My tragedy

I always thought my life was too perfect. Up to this point, I had never experienced any real true pain. No one REALLY close to me has ever died, I got straight A's, got in to the school I wanted, got the perfect job I wanted right out of school, met the love of my life and only guy I ever had to date (because he was perfect) at a young age and got married. He got a good job right out of school as well. Neither of us were affected by the recession as our jobs remained very secure. We bought our house just before the housing crash, so we were able to get our loan without a major down payment and the house is a good size to have kids in and it's in a great school district. I struggled for a few months to conceive C, but was able to get pregnant relatively easy compared to some and she was born healthy. I got into the daycare at work pretty quickly. For those who don't know, this is great for nurses because it's the only place that works with your ever changing schedule, allows for 12 hour days and you can pay by the day instead of the week. I have a wonderful loving and supportive family. I never had any serious health conditions. Nothing was bad in my life. Sure, I had the day to day little struggles, but overall things were pretty much perfect.

In the last couple of years, I had actually been thinking that I was due for a tragedy. I thought, nobody's life can be this good... eventually something would be coming for me. Some horrible thing was going to happen.

Then, after only three months of trying, I was pregnant again!!! I made it through the first trimester and everything was looking good. I remember thinking, "is God really going to bless me this much? I get to have TWO healthy kids? And a great husband? And a great job? Is my life really going to be this perfect?"

Intuition is a funny thing. When I got pregnant in July, I just had a strong strong feeling that that was going to be THE month. I was GOING to get pregnant. I just knew it. And I was right. And then I had my worries, but KNEW I was not going to miscarry in the first trimester. I was pretty sure things were going to be ok. But then, as I approached the twelve week mark, I started to worry. I had a strange feeling that something was going to happen in the early second trimester. I had heard other women on baby center say things like "I just knew something was wrong" or "I had a strong feeling this baby wouldn't make it" and they would be right, their baby didn't make it. I had this feeling too, but thought that as long as I didn't say it out loud, then it wouldn't be real.

I would have started my maternity leave just before Easter next year, but I decided to go ahead and request PTO on Easter. I shouldn't have needed to because I would've been off anyway, but I remember telling my mom that I asked off just in case something happened to this baby and I wasn't on maternity leave, because then I would be mad if I were working Easter. She thought I was crazy, but I said "you never know, what if something happens to the baby in November or December."

I also asked my sister who will be graduating in May what her exact graduation day was so I could be sure I was off. Again, I should have been on maternity leave at that time, so why was I even worrying about this?

I had a strong feeling that something was going to happen in the teens. Sometime between 15-19 weeks to be exact. I just had a feeling. That's why I said to E that day "if something happens to this baby, I'm not sure I would want to try for another." Something kept telling me that something was going to happen, but I was trying to ignore and explain it away as paranoia. Although, I was paranoid when I was pregnant with C, but despite that, I was still fairly confident that everything would be ok. This time was different and my feelings were right. I didn't know how or when this "something" would happen, so I was still very shocked when it did because I never wanted my intuition to be correct. I hoped I was wrong.

I only hope that I have now paid my dues, I've had my tragedy. My life is no longer picture perfect. I have felt true pain and sadness and felt the unfairness of life. I hope that is IT for awhile. I hope God will give me a break and shine the happiness of a new healthy baby on me fairly soon.

I have been thinking a lot that it could have been worse. I am trying to be grateful that my tragedy was not as bad as it could've been. Things that would be worse: Something happening to C or E. My mom being gone. Getting diagnosed with a terminal illness. Carrying a baby to term and THEN losing it. I'm glad B went as early as she did before I got anymore attached. Something going wrong and having to have a hysterectomy and not having the hope of having another baby. It could definitely be a lot worse, and reminding myself of this helps me get through my tragedy.