can't help it

After losing Brynn, I had said that I would try my hardest not to get too excited or attached to the next pregnancy. I said I wouldn't buy anything and I wouldn't call them by name because I had picked out names for it they lived and different names for if they died because I didn't want to use my favorite names if the baby didn't make it.

Well, throw all that out the window. No matter how much I try not to be, I'm excited. I already bought a couple outfits. Nothing too expensive, but I just HAD to go shopping. Also my grandma got me almost ALL the big stuff we need. We're keeping the receipt just in case, but as much as I had wanted to, I can't just pretend we don't have babies coming.

And I can't do separate names like I thought. I want to call them by name and I'm not going to call them two names and I especially don't want to call them by a "death name". How depressing. I wasn't going to announce names for this reason because it all depended on the outcome. But I know that their names are already set in my mind no matter what happens. I won't be able to change them. It will be the same as Brynn. If I don't give them their "living" names, I will feel like I'm taking their names away from them.

Plus, if I lose these babies, I don't think I will have anymore. I will probably be done if I have to suffer again so I might as well use my favorite names no matter what.