Anger

I have been feeling like I'm in the anger stage of grieving. I think the anger stage exists simply because after the denial and depression and extreme sadness, everyone expects you to be over it and it is no longer socially acceptable to cry about it. So even though I have moments where I feel like I'm so sad I can't function, I have to keep it in, go to work and tell everyone "I'm fine". Eventually all the sadness I've been holding in comes bursting out in the form of anger. I recognized this starting two weeks ago when I was getting mad at Erik for the dumbest things and was highly irritable. I had a complete crying meltdown because one of the personalized stockings I was makings for all my family members had gotten messed up and we would need to go buy another and start over. Normally not a big deal, but I just lost it. Then the next day I got angry with Erik bcause I didn't like the dessert he had picked and brought home from the store. It was craziness. And I've been feeling a certain level of hate toward anyone I'm not close to, especially if they're pregnant. I have struggled with the pregnancy thing and feeling like a really bad person for it. After the Duggars lost their baby, I felt really bad and decided that day that I was going to be nothing but happy for anyone who is pregnant because you never know what can happen and I don't want to feel like I had wished it on them. I decided that I needed to celebrate every baby even if I had lost mine. Yes. That's what I was going to do!

But my deep feelings of anger and jealousy and wanting to avoid all pregnant people didn't go away. I still had them, I was just trying to pretend they weren't there. I had my post partum glucose test on tuesday at my OB and I knew it would be tough but it was so much harder than I thought. I had to sit in the waiting room for two hours while numerous women came in and out. Here's what I saw and heard:

Baby bumps of various sizes

A pregnant teenager

Couples carrying ultrasound pictures

"congratulations"

Moms with six week old infants coming for their post partum check (heir Halloween baby is alive)

"congratulations"

You need to schedule your next appt in four weeks?

How many weeks are you? "23"

"congratulations"

"I see a perinatologist "

"I had some contractions on Sunday"

"congratulations"

I had to run to the bathroom so I could sob and sob and sob. Then when I had my final blood draw, the lab tech seemed confused about what I was there for since I had just not long ago had my other glucose test and she asked "so are you pregnant?" I got to my car and cried for about 15 minutes. It was pure torture. I will seemingly be doing fine on a given day but if I have to have much interaction with pregnant people it triggers a really bad day.

A coworker is having a baby shower in a couple weeks. I contemplated whether I should go. I decided that I will only because it took her years to get Pregnant so I know she understands the longing for a baby. I am happy for her and want her to have this baby that she deserves. And I want to show her this.

It is the people who can't relate at all to how I'm feeling that I get angry with. The ones who get pregnant on accident or with ease. Who have never lost a baby. Who see it has something that happened to me but think it can't happen to them. I feel they are so far removed from my emotions that I can't stand to be around them. This does NOT include my close friends who are pregnant because although it does hurt just a little to be around them, I in no way feel anger toward them because they are loving and supportive and I can just tell how genuine they are.

I was feeling guilty for having so much anger and hate toward everyone, but then I went to a church service for people who have lost someone this year and the entire message from the pastor was that it's ok to be angry (really angry) and that we have to let ourselves feel that and not feel guilty about it. His son died 20 years ago and he was already a minister at that time and he said he felt incredible anger and hate toward everyone for a long time. He told a story of himself walking down the center isle at church just six weeks after his son had died and a member of the congregation approached him with a giant smile and upbeat attitude and said "how ya doin pastor?" And he said he was so mad at him and wanted to slap that smile right off his face and say "I'm doing about as good as you would be if your son died six weeks ago."

Hearing this story made me feel so much better about my hateful thoughts and honestly just having the permission to be angry and the acknowledgement that it's there actually makes me less angry.

I have been avoiding a coworker who was due about the exact same time as me. We were not really close before this happened, so it wasn't really a big deal if I didn't talk to her. Her pregnancy is running along smoothly and her belly is big.

She approached me in the hall with a huge smile and upbeat attitude and said "hey Tiffany, how's it going?!" I wanted to puke. On her. Really? You're going to ask me that right now? Why do you look so freaking happy? I say "fine". She see's Brynn's birthstone ring I have hanging around my neck and asks what it is. I tell her it's Brynn's October birthstone. I hoped the conversation would get more serious at this point now that I've brought up Brynn. I thought she might drop the smile and say something like "I'm sorry, how are you doing with that?"or "I've been thinking about you" or anything along those lines. But no, all she did was continue to smile and say "oh that's really a beautiful ring". I wanted to say, Oh gee thanks, it's supposed to be an April birthstone like your baby is going to be, but mine died, so this isn't a happy birthstone ring. It's a freaking sad one. She is a very nice person, so I felt guilty being mad at her, but I honestly thought she was being so annoying and rude at that moment and makes me want to avoid her even more.

I appreciate it when people ask how I am, say a simple I'm sorry or been thinking about you or a pat on the shoulder or a hug or just ask what happened. Ask for details. I like to talk about it. But if it's the first time I've seen you since it happened and you just ignore it, don't bring it up or acknowledge it, that REALLY makes me mad/sad.

I worked on thanksgiving and it was really hard. At the end of the day I was sitting and talking with my work bestie "J" who is pregnant (but very supportive) and another coworker comes up, interrupts us, grabs her belly and says "oh you look so cute, I hope that baby is as pretty as you" and then walks away. She never looked at me, acknowledged me, asked how I was doing... nothing. I thought it was THE rudest thing anyone could do.