It has made me a better mother with Corynn and any future child I may have. I just look at her everyday and FEEL how lucky I am to have her and want to spend as much time with her as I can and kiss her face 53 times a day.
I always KNEW how lucky I was to have her, but never FELT it like I do now.
I don't think I appreciated Brynns pregnancy like I should have. With Corynn I had worried that I would never get to experience pregnancy at all. I didn't know if it would happen for me, so when it did, I was ecstatic and grateful and cherished every second of it.
With Brynn, it took us almost as long to get pregnant, but the feeling was different. I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant, I was just annoyed it was taking so much time and effort. I knew I COULD get pregnant and carry a baby, it was just a matter of wondering when it would happen.
So when I did get pregnant with Brynn, I was more just happy and relieved that the trying and the waiting was over. We could go on having our second child and be done with the whole fertility thing forever. Don't get me wrong, I was very very happy to be pregnant, but it was not the same level of appreciation that I had with Corynn. It didn't have quite the same depth of appreciation.
With Corynn, she couldn't get here fast enough, but with Brynn I remember thinking and saying that I didn't mind if the pregnancy took forever because I needed as much time as possible to let Corynn grow up a little more, become more independent, talk better etc.. so that I would be able to handle the baby. I worried about logistical things like should I get another crib? Should we see if we can potty train Corynn first? How can we get her off the binki if she's gonna see the baby with one? HOW am I going to handle nap time? Or meal time with Corynn throwing food and the baby needing to nurse? Thoughts crossed my mind that maybe I had made a crazy decision to have two kids. I thought I might not be able to handle it and even thought that if something happened to the baby then that might not be so bad because I was starting to worry that I wasn't cut out for two kids and Corynn might be better as an only child because some days I could hardly handle her.
But I never thought that those thoughts would come true. They did. And it opened my eyes. I see pregnancy and babies so differently now.
I can really truly FEEL what a gift they are. Not just KNOW it, but FEEL it from the depths of my heart. I will appreciate every second of pregnancy now like I did with Corynn, in fact, even more than that I think. I had started to take it for granted but now I will never ever take it for granted. I just see how much little stuff doesn't matter anymore. The messy house, getting Corynn to stop taking a binki, getting her to fall asleep without me in the room... none of it matters. I just feel so much more laid back about that stuff. I just see that it will eventually work itself out and there's no need to stress about it because all that really matters is that I have her, she is healthy and I'm going to spend precious time with her.
And when I have another baby, all the getting up at night, the breastfeeding struggles, the fussy evenings... none of it will matter. Yes I will be tired and desperately want a nap and probably be grumpy, but it's ok. It will work out. It will pass. I will just feel so lucky to have a baby that is alive, that no matter how much I will feel like a zombie, I will just be so in love and feel so appreciative to have that baby.
I don't think a person can appreciate their babies to the FULLEST extent unless they struggled to get them and/or lost a baby. It is such a strong feeling of thankfulness that opens your eyes. I thought I knew how precious they were before all of this, but really, I had NO idea.
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