God and guilt

I have moments where I think this is my fault or I somehow caused this. Some reasons seem logical and possible and others probably are not as possible, but still haunt me.

A few weeks ago, I was having a horrible day with C. She was whiny and fussy and clingy and the house was a mess and I couldn't get anything done and she wouldn't take a nap etc.. I had a little mommy break down and cried to E that sometimes I didn't think I was cut out for this mom thing because on days like these, I so desperately wanted a break. I expressed that I was nervous about my ability to handle two and even said the words (here comes the guilt) "if something happens to this baby, I'm not sure I would want to try for another". I feel like those words cursed me. I remember I wondered before saying them out loud if I would be "asking for it" in a way and maybe I shouldn't say it. But I was so frustrated and just wanted to vent to E. I never meant that I wanted anything to happen to my baby and I feel like God heard me and took my baby to teach me a lesson. By the next morning, I was totally over the mommy frustration and regretted ever saying that.

Then on Saturday before Halloween, we were visiting with E's parents and we had just gotten C to bed and were kicking back to watch a movie and I made the comment "I'm sure not looking forward to getting up at night with a baby again." I feel horrible for saying that now and can't help but think that God again wanted to teach me a lesson to be grateful for even the screaming in the middle of the night moments.

And on Sunday night before my ultrasound I asked God to please make it visible/ make the baby cooperate and show us if it was a boy or girl. I expressed to him that I knew this was not the most important thing, but that we were so excited to find out. I feel like I shouldn't have asked for this and now God is teaching me a lesson about what's really important.

I rarely drink caffeine in my pregnancies and not at all in the first trimester while things are forming. But on Sunday, there was Dr Pepper available at E's parents house and I had been eyeballing it all weekend. I decided that because I was 16 weeks and I know women who drink lots of caffeine throughout pregnancy and end up ok, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I had a half a can of Dr Pepper. I wonder if that caffeine that she wasn't used to made her move like crazy and tangle herself in her cord. I will never drink caffeine in pregnancy again.

And finally, I wonder about the stomach virus I had. I wonder if the crazy amount of whole body retching and contracting that I did got her tangled in her cord. Not that I could've had any control over this one, but I just wonder if it played a role.

Yesterday we went to church and it was hard. The songs and sermon were about how great God is and how he never leaves our sides and loves us so much. I struggled with this because I feel a bit like God took my baby. I know I shouldn't blame him for this, but then should I not give him credit for giving me the baby in the first place? Everyone says to thank him for giving me a baby and to ask him for another. So does he control the giving of babies but doesn't control the taking of them? This is something I struggle with.

I do realize that God has watched over me and given me so much. I have one living healthy GIRL that I wanted soooo much. I am blessed that he gave me a girl before losing another girl. If I had had a boy first and then lost a girl, that would have hurt so much more! I also feel that he was watching over me that day. It was lucky that E and my mom happened to be with me that day during the ultrasound. If it had been just a normal doctor appointment, I would've been by myself when I found out.

It is also lucky that we found out the DAY she died. This way there were no shocking surprises of me just starting to cramp or bleed in the middle of work or anywhere else or waiting weeks before I found out at my next dr appt. This also was probably better for my health so I didn't get any kind of infection or harm to my uterus that would prevent me from having more kids in the future.

I'm glad that the labor and delivery went smooth with no problems and FAST. They said it would take 2-3 days and my mom said she prayed over and over that it would go quick so my agony could end, and it did! I delivered two hours after my first cramp.

Also, my epidural worked good so that when not all of my placenta came out, I was able to tolerate manual removal and scraping of my uterus without having to go to the O.R. for a D&C.

And they had told me that there was a risk of uterine puncture when needing to scrape the uterus, but I was blessed to have a very gentle doctor on call that night and nothing was damaged!

And we are blessed to have a clear answer of what caused the death. I would hate to be left with an unknown cause.

And it couldn't have been a better day to go to the hospital to get IV fluids, zofran and IV antibiotics. Before I left for the hospital, I could hardly stand up because I was so weak and dehydrated from puking. The fluids and meds I think helped me heal from the virus rapidly.

I'm grateful that the nurses and doctors were so caring and supportive and treated my baby like a person and allowed me to deliver and hold her and name her and that they took care of all of the funeral home arrangements and let me decide on cremation vs burial. I hear other miscarriage stories of women who just went to sleep, had a D&C, woke up and their baby was gone... never to know if it was a boy or girl or name it or really have closure.

Many things went well for me that day and I feel I need to also give God credit for those things. The funny thing is, I don't want anyone else pointing these things out. I can think of them on my own, but going to church and having it shoved down my throat was irritating. When you're sad and someone is trying to MAKE you think of the positives, it feels like they are discounting my grief and not letting me feel it or be willing to acknowledge it. I don't think I will go back to church for a while. Too much happiness right now. I am trying to build a personal relationship with God through all of this and don't want other people telling me how to do this. It's a work in progress.

I don't know why Brynn is gone, if for any reason at all. I do know that I have a whole new appreciation for C and for any future baby I may have. The little things just don't bother me as much and I will be more than happy to wake up every two hours at night if it means my baby is alive and well. I just pray that God will quickly give me another pregnancy and watch over me and the baby all the way through birth and give me one more healthy baby.