Somehow my brain missed the first ovulation which never happens (I always know). And I think God had a hand in it. I think he knew it wouldn't be a good try so soon after bleeding, so he blocked my mind from even thinking of it as a possibility.

Then I RANDOMLY decided three days before my surprise period to refill my femara and metformin even though I was still a month away from my plan to induce a period and get the ball rolling. Why would I fill it so early? What would make me want to do that? Well, I had my meds just in time for my period. Then, when I wasn't sure if I was ovulating or not, I asked God to tell me and he immediately did by intensifying my cramps. AND I ovulated during a week that Erik was off of work. Everything just fell into place so perfectly that it's hard for me to overlook.

The night that I ovulated my sister had a vivid and realistic dream that everyone was at the hospital for the birth of my new baby girl.

About a week later she was bored and started crocheting without an intent to make anything in particular and it turned into a newborn baby girl hat.

I also had a dream this week that I had two little girls. One was my blonde blue eyed Corynn and the other had Brown hair and brown eyes.

I have so many people praying for me and I feel that HAS to help!

Just today I started to have some doubt about my strong feelings and I'm trying to hold on to faith and make this doubt go away. I need to find some bible verses about doubt to help me out.

On days 5-7 dpo I had some very mild cramps and round ligament pain when I would go from sitting to standing on day 6. My face has broken out in zits and just yesterday at 7dpo I have become slightly more constipated than my usual. I'm hoping these are early signs of pregnancy and not just from a normal post ovulation rise in progesterone.

Hopefully monday I will have my answer!

"Blessed"?

I don't like the word blessed. Not that I don't want to give God credit for everything wonderful in my life and thank him, but saying you are "blessed" because of something that has gone right in your life in a way implies that for anyone who doesn't have the same thing is not blessed. It's like saying "God loves me, but not you".

Last night I saw a picture on Facebook of an old friend showing off her pregnant belly picture on new years eve with the caption "so blessed".

Although I know the statement and picture has nothing to do with me and is not about me in any way, it did sting a little.

It says to me that I must not be blessed because I did not get to keep my baby. God must love her more than he loves me. I must not be deserving enough to carry my baby to term and bring it home with me.

I realize though that I am guilty of this too. I have said many times that I am blessed to have one healthy child. I am blessed to have my wonderful husband. I am blessed to live in a safe country free of war and genocide and full of opportunity. I am blessed to have my family, my home, my education, my job.... But I realize now that saying I am blessed because I have these things implies that poor, victimized, starving people in other countries are not blessed by God which I completely disagree with.

I don't think God is a puppet master. I think he can have influence, but I'm not entirely sure what I think his role is in each of our individual lives. I don't think that he would choose that some people have everything perfect and other wonderful people live in pure hell most of their lives. I dunno. It just doesn't seem like the right thing to say anymore.

I like the word fortunate better. It says the same thing but gives it just a hint of chance and luck instead of putting it all on God.

I am FORTUNATE to have all that I have and I thank God because I am grateful and don't want to seem as though I'm taking it for granted, not because I feel he has particularly chosen ME to have such great things.

But I do believe in the power of prayer. It's just that I don't think "blessed" should be used as a public word. It makes the "less blessed" feel bad. Maybe it should be used in a more private conversation with God and "fortunate" be used when talking to other people? Hmmm

Is this making sense?

Everyone has a story

Bodhisattvas- a buddhist word for souls that manifest for someone else's life and lessons rather than for their own spiritual growth.

Brynn will never live in this world and grow as a person, but boy have I learned a lot from her tiny life. She has taught me lessons in love, faith, control, being grateful, not worrying about small stuff etc...

Since her loss, one of the biggest things I've discovered that has helped me is that everyone has a story. Everyone has had something sad happen to them or is currently struggling with something. They are not all the same. Some are worse than others in some ways and better than others in other ways. But nevertheless, everyone has a story.

I don't know if it's because I'm just opening my ears more or if it's because people feel more comfortable talking to me about their grief because they know I can relate, but I've heard a lot about other peoples tragedies lately. Cheating spouses, life changing medical diagnosis', many miscarriages, struggles to conceive, divorce, job loss and death. It makes me realize that every day someone somewhere is having the worst moment of their life. Today someone else just found out their baby died. Today someone got another negative pregnancy test. Today someone just got diagnosed with a terminal illness. Today someone just found out their husband is having an affair. No one's life is perfect, and if it is (like mine was), it won't be forever. If nothing else happens eventually someone close to you WILL die. Death is a sad inescapable reality.

I was recently talking with someone at church whose husband recently cheated on her while she was pregnant and then left her. It was a complete shock. Some may not agree, but I think her situation is worse than mine. For me, I can grieve and move on. I still have my biggest support person (my husband) to help hold me up when I have a moment of despair and my family has stayed the way it was. I will not get the family that I pictured in the spring, but what I did have before Brynn is still here and I can try for another baby.

For her, she is left to raise two kids alone without their father, and when she feels like crying about it, she can't cry to her husband because he's the one who's causing the pain. Financially her world is rocked, she has to move to a new home and be a struggling single mom all while having to put on a strong happy face for her kids. Her world really is shattered and will never be the same.

When I had first encountered her at church on christmas eve, I was feeling sorry for myself and jealous of her because she has two healthy little girls. But I quickly learned that she has her own pain. We all do.

I've been looking at online support groups on babycenter for women who have lost a baby and i makes me realize how many there are. SO many women have been through my situation and it makes me realize that it's not some horrible curse on me and God didn't put a black cloud over my head. This happens all the time and can happen to anyone. Anything can happen to anyone. We all have a story.