Worst day of my life

Monday morning on Halloween I was scheduled for an elective gender scan at 16 weeks. We had planned a big reveal party that night.

Everyone was going to get a bag of candy and THINK that one person had a boy or girl card in the bottom of their bag. BUT then the card was simply going to say "you have to look in the pumpkin.." Then we had carved a bunch of those mini pumpkins and they would have to open each of them until they found the "answer" but then again there was going to be just a black balloon in one of the pumpkins. Then they would have to pop each of the many black balloons until one of them had either pink or blue confetti inside.

We had planned caramel apples, pumpkin cookies, soup.... the works.

I was going to be a pumpkin patch with a pumpkin on my belly, C was going to be a pumpkin and E was going to be a pumpkin farmer.

I woke up at 4am with the stomach flu. I was disappointed because I knew I would have to cancel the party, but I was still determined to make it to my US anyway. I threw up five times before going to my appt. (E had this stomach flu five days earlier).

My US was at 9:30. My mom, E and C came. When we arrived, I told the tech that we were mainly there to see the gender and that any other cute pics would have to wait until we knew. I didn't care if we had to spend the whole 20 min looking for gender.

The tech put the wand on my belly and went straight for the legs. They were crossed. So he pushed on my belly a bit to get the baby to move. No movement at all. He then went to the heart. I didn't see the flicker, but hoped it was just a bad angle or something. He moved angles a bit and then shut of the machine and told me to go to the ER. He could not find a HB. My mom jumped up and told him to check again. Still nothing.

I burst into tears and ran to my doctors office. They did antoher US and confirmed my baby had died.

This was the worst moment of my life. They measured the baby and it was measuring right at 16 weeks, so they said this had JUST happened. I had just heard the HB with my doppler on saturday night. I listen every night before bed, but had skipped sunday night because I was having the US the next morning, so I didn't feel it was necessary. At first I thought that this stomach virus must have been the cause, but we later learned otherwise.

I came home around noon to grab some things for myself and for C, and I threw up two more times.

I headed to L&D and they induced labor. My cervix was obviously high thick and closed and they told me that with this early gestation it often takes 2-3 days. I got one cytotec pill at 4pm. I started having real menstrual like cramps every minute at around 8pm and felt pressure at about 9pm. The nurse checked me and I was 4.5cm with a bulging bag. She said that this early, you don't have to dilate to a 10 to deliver such a small baby. She said once the OB broke my water, the baby would come out. I got an epidural, not because of the contractions (they were pretty mild) but they said that often this early the placenta does not want to detatch and they may have to manually remove it and that THIS is really painful. Getting the epidural did not hurt at all.

The doc came in a little after ten, broke my water and the baby fell out. I never had to push. She simply said "ok, your baby is out". They immediately saw the cause of death. Her cord was so tightly wrapped around her neck about four times that the cord and her neck were completely white and her head was dangling. My mom said it looked like she had no neck and her head was hanging on by a thread. After the Doc unwrapped the cord, all the fluid from her swollen head sunk back down to her neck and her neck turned swollen and purple. They told me she was a girl and let me hold her. She was born Oct 31 at 10:35pm, weighed 4 oz and was 8 inches long. Her skin was very translucent and gelatinous. She was otherwise perfectly formed. I got to hold her for awhile and had her in my room until about 5am the next morning. We have pictures, but I think they are too scary to show people. Because her skin was not formed, she just kept oozing and sticking to the blankets.

She had her daddy's toes just like C does. Very long and the second toe was longer than the first.

We did have some trouble getting all of the placenta out, so I was glad for the epidural.

At first I didn't want to use the name we had picked for a girl and gave her a different name, but as time went on I just felt like the original name was supposed to be HER name. It's what I always thought of her as if I had known she had been a girl. The new name felt fake and I knew I would never be able to use our original girl name again anyway because I would always think of it as hers, so I changed it an gave her the name she was meant to have. Brynn Erin, my sweet angel baby girl. I'm so sorry you got tangled in your cord.

I miss her so greatly. This is the worst pain I have ever felt and don't think I will ever get over it. There are reminders of her absence everywhere: my flat stomach, the absence of a bassinet in my hospital room, the fact that I'm bleeding, the fact that I don't have to watch my GD diet anymore, our new bedroom arrangement we had done just for her, the extra long table and bench my husband had made so that TWO kids could color together, the swingset grandpa made with TWO swings on it, not having to get up to pee at night anymore, the maternity jeans I had worn to the hospital that were to big to put back on, babycenter emails and pregnancy updates, the epidural bruise on my back... I could go on and on and each one of them makes me cry. Leaving the hospital without my baby was so incredibly, excruciatingly painful, while I'm looking at another mom load her car with her baby and balloons. I broke down on the sidewalk.

I miss her so so much and keep thinking this must be a horrible dream that I need to wake up from. I want my baby back. C will never meet her sister. They could have been best friends. I just feel so empty and alone. This wasn't supposed to happen. I can't stop crying. My eyes are swollen and surrounded with petichiae. She is still supposed to be with me. I can't eat or sleep. I'm hungry but can hardly chew or swallow and for some reason I'm never tired. I just lay awake and cry. I took a sleeping pill last night to help.

I'm supposed to be pregnant through the holidays. I don't even want to celebrate the holidays this year. I don't want to see anybody except for my mom. I don't want to hear that it's going to be alright and I especially don't want to hear that this is gods plan or there is a reason for everything. There is no reason. This was a horrible accident and I don't believe God would ever want this for me or Brynn.

She was supposed to be my Easter baby. I'm supposed to be struggling to breastfeed, waking up sleep deprived at night, dealing with a fussy baby, limping around from stitches and hemorrhoids. I just gave birth but I'm not doing any of the things a new mom should be doing. I would give anything for a screaming baby right now. I will never complain about that stuff again. I would gladly go back to my diabetic diet for the rest of my life if it meant I could have my baby back.

I dread going back to work with my many pregnant friends. So many were due around the same time as me. I so do not want to be that person who can't be happy for anyone else because I lost mine, but right now, the thought of looking at them or talking to them will just make me cry even more. I want what they have. What I did have two days ago.

When I was in labor, I just kept thinking "what if they were wrong, what if she's still alive, maybe we should check again."

Today we have to go pick out an Urn for her remains. It makes me sick. She's not supposed to be in a morgue, she's supposed to be inside of me. It's all just gone so so wrong.

I want her back, I want her back, I want her back. This is not "what i dreamed of"