Too much

I've been doing pretty good the last few days. It's wednesday and I hadn't really cried since church on Sunday. Until tonight. Right now. I've just been trying to move on and was doing pretty well with things. Talking about it, getting it out. But I've had a lot of happy healthy pregnancies around me the last two days. Yesterday a friend brought me food which was super nice and appreciated, but she is largely pregnant and having a C section on Friday. Then I got together to have a play date with another friend who is also pregnant well into her second trimester. Then tonight I see on FB that one of my friends is on her way to the hospital to be induced and another's water just broke. And another friend found out the gender of her baby today and she is due two weeks after I was. I am very happy for all of these girls, but so much happy healthy pregnancy and birth all at once is very overwhelming. I just think where I would be right now. I should be 17 wks and 2 days pregnant and happily talking to Brynn now knowing she is a girl. I should be unpacking all the baby girl clothes from the basement and picking out purple paint for her room that was supposed to be decorated in a fairy theme. I should be imagining what it will be like to have two girls and finding matching outfits for C and B. I should be reading about my friends in labor and anxiously anticipating April when it would be my turn. But all of those dreams are shattered. I heard on the radio today that the Duggars are expecting their 20th child in APRIL of all months. I can't help but be a little resentful about this. Why do they get so many healthy babies? TWENTY? I mean, is that really fair? She's like 45 years old. I'm 28 and it's a giant hassle for me to get pregnant and then my baby freaking dies. I just want what so many have right now. I know there are many women who lose babies, and I'm lucky to have even one, but it's so hard when I was so close to having another. I'm trying really hard not to hate being around or hearing about pregnant people because I don't want to be bitter, but after so much of it, I just eventually break down and get soooo depressed again. Going back to work is going to be such a struggle.... pregnancy and babies everywhere you turn. Sigh