Game face

Working is harder than I thought it would be. My first day back to work wasn't so bad because I had my orientee with me, who pretty much did all the work so I just had to be available for any questions she might have and the babies we took care of didn't have any visitors all day and I only had to work one day and then was off for six days after that and I had a support group meeting immediately following work that night. It really was a perfect way to ease back into work.

But then this week was hard. I had already been feeling significantly more depressed than last week, for several reasons I think, and it happened to be the first holiday since losing Brynn and I had particularly needy, chatty families. Taking care of the babies does not bother me at all, because they don't need anything from me emotionally. It's easy to take care of a baby's emotional needs. Just cuddle them, hold them, smile at them, give them their binki.... but the parents are the ones who demand me to be on my "emotional game". I have to hold it together for them, be their support, validate their feelings, show sympathy or empathy, be little miss customer service and this is really hard to do when my own emotions are taking me down. When I want to sit in a corner and cry because it's thanksgiving and my baby just died but instead I have to feel sorry for a mom who is complaining that her baby didn't make it home before thanksgiving and all I want to say to her is "be glad your baby is alive, it could be worse." It is hard. And then to have to go home, cry a lot and then come back the next day to the same parents and do it all over again was draining to say the least.

I really wondered this week if I was emotionally ready to be back at work. I had thought I was, but I definitely struggled.

I technically could've taken FMLA and had up to three months off if I felt I really needed it, but the only reason I came back to work in a hurry is because of the hope that I will get pregnant again soon. I hope I will be having a baby by this time next year. Hope. And if I do, I will be needing that FMLA for maternity leave.

But then there is a good chance that this won't happen as quickly as I would like, and then I won't need that FMLA time within the next year, and could've used it now. I think this makes it hard for me to be at work as well. I know that the only reason I am making myself suffer through my very emotionally giving job is because of a little thread of hope that I'm holding on to but that I know may not be real. I may be setting aside my emotional well being all for nothing. But the hope of a quick pregnancy is what gets me to put my game face on for a twelve hour day of work and give what little I have to give of myself.