clarification

After getting the horrible hate email, I recently talked with another person I know who has a child with a disability and told me that when she first read my blog where I said I had prayed to God that "I wanted a normal healthy child and that if that wasn't possible, I'd rather not have one at all" that she was offended. She said her first reaction was "so my child's not good enough for you?". Of course, she told me this in a much nicer, more appropriate way than psycho email person, but after offending at least two people that I'm aware of with this comment, I want to clarify exactly what I mean by this and how I feel about it.

I have one healthy child who is a gift and not only is she a gift, she needs me. She needs my attention and my time and my love. Right now I am able to give her that.

I had wanted and still want a second child. I am so grateful for Corynn that I almost feel guilty for wanting more.

I realize the possibility that I may not have another and while it is not my preference, I am ok with that.

Having a kid with severe delays/ impairments would take my time and attention from Corynn and I wouldn't be able to show her how much I appreciate the gift that she is like I do now.

When I was trying to conceive Brynn, I would pray to get pregnant with a second baby, but would clarify all of this to God... that if my only chance of having another baby meant that the child would be severely "messed up" then I would be ok with just having Corynn and would just rather not get pregnant a second time at all.

Now, let me clarify what I was thinking in my head when I would say this prayer. I was picturing a chromosomal abnormality or severe brain abnormality or damage that would leave the child unable to swallow their own secretions, communicate, move around, learn to eat or drink or talk or use the bathroom. I was never meaning I didn't want a child that wasn't PERFECT. What I didn't want was a child that by most neurologists perspectives "isn't home".

And another point I would like to make is that if I had found out in my pregnancy or sometime after birth that something was wrong with my child, I would still want her!!!!!!

Once I conceive and have the child, I become incredibly attached and I love it unconditionally. But before there is ever an existing baby, if I am presented with the option of getting pregnant with a lifelong fully dependent neurologically devastated child or not getting pregnant at all, I'm going to pick not getting pregnant at all.