Hoping for a RAINBOW

So, I'm trying to move forward and the best way for me to do this is to start focusing on trying for another baby. My doctor wants me to wait three months to try, but I begged her to let me try sooner and told her I wouldn't feel whole again until I had another baby. She said I absolutely HAD to wait one month and that if I happened to get pregnant on my own then we would just deal with it, but that I can't do any fertility meds until three months. She said my endometrium needs time to build back up to support a pregnancy or I could risk early miscarriage. I'm torn because I really don't want a miscarriage right after losing Brynn, but I also feel like if I ovulate on my own, then my body is ready to handle another pregnancy because I RARELY ovulate anyway, so if I do, I'm gonna have trouble resisting.

For those who don't know, a "rainbow baby" is a term used for a baby after a miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn loss. It's the "rainbow after the storm". It's a common babycenter term.

But, I am terrified of this happening again. I've been reading a lot about cord accidents lately and they are fairly common. 1/1000 babies dies from their cord and 3/1000 babies obtains neurological injury from the cord. They are more common with a posterior placenta, which is exactly what Brynn had. I had actually wondered this myself because both C and Brynn were always laying down against the back wall of my uterus and facing up (until C engaged and went head down). C's placenta was anterior so her cord fell nicely onto her belly, but Brynn was always laying on her placenta, so the cord had to reach around from behind her, making it really easy to get tangled.

Something I always think about is that Brynn was perfectly formed. The first trimester screening put her in the clear of any genetic abnormalities and all her organs were normal. I worry that my next baby will not be normal. I've now made two normal babies and I feel like with each additional pregnancy, my chances of having an abnormal child go up. I pray for one more healthy, normal, living child. I've always said that if I could have two healthy children, I would stop there and not push my luck with more. Now I feel like I'll technically be having a third and this makes me nervous.

I was looking back at Brynn's 12 week ultrasound and I can already see that her cord was tangled around her neck. But, I'm not sure if I would've wanted to know about it then. I guess it could've prepared me for the possibility of death, but then again that would have just been extra worry that I could do nothing about.

I think that I do want to have frequent ultrasounds with cord flow and position checks with my next pregnancy, especially after 28 weeks when we could deliver the baby if it looked like the cord posed more risk than prematurity would.

I just pray that this doesn't happen again. Surely that won't happen two times, right?!