next time

gone are the days of enjoying a care free pregnancy. I was never really the relaxed type to begin with. I wanted all the testings and screenings. I had a home doppler to listen to the HB, I wanted to be on monitors at all times while in labor, I had to know what was going on at all times, but despite all of that, I did have a certain amount of worry-free happiness after I would hit the twelve week mark. Yes, I still worried, but pretty much felt like things would more than likely be ok.

Brynn's unexpected death has turned my thoughts about pregnancy upside down. I thought I was a worried freak before, but look out, now it's going to be ridiculous!!

Next time I will not get excited or relieved when I hit that 12 week mark. I will not jump for joy each time I hit a milestone in the pregnancy because cord accidents can happen up until the moment the baby is born. "20 weeks, 32 weeks"... etc.. will mean nothing to me. You are never out of the woods.

I will not designate a name for the baby until it is here and alive and well. The name will depend on the outcome. I will not decorate the room. At all. I'm not putting the crib up, not painting the walls, not even unpacking clothes until the baby is home with me.

What I will probably do is just put up the bassinet next to my bed about a week or so before the baby is due to come and just get a handful of sleepers to dress the baby in at the hospital, this way there won't be too much of a reminder to come home to in case the baby doesn't make it.

Normally not having everything completely done and put together would drive me crazy, but I don't even care about all of that anymore. With Corynn, I HAD to have the entire nursery done and everything in it's place by 32 weeks. But I've heard so many stories in the support group of people who have lost their babies between 36-40 weeks and had to come home to a completed nursery and it is a reminder every time they walk by that room, but it is also too painful to take it down. I can't imagine that. I am fortunate that we lost Brynn the day we were supposed to find out she was a girl. Once we knew what she was, I had planned to start painting, buying things for the room and start to get things set up. I'm soooo glad I never had a chance to do that. That would just be like pouring salt in a wound. It's bad enough to just walk by the empty room and think what would've been.

I don't want a baby shower or baby "sprinkle" or any type of celebration until the baby is here. I don't want to buy anything and if anyone feels like buying something for the baby, I'm going to kindly request that they do not give it to me until the baby is born.

I wonder if I will have a harder time bonding with the baby while I'm pregnant because of this. I don't want to get too attached, although I probably won't be able to help it.

I would rather have nothing ready to go and have the chaos of having to set it up last minute WITH the new baby than to have everything ready to go and have the pain of coming home WITHOUT a baby. This whole experience has put such a grey cloud over how I will experience pregnancy. It is sad.