Last thursday I got that horrible email which although I know she is crazy, did hurt my feelings. It made me cry. How could someone be so hurtful to a person who just lost their baby? To say such personal and hateful things to me about how I'm trying to grieve. I was blown away and seriously hurt, but couldn't really talk about it because everyone just kept telling me not to worry about her and not to take anything she said seriously. I knew not to, but I just still needed to talk and cry about it.
Then last Friday I got the call reminding me of my appointment for my perinatologist ultrasound and I had to say the words out loud "my baby died".
Sunday I discussed how we would be doing a christmas gift exchange with my family. I wanted to keep it very simple for $$ reasons and they did not. I had to mention that I am swimming in thousands of dollars of medical bills without a baby to show for it. I broke down at this point.
Monday. 19 weeks exactly. This is how far along I was when I found out Corynn was a girl and it was such a fun celebration. No celebration for Brynn.
Tuesday (my moms birthday) This was the day of the big ultrasound, knowing the gender for sure, finding out all the details of the baby, if she was healthy and if everything looked ok (I will never know for sure)
Wednesday I was supposed to have an 8:30 OB appointment. Instead I had a 9:30 dentist appointment to get a crown. Something you can't do while pregnant. As I was laying in that chair getting my tooth drilled on, I was thinking "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be hearing the sound of a drill, I'm supposed to be hearing the sound of my baby's heart on a doppler right now."
Thursday. Thanksgiving. I have to work and it's the first holiday without my baby inside of me. It feels lonely, I want to cry, but I have to put on a happy face at work. I had a plate of dinner my mom had brought over for me. It was good, but I started crying after a few bites.... I'm not supposed to be eating these carbs. I should be checking my blood sugar.
Friday, I can't recover from my hard day at work because I have to go back and do it again.
Saturday we were supposed to celebrate thanksgiving with Erik's extended family. His mom had moved the celebration a while ago just for me since I couldn't celebrate on thursday but I couldn't do it. Couldn't celebrate with extended family members that I maybe see once a year. I had to ruin thanksgiving and stay home.
Sunday. It's now time to move on to the next holiday without Brynn. Christmas. I put on the christmas music, light some candles, get out the tree and try my hardest to feel the holiday cheer, but it is sad. I struggle to be happy. I should be at the half way point in my pregnancy. I was supposed to be pregnant on christmas, but instead I'm hanging up her "memory" ornaments instead of "baby's first christmas".
I think I'm ready for January. I'm ready to be done with the holidays and the reminders that I'm not pregnant. As soon as you find out you're pregnant, you think about how far along you will be at every holiday, every milestone. I had pictured Halloween 16 weeks, Thanksgiving 19 weeks, Christmas 24 weeks, Eriks birthday 28 weeks, Valentines day 31 weeks, Easter 39 weeks. Each time one of them comes up will be like another loss. A loss of where I would've been, what my belly would've looked like, how happy and excited we would've been. In January, the major holidays will be over and I will be able to start trying again for another baby. Then maybe having something new to focus on will help.
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