Two week wait

It's a miracle! After taking the femara, I ovulated yesterday. Cycle day 16!!! I have never ever ovulated before day 30 even with fertility meds. It was pretty weird/cool what happened. I didn't really have my usual obvious signs that ovulation was coming. I had started to possibly suspect that it may be but it wasn't obvious and I wasn't 100% sure. I usually have like 4-5 days warning, so on Tuesday and Wednesday I started to think that it MAY happen by Sunday at the earliest, but still wasn't positive. Well yesterday at work I started getting some mild pulling cramps from the left side like I usually do during ovulation. I thought there was no way it could be so soon and without the usual signs so I said a silent little prayer to God "if I am ovulating, please make it apparent to me without question" and about 10 seconds later BOOM I started getting horrible ovulation cramps that continued for hours. Thanks to God, I was SURE!

This is the second ovulation since Brynn that has been different and a bit of a surprise. I'm not sure what changed or why it is different. Last month I thought it must've been a sudden release and wasn't a "good" ovulation, but it's weird that it would happen again WITH femara which is supposed to make stronger ovulations. But I'll take it.

This is amazing. I have so much hope that I will be pregnant again. So, now starts the two week wait before I can test to know if I'm pregnant. I can't believe I'm here again. Dear God, please let it happen!!! Everyone who reads this, please say a prayer for us.

January 9 is the earliest possible test day. Let the long countdown begin....

memorial

At the time Brynn was born, I struggled with what I should do for a memorial of her. Our pastor offered to have a formal service at the church for her or to have a small memorial at our home with just family. The decision to cremate her was easy because that's what we want for ourselves as well. That was a great decision because I hate the thought of burial. Just putting my baby's remains in the ground with the bugs somewhere where I have to go to visit her just seems so cold. I love that I have her remains here at home with the rest of the family in a cute pink baby bootie. But I've often struggled with wondering if I made the right decision not to have a memorial service. I felt that the only people I would want at the "service" would be my close family and we were really already grieving her loss together on a daily basis, so a service just seemed like an unnecessary formality that would be a lot of effort. Because she was so young and no one really "knew" her, I felt there wouldn't be anything to say like you would at a memorial service of someone who had lived on this earth. She only lived inside of me.

I had also thought that people might think it was weird to have a service for what some people viewed as a "miscarriage" (I hate that word).

But I have since worried that I didn't "honor" her properly by not having a service. I kinda feel like I should have or it's what I was supposed to do. I don't know what is right in this situation.

But despite not having a memorial service just for her, I feel I got closure through other services. The first sunday after her birth was all saints day and was about remembering the people we lost this year and we put her hospital bassinet card on the alter to remember her. It was very hard and sad but also very special.

Then Shawnee Mission had a christmas memorial service for anyone who had lost a baby at the hospital and it was very special and I really think of it as her memorial service in my mind. They read her name aloud and we lit a candle in her honor. I loved it.

When I was in labor I knew right away that I should take pictures to remember her, but since she was too young, the nurses told us NILMDTS wouldn't do pictures. Looking back, I don't think the nurse even bothered to try to call them for me. It was late at night and she just assumed they wouldn't, so she didn't even try. I accepted this and just took snapshots of her with our phones. I was not in a state of mind to think of cute ways to pose her or be creative with my photography so her pictures look like nothing more than a specimen laying on a blanket. I saw the Duggars beautiful NILMDTS pictures and I'm so jealous. I wish that I had thought to keep her in my room until the next day and then insist to the day nurse to at least try to get the photographers to come. And if they wouldn't, I wish I would've thought to keep her to at least take daylight pictures of her, maybe wrap her in a pretty blanket, put flowers around her or a tiny hat on her head or pose her in nice ways or do ANYTHING cute. I just wasn't thinking. I was a wreck.

Erik is working on tweaking some of the pictures in photoshop for me so I have something decent to look at/display.

I also have a ring of her birthstone I wear, a memory box and christmas ornaments for her. So, I've pretty much done everything you would do in a memorial service anyway, I've just done it without an audience and while I don't know if I did everything the "right way", I do feel that I have loved her, grieved her, mourned her loss, talked about her and honored her memory as much as I possibly can. She is one of my children, my second daughter and a part of our family.

clarification

After getting the horrible hate email, I recently talked with another person I know who has a child with a disability and told me that when she first read my blog where I said I had prayed to God that "I wanted a normal healthy child and that if that wasn't possible, I'd rather not have one at all" that she was offended. She said her first reaction was "so my child's not good enough for you?". Of course, she told me this in a much nicer, more appropriate way than psycho email person, but after offending at least two people that I'm aware of with this comment, I want to clarify exactly what I mean by this and how I feel about it.

I have one healthy child who is a gift and not only is she a gift, she needs me. She needs my attention and my time and my love. Right now I am able to give her that.

I had wanted and still want a second child. I am so grateful for Corynn that I almost feel guilty for wanting more.

I realize the possibility that I may not have another and while it is not my preference, I am ok with that.

Having a kid with severe delays/ impairments would take my time and attention from Corynn and I wouldn't be able to show her how much I appreciate the gift that she is like I do now.

When I was trying to conceive Brynn, I would pray to get pregnant with a second baby, but would clarify all of this to God... that if my only chance of having another baby meant that the child would be severely "messed up" then I would be ok with just having Corynn and would just rather not get pregnant a second time at all.

Now, let me clarify what I was thinking in my head when I would say this prayer. I was picturing a chromosomal abnormality or severe brain abnormality or damage that would leave the child unable to swallow their own secretions, communicate, move around, learn to eat or drink or talk or use the bathroom. I was never meaning I didn't want a child that wasn't PERFECT. What I didn't want was a child that by most neurologists perspectives "isn't home".

And another point I would like to make is that if I had found out in my pregnancy or sometime after birth that something was wrong with my child, I would still want her!!!!!!

Once I conceive and have the child, I become incredibly attached and I love it unconditionally. But before there is ever an existing baby, if I am presented with the option of getting pregnant with a lifelong fully dependent neurologically devastated child or not getting pregnant at all, I'm going to pick not getting pregnant at all.

Christmas Eve

I woke up this morning and felt sick to my stomach. Not like I was physically going to be sick, but rather the slight nausea I get when I'm nervous or upset. Christmas Eve is pretty much christmas in our house. We will do most of the celebrating today. Up to this point, I hadn't thought today would bother me, but now that it's here, it does. I cried last night and this morning when I woke up. It is Christmas but I am not 24 weeks pregnant. Brynn is not with me. She will never experience Christmas with her family. This day is a celebration of a very important birth. A giant birthday party for Jesus. Brynn's birth was not a celebration. She will never have a birthday party. I will not get my baby in April. Today everyone will be joyous and smiling and no one will give Brynn a thought. It feels very lonely because it will be all I think about. Merry Christmas Brynn, I love and miss you so very much.

Christmas hope

My doctor had wanted me to wait three months before getting pregnant again. She said that if it happened on it's own after one month, that was ok but that she would prefer I wait three before I intervened with provera to force a period. She told me it would probably take that long anyway for my body to wake up and try to ovulate, have a period etc.... Which I figured she was probably right since my ovaries can never function normally anyway, I'm sure they were really confused now!

The last day I had true bleeding from Brynn was Saturday Nov 26 and the last day I had a little bit of spotting was Monday Nov 28. On Nov 30 I had really bad pulling cramps for a couple hours in the evening. I had no idea what it was and was a little worried about it. I was sure I was going to start bleeding again and was really annoyed at this thought. But eventually the cramps went away and I never did bleed. I brushed it off and moved on.

Then this past Wednesday morning Dec 14 I started bleeding after over two weeks of no bleeding, but it was clear to me that it was a new period, not old miscarriage bleeding. A period? I would have to ovulate first to have a period and I didn't know I had ovulated. How did I miss that? I can always tell when I ovulate. Always. I can tell four days before it happens based on fluid changes and I've used this for birth control, fertility and to predict when I will have a period since my cycles are so irregular. I have never been wrong.

I looked back at my calendar and exactly two weeks ago Wednesday was when I had the bad cramps and it occurred to me that those were ovulation cramps! I do always get a strong pulling aching feeling for about two hours at the exact time that I ovulate. My ovulation cramps are stronger than any menstrual cramps I've ever had.

But I didn't realize that's what it was because it didn't seem possible to me to ovulate so soon on my own after I had JUST finished bleeding. It never crossed my mind as a possibility at the time.

At first I was like "dang, I missed an ovulation opportunity", but I think it's a good thing. I'm kinda glad I didn't know about it because I don't think it would've been a good one and I would've been disappointed if it didn't result in pregnancy or I think it may have ended in an early miscarriage. I say this because it was so soon after bleeding that I worry I wouldn't have had much endometrium built up to support the baby and I don't think it would've been a mature egg because I didn't have the usual early signs of ovulation, so I think it was a sudden egg release.

Normally our bodies have very low estrogen at the beginning of a cycle and it slowly rises over 14 days and as it starts to get high enough, fluid changes take place for fertility and FSH hormone is released to mature an egg and get it ready to release. Once the estrogen peaks, LH is released and tells the egg to GO.

Because of the lack of "signs" I had and how quick it happened, I would guess that I had a rapid and sudden rise in estrogen that released LH without having the chance for FSH to ready the egg. I think it would've been a dud.

BUT this is a wonderful thing because it means my body is getting back in gear and means that I can start the process of hoping and trying for another baby! A month earlier than planned! Thank you GOD!

My original plan was to start provera January 11 to force a period January 18 to start Femara January 20 in order to possibly ovulate around January 31. Exactly three months after Brynn's birth.

But no need for Provera because I was blessed with having a period on my own!! Which means I started taking Femara TODAY!!! It is prescribed to take days 3-7 of a cycle during your period. It is amazing timing because I had just refilled my old prescription for Femara on Sunday Dec 11 even though it was a month before I needed it. But for some reason I just wanted to have it ready to go. I also had just gotten my new prescription for metformin on Tuesday and started taking it that night. And then I woke up to a bright red christmas gift on wednesday morning :-)

I have never been so happy to have a period. It feels like a fresh start. A glimmer of hope.

Anger

I have been feeling like I'm in the anger stage of grieving. I think the anger stage exists simply because after the denial and depression and extreme sadness, everyone expects you to be over it and it is no longer socially acceptable to cry about it. So even though I have moments where I feel like I'm so sad I can't function, I have to keep it in, go to work and tell everyone "I'm fine". Eventually all the sadness I've been holding in comes bursting out in the form of anger. I recognized this starting two weeks ago when I was getting mad at Erik for the dumbest things and was highly irritable. I had a complete crying meltdown because one of the personalized stockings I was makings for all my family members had gotten messed up and we would need to go buy another and start over. Normally not a big deal, but I just lost it. Then the next day I got angry with Erik bcause I didn't like the dessert he had picked and brought home from the store. It was craziness. And I've been feeling a certain level of hate toward anyone I'm not close to, especially if they're pregnant. I have struggled with the pregnancy thing and feeling like a really bad person for it. After the Duggars lost their baby, I felt really bad and decided that day that I was going to be nothing but happy for anyone who is pregnant because you never know what can happen and I don't want to feel like I had wished it on them. I decided that I needed to celebrate every baby even if I had lost mine. Yes. That's what I was going to do!

But my deep feelings of anger and jealousy and wanting to avoid all pregnant people didn't go away. I still had them, I was just trying to pretend they weren't there. I had my post partum glucose test on tuesday at my OB and I knew it would be tough but it was so much harder than I thought. I had to sit in the waiting room for two hours while numerous women came in and out. Here's what I saw and heard:

Baby bumps of various sizes

A pregnant teenager

Couples carrying ultrasound pictures

"congratulations"

Moms with six week old infants coming for their post partum check (heir Halloween baby is alive)

"congratulations"

You need to schedule your next appt in four weeks?

How many weeks are you? "23"

"congratulations"

"I see a perinatologist "

"I had some contractions on Sunday"

"congratulations"

I had to run to the bathroom so I could sob and sob and sob. Then when I had my final blood draw, the lab tech seemed confused about what I was there for since I had just not long ago had my other glucose test and she asked "so are you pregnant?" I got to my car and cried for about 15 minutes. It was pure torture. I will seemingly be doing fine on a given day but if I have to have much interaction with pregnant people it triggers a really bad day.

A coworker is having a baby shower in a couple weeks. I contemplated whether I should go. I decided that I will only because it took her years to get Pregnant so I know she understands the longing for a baby. I am happy for her and want her to have this baby that she deserves. And I want to show her this.

It is the people who can't relate at all to how I'm feeling that I get angry with. The ones who get pregnant on accident or with ease. Who have never lost a baby. Who see it has something that happened to me but think it can't happen to them. I feel they are so far removed from my emotions that I can't stand to be around them. This does NOT include my close friends who are pregnant because although it does hurt just a little to be around them, I in no way feel anger toward them because they are loving and supportive and I can just tell how genuine they are.

I was feeling guilty for having so much anger and hate toward everyone, but then I went to a church service for people who have lost someone this year and the entire message from the pastor was that it's ok to be angry (really angry) and that we have to let ourselves feel that and not feel guilty about it. His son died 20 years ago and he was already a minister at that time and he said he felt incredible anger and hate toward everyone for a long time. He told a story of himself walking down the center isle at church just six weeks after his son had died and a member of the congregation approached him with a giant smile and upbeat attitude and said "how ya doin pastor?" And he said he was so mad at him and wanted to slap that smile right off his face and say "I'm doing about as good as you would be if your son died six weeks ago."

Hearing this story made me feel so much better about my hateful thoughts and honestly just having the permission to be angry and the acknowledgement that it's there actually makes me less angry.

I have been avoiding a coworker who was due about the exact same time as me. We were not really close before this happened, so it wasn't really a big deal if I didn't talk to her. Her pregnancy is running along smoothly and her belly is big.

She approached me in the hall with a huge smile and upbeat attitude and said "hey Tiffany, how's it going?!" I wanted to puke. On her. Really? You're going to ask me that right now? Why do you look so freaking happy? I say "fine". She see's Brynn's birthstone ring I have hanging around my neck and asks what it is. I tell her it's Brynn's October birthstone. I hoped the conversation would get more serious at this point now that I've brought up Brynn. I thought she might drop the smile and say something like "I'm sorry, how are you doing with that?"or "I've been thinking about you" or anything along those lines. But no, all she did was continue to smile and say "oh that's really a beautiful ring". I wanted to say, Oh gee thanks, it's supposed to be an April birthstone like your baby is going to be, but mine died, so this isn't a happy birthstone ring. It's a freaking sad one. She is a very nice person, so I felt guilty being mad at her, but I honestly thought she was being so annoying and rude at that moment and makes me want to avoid her even more.

I appreciate it when people ask how I am, say a simple I'm sorry or been thinking about you or a pat on the shoulder or a hug or just ask what happened. Ask for details. I like to talk about it. But if it's the first time I've seen you since it happened and you just ignore it, don't bring it up or acknowledge it, that REALLY makes me mad/sad.

I worked on thanksgiving and it was really hard. At the end of the day I was sitting and talking with my work bestie "J" who is pregnant (but very supportive) and another coworker comes up, interrupts us, grabs her belly and says "oh you look so cute, I hope that baby is as pretty as you" and then walks away. She never looked at me, acknowledged me, asked how I was doing... nothing. I thought it was THE rudest thing anyone could do.

The Duggars

I learned today that the famous Duggars lost their baby. They, just like us, were going in for the gender US and discovered there was no heartbeat. Their baby had died at 16 weeks. She was due in April just like me and I know EXACTLY how she's feeling. I have so many emotions about this story. First I feel guilty for ever being annoyed/jealous and resentful of her and her pregnancy. She came out and announced they were expecting their 20th child in April one week after I had just lost Brynn.

When I first heard about this I cried and felt sad because I had felt so hateful about their pregnancy. I am sad for her because I know her pain and no one should ever have to feel this.

But then I felt a bit of comfort in the fact that I was not the only one this happened to. That somebody could understand and suddenly everyone on the radio was talking about what a tragedy it is and talking about how miscarriage is often an overlooked and minimized loss and talking about what people should and shouldn't say to someone who has just lost a baby and talking about good books to read on this topic and KLOVE posted a link to a resource for how to deal with miscarriage. Suddenly my sadness, was everyones sadness. Suddenly I wasn't alone and it seemed as though people recognized my grief because someone famous was suffering the EXACT same thing. Her story is amazingly similar to mine. Almost eerily similar.

I also started to worry because I had previously been feeling like maybe I had lost Brynn because my faith wasn't strong enough. I hadn't been turning to God enough or thanking him or trusting in him. I was hoping that if I had a stronger faith and just prayed and prayed, he would give me a baby again. After I had gotten angry about the Duggar pregnancy, I actually remember thinking that they must be so blessed because of their faith and that if I were just more like them, God wouldn't punish me like this. So now that I see that they are having to deal with the same pain as me, I worry that it doesn't matter how good I am or how much I pray, it doesn't necessarily mean God will give me another baby. They are near perfect and it happened to them.

Then again maybe it's just a message from God saying "bad things just happen. To everyone. Not just you." Which is satisfying in a way. Like, if this could happen to them, maybe it didn't happen to me as "punishment". Maybe I didn't do anything wrong to deserve it. It just did and can and does.

The hardest thing

I wish I didn't know so many pregnant people. I hate that I hate it. Nothing makes me more sad than seeing a million happy baby bumps

"never the same, and that's not bad.."

A friend who has experienced a second trimester miscarriage in the past has given me some very wise words over the past few weeks and the title of this blog is one of them. She said I will eventually be "ok" but never the same, but that is not a bad thing. I hate that this is what had to happen, but know that it has changed me in some ways for worse (anxiety, pessimism, jealousy and resentment) and in many ways for the better.

It has made me a better mother with Corynn and any future child I may have. I just look at her everyday and FEEL how lucky I am to have her and want to spend as much time with her as I can and kiss her face 53 times a day.

I always KNEW how lucky I was to have her, but never FELT it like I do now.

I don't think I appreciated Brynns pregnancy like I should have. With Corynn I had worried that I would never get to experience pregnancy at all. I didn't know if it would happen for me, so when it did, I was ecstatic and grateful and cherished every second of it.

With Brynn, it took us almost as long to get pregnant, but the feeling was different. I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant, I was just annoyed it was taking so much time and effort. I knew I COULD get pregnant and carry a baby, it was just a matter of wondering when it would happen.

So when I did get pregnant with Brynn, I was more just happy and relieved that the trying and the waiting was over. We could go on having our second child and be done with the whole fertility thing forever. Don't get me wrong, I was very very happy to be pregnant, but it was not the same level of appreciation that I had with Corynn. It didn't have quite the same depth of appreciation.

With Corynn, she couldn't get here fast enough, but with Brynn I remember thinking and saying that I didn't mind if the pregnancy took forever because I needed as much time as possible to let Corynn grow up a little more, become more independent, talk better etc.. so that I would be able to handle the baby. I worried about logistical things like should I get another crib? Should we see if we can potty train Corynn first? How can we get her off the binki if she's gonna see the baby with one? HOW am I going to handle nap time? Or meal time with Corynn throwing food and the baby needing to nurse? Thoughts crossed my mind that maybe I had made a crazy decision to have two kids. I thought I might not be able to handle it and even thought that if something happened to the baby then that might not be so bad because I was starting to worry that I wasn't cut out for two kids and Corynn might be better as an only child because some days I could hardly handle her.

But I never thought that those thoughts would come true. They did. And it opened my eyes. I see pregnancy and babies so differently now.

I can really truly FEEL what a gift they are. Not just KNOW it, but FEEL it from the depths of my heart. I will appreciate every second of pregnancy now like I did with Corynn, in fact, even more than that I think. I had started to take it for granted but now I will never ever take it for granted. I just see how much little stuff doesn't matter anymore. The messy house, getting Corynn to stop taking a binki, getting her to fall asleep without me in the room... none of it matters. I just feel so much more laid back about that stuff. I just see that it will eventually work itself out and there's no need to stress about it because all that really matters is that I have her, she is healthy and I'm going to spend precious time with her.

And when I have another baby, all the getting up at night, the breastfeeding struggles, the fussy evenings... none of it will matter. Yes I will be tired and desperately want a nap and probably be grumpy, but it's ok. It will work out. It will pass. I will just feel so lucky to have a baby that is alive, that no matter how much I will feel like a zombie, I will just be so in love and feel so appreciative to have that baby.

I don't think a person can appreciate their babies to the FULLEST extent unless they struggled to get them and/or lost a baby. It is such a strong feeling of thankfulness that opens your eyes. I thought I knew how precious they were before all of this, but really, I had NO idea.

moving on

one thing that has been hard is that people do move on. In the beginning, we got hugs and calls and letters and cards and flowers and meals and people would tell me how sorry they were and call to check on me. I didn't realize how much this helped until it started to go away. After the first week or two, people move on, quit talking about it, quit asking how I'm doing. It is a lonely shock at first because I haven't moved on. I'm still thinking about it all the time, still crying about it, but now I'm crying alone. I got the feeling that people were sick of hearing about it or couldn't understand why I wasn't "okay". At first this "moving on" hurt a lot. But as I've approached five weeks since I lost my baby, I am starting to be "okay" (as much as you can be) and I realize that people must move on. You can't be sad forever, and for them to constantly be wrapped up in my sadness is probably exhausting for them. They have their own lives, their own problems and they can't stay with me in mine.

It's an adjustment, but it's necessary.

I do appreciate so much though when a coworker or friend asks "how are you doing?" Even if I'm fine at the moment or don't have much to say in response other than "okay", it means the world that they bothered to ask. That they are still thinking about me and realize that I'm still grieving. Nothing is worse than someone who knows I lost my baby but never says a thing about it, never asks or brings it up or bother to even simply say "I'm sorry"or "been thinking about you". The simple acknowledgement of my pain for even a split second touches my heart more than people know.

The pastor at my church called me the other day to check on me. It meant so much. It had been a couple of weeks since he'd called and I thought like everyone else, he had moved on. When I picked up the phone and he was on the other end, it made me tear up a little that someone still cared, still wanted to talk about it, still saw that I might be feeling alone. It made my day.

Then there are the friends and coworkers who have lost a baby themselves in the past. They know. They are the most helpful. They acknowledge that I'm not totally "fine" yet and that it's ok if I'm still a little sad. I want to thank them. If anything good can come of my loss, I hope one thing is that I am able to be that person for anyone who loses a baby in the future. That I can relate and be there for them like my mom, Brenda, Erin, Hannah, Cate, Christina and Rachel have been there for me. They know. They've felt it. They've been there. The best people to talk to are those who've either struggled to get pregnant, had a miscarriage or lost a baby. They understand the longing and the pain completely. I am grateful for their words.

The perfect time

I don't think there could ever be a good time to lose a baby, but I've been thinking that IF I had to lose a baby, I lost mine at the perfect time.

If I had lost her just a few weeks earlier, they would have labeled it a simple miscarriage that required a D&C. Not far enough along to deliver and acknowledge it as a baby. I think this would be so hard because you wouldn't get to see your baby or know if it was a boy or girl. Wouldn't be able to name the baby, get footprints, a "birth certificate" or pictures. No one would really acknowledge that you lost a baby. I think people wouldn't see it as much of a loss... "oh she just miscarried, that happens sometimes".

The fact that I got to give birth to my baby, name her, hold her, celebrate her short life inside of me and have the nurses and doctors treat her as a baby and not just some tissue you throw in the trash made such a difference to me. I got to decide if I wanted her cremated or buried just like you would any other lost family member. Honored and remembered.

But on the flip side it would have been worse if I was any further along than I already was. If I had found out the gender that day, I would've started to decorate the room, buy things for her, call her by name and get even more attached than I already was. I think losing a late term pregnancy would be so so much harder. To have to go through painful labor and delivery only to deliver a fully grown but dead baby would be pure torture. My physical pain and effort were very minimal with such a small baby and I'm grateful for that.

I lost Brynn at the perfect "in between" time and it's one thing I'm thankful for in this whole mess.

such a waste

from the thursday evening August 4th when I saw those two perfect pink lines on that pee stick, I immediately started altering everything I did, every decision I made for this baby.

August 6th we had already arranged for a sitter for Corynn so Erik and I could go to oceans of fun together for my birthday. Every year we go to the dinner theater for Erik's birthday in January and we had thought of something summery that we could do every year for my birthday. But after I had found out I was newly pregnant, we decided not to go. The chlorine, the sunscreen, the jarring activity of water slides etc... too dangerous for the baby.

I always take a benadryl/ unisom/ tylenol pm before bed if I have to work the next morning because the anxiety of wondering what I'm going to be facing at work the next day causes me not to sleep well. But I had quit taking these even before I found out I was pregnant. As soon as there was even a possibility I could get pregnant, I stopped. These are supposed to be safe in pregnancy, but I try to avoid any medication in the first trimester. So I just had restless sleep instead.

Same with Tylenol. Supposed to be safe, but I stayed away from it until 10 weeks despite constant headaches I get when I'm pregnant.

No caffeine.

No diet soda. I love diet coke, but I'm just not sure about the effects of the artificial sweetener. I avoided artificial sweeteners of any kind.

And then at 11 weeks, I got gestational diabetes, so then I avoided sweets altogether. I poked my finger four times a day, counted my carbs, ate very tasteless meals, could not indulge in pregnancy cravings and ate high protein meals first thing in the morning despite morning sickness.

I had many blood draws to check HCG and progesterone levels, glucose tests and genetic screenings.

I took progesterone supplements twice a day that made me sick to my stomach.

I had four early ultrasounds to check on the baby. All costing big $$$

And then I had a delivery in the hospital, costing me $3000, and all of it, every single one of these sacrifices were all for nothing. Seems like such a waste.