moving on

one thing that has been hard is that people do move on. In the beginning, we got hugs and calls and letters and cards and flowers and meals and people would tell me how sorry they were and call to check on me. I didn't realize how much this helped until it started to go away. After the first week or two, people move on, quit talking about it, quit asking how I'm doing. It is a lonely shock at first because I haven't moved on. I'm still thinking about it all the time, still crying about it, but now I'm crying alone. I got the feeling that people were sick of hearing about it or couldn't understand why I wasn't "okay". At first this "moving on" hurt a lot. But as I've approached five weeks since I lost my baby, I am starting to be "okay" (as much as you can be) and I realize that people must move on. You can't be sad forever, and for them to constantly be wrapped up in my sadness is probably exhausting for them. They have their own lives, their own problems and they can't stay with me in mine.

It's an adjustment, but it's necessary.

I do appreciate so much though when a coworker or friend asks "how are you doing?" Even if I'm fine at the moment or don't have much to say in response other than "okay", it means the world that they bothered to ask. That they are still thinking about me and realize that I'm still grieving. Nothing is worse than someone who knows I lost my baby but never says a thing about it, never asks or brings it up or bother to even simply say "I'm sorry"or "been thinking about you". The simple acknowledgement of my pain for even a split second touches my heart more than people know.

The pastor at my church called me the other day to check on me. It meant so much. It had been a couple of weeks since he'd called and I thought like everyone else, he had moved on. When I picked up the phone and he was on the other end, it made me tear up a little that someone still cared, still wanted to talk about it, still saw that I might be feeling alone. It made my day.

Then there are the friends and coworkers who have lost a baby themselves in the past. They know. They are the most helpful. They acknowledge that I'm not totally "fine" yet and that it's ok if I'm still a little sad. I want to thank them. If anything good can come of my loss, I hope one thing is that I am able to be that person for anyone who loses a baby in the future. That I can relate and be there for them like my mom, Brenda, Erin, Hannah, Cate, Christina and Rachel have been there for me. They know. They've felt it. They've been there. The best people to talk to are those who've either struggled to get pregnant, had a miscarriage or lost a baby. They understand the longing and the pain completely. I am grateful for their words.