Goodness. I'm sorry you're so angry that you feel you have to take it
out on me. I don't want to feed your anger, but want to address some
points.
1. All people hope for healthy babies. It is a fact. You yourself said
when you were in the NICU that you were so upset because all you had
pictured when you found out you were having twins was having two
little kids running around at your feet while making dinner. I do not
KNOW what you go through on a daily basis, but I can only imagine and
just like you validated my point NO ONE would WANT that or ask for
that. I think every mom prays that their baby will be healthy and
perfect. I know how hard it is for moms in the NICU, I see it all the
time and that is why I would pray that I never had to go through that.
I would never wish it on anyone, including you. I know that anything
could happen to Corynn at any second and I think about it all the
time. But if she were to have some tragic accident, I would still love
her with all my heart and care for her. I would NEVER want her to die
or anyone elses baby to die. I did not want Brynn to die. I did
nothing but cry about it and wonder why this happened. Everyone kept
saying "this probably happened for a reason" so I searched for any
"reason" I could find and while if I could make the decision myself, I
would have choosen for her to live no matter what, the ONLY comfort I
can find is to say that maybe it is better, maybe she would have been
a complete vegetable. I don't even know for sure that anything was
wrong with her, but it is the only thing I can tell myself to keep
myself from falling apart every five seconds.
I could never abort my child. EVER. I do the non-invasive, zero risk
screenings because I talked to a mom of a baby in the NICU once whose
child had downs syndrome and she already knew about it from an amnio
at 18 weeks. She said that having the information early on helped her
prepare, get in touch with support groups and government assistance
programs etc.. She was also able to mourn the loss of her image of a
"perfect" baby before he was born. SHe said it was great because she
was able to tell her family and get it all out before he was born and
by the time he was born, they were done grieving and just happy to
welcome him. She said she thinks it would be so much harder to have
the birth "ruined" by the shock that something is wrong with your
baby. This influenced me. I didn't do the screening with Corynn
because I thought "I won't abort anyway" but did it this time after
talking to this mom. The tests are not just used to decide on
abortion. I thought that if one of the tests had come back with high
risk, I would then get a third trimester amnio so I could know for
sure and be able to prepare myself emotionally before the big day. NOT
to kill my baby. I would love my baby no matter what!
The other reason I do the screenings is to get the best medical
attention possible. Knowing about heart defects and spina bifida or
other problems help make the decision early about what hospital to
deliver at or what NICU to transfer to and you can meet with doctors
and surgeons and get an action plan. I think being prepared for a
tragedy as much as possible is very healthy if you can have that
option.
I do screenings so that I can be proactive in SAVING my baby not KILLING it.
2. When I talked about "letting go" of my matching names, it was clear
I was being sarcastic and critical of my own need to have control and
that this was indeed a wake up call for me that I in fact do not have
control and it is a great lesson I've learned from this horrible
tragedy. You just repeated to me my own blog. I shared my names
because I chose them based on meaning should I ever be unfortunate
enough to be in this awful situation again. I want the names to be
meaningful and mean things like angel, heaven, peace etc.... I think
the fact that you are mocking my grieving process is very hateful.
3. You are probably right, I should probably have had my blog private,
but I had so many people that wanted to read it and I hadn't looked
into how to add each person individually, so I just allowed anyone who
wanted to read it, read it. It is simply a reflection of how I'm
dealing with my grief. Everyone deals with it in a very personal way.
For some, thinking about the next pregnancy would not be helpful, for
me, it helps me get up off of the couch and stop crying. Hope is the
only thing that gets me through and hoping for a healthy child is no
crime. You said in your email that you did not "ask for this" and of
course you didn't. Nobody would pray to God for an unhealthy child.
4. As I said in my "in my face" blog, I love all of my pregnant
friends very much. They have all been supportive and kind (bringing me
meals) and understanding. I am so so happy for them all and have
congratulated them on their arrivals and asked to see pictures and
stay updated. I was also just journaling that it is at the same time
difficult for me to see them and know that we were supposed to be
pregnant together and it reminds me that my baby is gone. That is sad.
It would be for anyone. I never "badmouthed" any of my friends. I just
said it is overwhelming to see so many in one week immediately after
losing my baby.
5. I want nothing more than for your children to be healthy and
thrive. I would never hope for L or anyone else to die!! That is
why I'm a NICU nurse because I only hope I can help make these
children healthy and normal because it is what every parent is hoping
for. I hope that the care we give can give them that wish. The wish
doesn't always come true and it makes me sad because every mom
deserves that. But if the wish doesn't come true, I know that every
mom grieves that loss, but then goes on to love and care for their
baby no matter what and adjust to the new life they never expected. I
would do the same. Every mom does what they have to.
6. I said myself that this entire experience has made me appreciate
Corynn even more than I already did. I already knew how lucky I was to
have her and was grateful for her every second. Does that mean I never
complained about being tired or needing a shower or her being fussy?
No. Every parent struggles with those normal everyday things. But I
never felt that I didn't love her or appreciate every second I had
with her. They are normal complaints. There are support/play groups
for moms to simply get together and talk about the daily life of being
a mom. I am not the only one and it does not make me an evil person. I
actually remember putting her to bed one night a few months ago and
she was playing games and would not go to bed and I remember starting
to get frustrated but also said the exact words to my husband, "she
can be frustrating, but I'm glad she can be frustrating. I'm glad I am
fortunate to have a normal child that can get on my nerves." I already
appreciated her, now I just appreciate her even more! She is the best
thing in my life. You said to "pick a side?" There are no sides. I
have never changed "sides". I'm just pulling any bit of positive I can
from the death of my child and one positive is gaining an even GREATER
love for the child I have.
7. I am not so selfish that I NEED to have TWO kids. I think every day
how lucky I am to have my first child and that if I never have
another, I am grateful I got the chance to have one. What I know is
that I do not want to end my childbearing years with a death. I want
to end on a positive note. I want one more so I can end with a happy
birth, not a dead one. Why should I stop? Why not try to fulfill a
dream of having two healthy children? I think it's a pretty reasonable
hope to have. I have said many times in my blog that it could be a lot
worse, and acknowledge my blessings and that is why I wrote about my
life being perfect. I KNOW things have been good and that things could
be worse. That's exactly the point of that post.
I hope that you are able to get the care you are looking for (but
can't find) for your children and that they grow and surprise every
doctor out there. I am sorry for your tragedy. You never ever deserved
to go into preterm labor or have a child with disabilities, just as I
never deserved to have my baby die. All of us have different struggles
in our life and we all deal with them differently, but I don't think
attacking someone who is newly grieving the loss of their own baby is
a healthy way of coping. I hope that you can find help for yourself to
get healthy and cope with your own difficulties
out on me. I don't want to feed your anger, but want to address some
points.
1. All people hope for healthy babies. It is a fact. You yourself said
when you were in the NICU that you were so upset because all you had
pictured when you found out you were having twins was having two
little kids running around at your feet while making dinner. I do not
KNOW what you go through on a daily basis, but I can only imagine and
just like you validated my point NO ONE would WANT that or ask for
that. I think every mom prays that their baby will be healthy and
perfect. I know how hard it is for moms in the NICU, I see it all the
time and that is why I would pray that I never had to go through that.
I would never wish it on anyone, including you. I know that anything
could happen to Corynn at any second and I think about it all the
time. But if she were to have some tragic accident, I would still love
her with all my heart and care for her. I would NEVER want her to die
or anyone elses baby to die. I did not want Brynn to die. I did
nothing but cry about it and wonder why this happened. Everyone kept
saying "this probably happened for a reason" so I searched for any
"reason" I could find and while if I could make the decision myself, I
would have choosen for her to live no matter what, the ONLY comfort I
can find is to say that maybe it is better, maybe she would have been
a complete vegetable. I don't even know for sure that anything was
wrong with her, but it is the only thing I can tell myself to keep
myself from falling apart every five seconds.
I could never abort my child. EVER. I do the non-invasive, zero risk
screenings because I talked to a mom of a baby in the NICU once whose
child had downs syndrome and she already knew about it from an amnio
at 18 weeks. She said that having the information early on helped her
prepare, get in touch with support groups and government assistance
programs etc.. She was also able to mourn the loss of her image of a
"perfect" baby before he was born. SHe said it was great because she
was able to tell her family and get it all out before he was born and
by the time he was born, they were done grieving and just happy to
welcome him. She said she thinks it would be so much harder to have
the birth "ruined" by the shock that something is wrong with your
baby. This influenced me. I didn't do the screening with Corynn
because I thought "I won't abort anyway" but did it this time after
talking to this mom. The tests are not just used to decide on
abortion. I thought that if one of the tests had come back with high
risk, I would then get a third trimester amnio so I could know for
sure and be able to prepare myself emotionally before the big day. NOT
to kill my baby. I would love my baby no matter what!
The other reason I do the screenings is to get the best medical
attention possible. Knowing about heart defects and spina bifida or
other problems help make the decision early about what hospital to
deliver at or what NICU to transfer to and you can meet with doctors
and surgeons and get an action plan. I think being prepared for a
tragedy as much as possible is very healthy if you can have that
option.
I do screenings so that I can be proactive in SAVING my baby not KILLING it.
2. When I talked about "letting go" of my matching names, it was clear
I was being sarcastic and critical of my own need to have control and
that this was indeed a wake up call for me that I in fact do not have
control and it is a great lesson I've learned from this horrible
tragedy. You just repeated to me my own blog. I shared my names
because I chose them based on meaning should I ever be unfortunate
enough to be in this awful situation again. I want the names to be
meaningful and mean things like angel, heaven, peace etc.... I think
the fact that you are mocking my grieving process is very hateful.
3. You are probably right, I should probably have had my blog private,
but I had so many people that wanted to read it and I hadn't looked
into how to add each person individually, so I just allowed anyone who
wanted to read it, read it. It is simply a reflection of how I'm
dealing with my grief. Everyone deals with it in a very personal way.
For some, thinking about the next pregnancy would not be helpful, for
me, it helps me get up off of the couch and stop crying. Hope is the
only thing that gets me through and hoping for a healthy child is no
crime. You said in your email that you did not "ask for this" and of
course you didn't. Nobody would pray to God for an unhealthy child.
4. As I said in my "in my face" blog, I love all of my pregnant
friends very much. They have all been supportive and kind (bringing me
meals) and understanding. I am so so happy for them all and have
congratulated them on their arrivals and asked to see pictures and
stay updated. I was also just journaling that it is at the same time
difficult for me to see them and know that we were supposed to be
pregnant together and it reminds me that my baby is gone. That is sad.
It would be for anyone. I never "badmouthed" any of my friends. I just
said it is overwhelming to see so many in one week immediately after
losing my baby.
5. I want nothing more than for your children to be healthy and
thrive. I would never hope for L or anyone else to die!! That is
why I'm a NICU nurse because I only hope I can help make these
children healthy and normal because it is what every parent is hoping
for. I hope that the care we give can give them that wish. The wish
doesn't always come true and it makes me sad because every mom
deserves that. But if the wish doesn't come true, I know that every
mom grieves that loss, but then goes on to love and care for their
baby no matter what and adjust to the new life they never expected. I
would do the same. Every mom does what they have to.
6. I said myself that this entire experience has made me appreciate
Corynn even more than I already did. I already knew how lucky I was to
have her and was grateful for her every second. Does that mean I never
complained about being tired or needing a shower or her being fussy?
No. Every parent struggles with those normal everyday things. But I
never felt that I didn't love her or appreciate every second I had
with her. They are normal complaints. There are support/play groups
for moms to simply get together and talk about the daily life of being
a mom. I am not the only one and it does not make me an evil person. I
actually remember putting her to bed one night a few months ago and
she was playing games and would not go to bed and I remember starting
to get frustrated but also said the exact words to my husband, "she
can be frustrating, but I'm glad she can be frustrating. I'm glad I am
fortunate to have a normal child that can get on my nerves." I already
appreciated her, now I just appreciate her even more! She is the best
thing in my life. You said to "pick a side?" There are no sides. I
have never changed "sides". I'm just pulling any bit of positive I can
from the death of my child and one positive is gaining an even GREATER
love for the child I have.
7. I am not so selfish that I NEED to have TWO kids. I think every day
how lucky I am to have my first child and that if I never have
another, I am grateful I got the chance to have one. What I know is
that I do not want to end my childbearing years with a death. I want
to end on a positive note. I want one more so I can end with a happy
birth, not a dead one. Why should I stop? Why not try to fulfill a
dream of having two healthy children? I think it's a pretty reasonable
hope to have. I have said many times in my blog that it could be a lot
worse, and acknowledge my blessings and that is why I wrote about my
life being perfect. I KNOW things have been good and that things could
be worse. That's exactly the point of that post.
I hope that you are able to get the care you are looking for (but
can't find) for your children and that they grow and surprise every
doctor out there. I am sorry for your tragedy. You never ever deserved
to go into preterm labor or have a child with disabilities, just as I
never deserved to have my baby die. All of us have different struggles
in our life and we all deal with them differently, but I don't think
attacking someone who is newly grieving the loss of their own baby is
a healthy way of coping. I hope that you can find help for yourself to
get healthy and cope with your own difficulties
This is a very loving response, Tiffany! I will be praying for this mom in crisis. Too bad that in her pain she struck against you in this way. You did not deserve anything in this message. You didnt need to respond and be prepared for more of the same in return. it seems to me that this person cant see beyond their own needs right now, and are in a fight/flight mode. deffinately in need of some major assistance with the emotional oveload.
ReplyDeletetotally support you unfriending and privatizing your blog! I have unfriended people for much less, but equally inappropriate fb comments and nit edifying to my christian walk!
Love to you!