Gender prediction

The pencil over the wrist test = it's a girl
The wedding ring over my belly = it's a girl
Peeing in cabbage water = it's a boy (cabbage water before is on the left and the result is on the right. Pink is supposed to be boy and if it stays purple it's a girl.)
Chinese lunar calendar = it's a boy
So, looks like it's either a boy or a girl :)

PUKE!

yesterday was aweful. I woke up at 3am totally nauseous and threw up at 6am. Had to go to work and felt like I was going to puke the entire day. All I ate was a piece of toast, small amount of chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers. I could hardly drink any water and by the end of the day I was totally exhausted and dehydrated. I was at least hoping that feeling so terrible was a sign I was still very much pregnant, but at night I also felt achy and weak and had chills. So, now I'm wondering if I just got a stomach bug. I'm feeling a little better today. Able to eat toast and some applesauce and don't feel like I'm going to throw up...just low appetite. If it was just a bug, I'm glad because it means I won't be feeling that bad for another month, but disappointed because I don't have any other signs of being pregnant. It's so frustrating not knowing what's going on in there and whether or not this baby is still alive. Because I'm taking progesterone supplements, if the baby stopped growing, I would not have a miscarriage. The progesterone would cause me to hold on to it until the doctor realized it was dead and I stopped the progesterone. So, I feel so in the dark always wondering if everything's okay. I wish I could have a weekly ultrasound.

Heartbeat

we had our first sono today and were able to see the heart beating right away. Tears came to my eyes and I was so so happy and relieved to see that a real person was forming in there. I always imagined that moment but didn't know if I would ever get to experience it. It was tiny and hard to make out any parts at all, but all I cared about was that little heart. It was beating at 130 bpm which is great! Then, I had my doc appt and she said everything looked good, and that with my age combined with the heartbeat, my chance of miscarriage dropped down to 5%. This made me feel soooooooo good. What a relief. I feel like I can relax and enjoy it a little more now. It measured at 6 weeks 3 days and I thought I was 6 weeks 5 days, so my due date got moved to July 27. I also learned that my uterus tips backward towards my spine instead of forward toward my belly. She said this won't cause any problems because everyones' uterus lifts way up straight by the 2nd trimester anyway. The only thing is that it may take a little longer to hear the heartbeat on a doppler. And we will try that at my next appointment when I'll be 11 weeks. This is all very amazing and I thank God everyday for this blessing.

more worry

I had gone almost a week without anymore pink spotting, and then today had some more. I know the HCG levels checked out okay last time this happened, but then I read that HCG levels can continue to rise for a while at the beginning of a miscarriage. I'm really freaking out here. My ultrasound on friday can't come soon enough. I want to go to sleep for the next five and a half weeks and wake up when the first trimester is over. I can't handle the stress.

Relief

HUGE DEEP BREATH TODAY. My HCG more than quadrupled in 4 days, it came up from 1545 to 7545. I'm so relieved and so thankful for Heather L who is not my doctors nurse, but another nurse in the practice that I already know. She was so kind to look up my result early in the morning and call me right away to ease my mind. I wish she was MY doctors nurse. So, the spotting is okay I guess and it's just something I'll have to get used to and try to ignore. Now, I'm just ready to have my ultrasound next friday and see that everything is on target and it would be an extra blessing if I was lucky enough to see the heartbeat. It's still early and only sometimes can you see it that early, but I'm hoping I'll get lucky because I heard that the chance of miscarriage drops dramatically after you see the heartbeat, so that would certainly make me feel good.

SO FRUSTRATED!

so, the lab freaking forgot to run an HCG (or the DR forgot to order it), so now I might not know until tomorrow. GRRRRRRRR. Don't people know I'm going CRAZY here? They did a progesterone which has been increasing nicely- up to 17.3 now, but what I really wanted to know was that the HCG was still doubling every 48 hours and that baby was still doing ok. I've had more pink spotting today, and I could really use the reassurance to keep me from going totally insane. I am completely debilitated when I'm this stressed and I wish the doctors office could be more understanding of that. I need to know what that HCG is to feel like the baby is okay and the spotting is nothing to worry about. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

belly pics

started taking belly pics last week. This is starting out at 4 weeks with no belly (a before picture). I didn't take one this week because there are no changes. I'll post another when there is something to look at

scary spotting

On friday after many phone calls to the lab and the doctor searching for my lost in space results (what a disaster). My HCG came back at 1545 which is more than double in 48 hours. So, baby is still growing and my progesterone was 10.6 which is still low, but apparently is good for having just 24 hours of supplements. So, she left me on the same dose and I have to take it throughout the first trimester. I was so relieved. But then yesterday at work, I had a streak of pink spotting and FREAKED out! I called my doc and she said it's probably just some uterine or cervical changes and some slight spotting is normal in the first trimester, but she had me come in this morning to have my levels checked again just to be sure. UGH I just got over these nerves and now this! I'll be glad when this trimester is over. So scary.

Low progesterone

so, I had my HCG and progesterone levels checked on Tuesday and my HCG came back good at 582 (normal 5-426 for 4 weeks), but my progesterone was dangerously low at 6.6 (normal is above 20). I immediately started oral supplements and had my levels checked again today, but won't know until tomorrow. I'm really anxious to know my HCG tomorrow because one of the reasons for low progesterone is that the baby has quit growing and therefore quit telling my body to produce it. This is my biggest fear and the only way to know is the HCG. It should double every 48 hours, and if it doesn't that usually means you will miscarry. So, it should be about 1164. My other worry is that my doc put me on oral supplements and everyone I've talked to says the suppositories or injections are much more effective. I asked about it, but the only thing my docs nurse said was "she doesn't do suppositories", but didn't give me a reason. I'm just very nervous and have taken the day off work tomorrow so I can be home when I get the results (in case they're bad). I'm just praying praying praying. I want this baby soooooooo bad. I am grateful that my doctor ran those tests without me even asking, because I guess not all do. I would have surely miscarried without progesterone. For those who don't know, this is the hormone that keeps a pregnancy going, it builds up the blood lining for the baby, prevents contractions and a period and suppresses my immune system so I don't attack the baby. HCG is the baby hormone that is detected on a pregnancy test and shows that the baby is alive and growing.

TWO PINK LINES

so, I didn't start spotting on day 11 or 12 like I usually do, and I checked my temp on day 12 and it was higher than it's ever been, and at that point it should have been going down if I was going to start a period. So, early friday morning (day 12) I pretty much knew my dream had come true. I began crying tears of joy before I had even confirmed it for sure. So, I went and bought a test on Friday and held in my pee from 9am-4pm so it would be as concentrated as possible. At 4pm I peed on the stick and the two lines came up immediately. I began jumping up and down and crying and immediately my mom called and I was so hysterical I could hardly talk. I told everyone right away, and my parents got me a gift and took us out to dinner and then we headed out to see Eriks parents and told them. We are just so thrilled! I'm 4 weeks today and due July 25. I can't wait.

SMILEY FACE!!

I decided to take an ovulation test six days ago because a friend from work had given me some that she didn't need anymore. I took one last Tuesday because I thought I was getting close to ovulating and it was negative (as usual). Then, I decided to take one again on Friday at noon and a big smiley face popped up. I couldn't believe it. I've never seen a positive test before. This is a digital one that does the reading for you, so I took the strip out to see what the lines looked like, and I honestly would have called that negative if I had been reading it myself. The lines didn't match perfectly. The test line was slightly lighter than the control. So, I'm glad I had a digital one, otherwise I don't think I would have caught it. I took a picture of it, and then wanted to take another at about 8:00pm to show Erik, but that one came out negative. Those LH surges don't last very long I guess. So, I think I actually ovulated on Sunday morning and we timed things perfectly Friday through Monday and now I'm in another two week wait. Ugh. I should know something by Nov 14th. I took my temp and saw that I got a rise to verify ovulation, but I'm not going to take it anymore until I either get a period or a BFP because I don't want to obsess and freak out about every little temp change like I did last time. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because we timed things perfectly last time too, but I didn't get pregnant, so I'm not holding my breath. I'm just thrilled that I ovulated on my own two months in a row so I could have some chances to try. This is a miracle for me. Unheard of! I'm wondering if the clomid jump started my body into a rhythm. Last time it was CD 31 and this time CD 25 (Sep 25 and Nov 1) CRAZY. It could be the clomid, could be that I've relaxed about the whole thing, could be the weight watchers, could be that I've been doing some real praying. I don't know, but I'll take it.

daycare

so, one of the reasons I'm in a bit of a hurry to get pregnant is my glorious daycare plan. I had the perfect plan all figured out. Being a nurse, I have a repeating six week schedule where I work 3 twelve hour shifts a week. In two of those weeks, I made it so I only work two days a week and this is still considered full time, so I get full benefits. My schedule works out so that there is only two days a week that I will need day care because I work some weekend days and Erik is home on those days. Now, most daycare's will not let you only pay for two days a week because you're consuming a full 5 day a week spot, where they could make more money. So, you have to pay for all 5 days even if you're not using it. LAME. There is no way I could afford that. But, my employer has an employee day care that will let you pay by the day. I think It's around $50/day for 12 hours (not bad!). Of course, this is what I thought I would use, but it is wildly popular and there's a three year waiting list that you can't put your name on until you're pregnant. Crap.
So, my sister is a stay at home mom with a 1 year old and said she is going to stay home until he's in Kindergarten and I could just pay her the $50/day until I got into the day care. Awesome. And once you have one kid in the daycare, if I had a second, siblings automatically get a spot. So, I had it all figured out. My baby would just stay with my sister until they were about three at which time my nephew went to kindergarten.
So, I have about 4 years before he starts school and one of those years will be the pregnancy, so that leaves exactly three years for her to watch my baby if I get pregnant RIGHT NOW! So, I really need this thing to hurry up, otherwise, my master plan will fall apart.

weight loss

so, I started weight watchers about a week ago with my sister. I weighed in at 17 lbs overweight/ 17 lbs over the maximum for my height. And, my doctors have been saying that losing about 15-20 lbs might help me get pregnant. Extra fat can throw off estrogen levels and create wacky hormones, so I thought I should give it a try. My doctor said I'm not really overweight enough that she would think it would make a difference, so there's no guarantee that will fix it, but she said I could try if I wanted. I figure, I have to try everything I possibly can to at least know if it has an impact or not. I HATE trying to lose weight. Every time I try, I tend to fall right back into the same eating disorder patterns I had in college. THe obsessions and the competitiveness. But, I'm trying really hard not to let myself go crazy, reminding myself that this weight loss is not for appearance reasons, but rather to get me that BABY! It's not too bad of a program, and I've done well except for yesterday when I had my sisters over and we made home made butter cream frosted Halloween Sugar cookies, and I ate four of them. But, you have to live sometimes. I think I've lost almost 4 lbs this week, but I'll know for sure tomorrow.
Still no ovulation on my own. Today is day 23 of my current cycle, and I have one month left of my 2 1/2 month break/ attempt to ovulate on my own before I start Provera and Clomid again in early december. It would be great if I would just get pregnant on my own before then. Maybe the weight loss will help wake up those stubborn eggs!

This says it all

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

asking is fine, but be careful with your comments

I love when people ask me how things are going. I never get offended or annoyed by that. I'm flattered that people care enough to be interested. But, the advice and comments can sometimes be a little insensitive. Please do not say to me:

"Don't worry it will happen"

"God will give you a baby when he's ready"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"relax and it will just happen"

"you're young, you have time"

"you can't control everything"

"you haven't been trying that long"- this one is particularly annoying to hear from someone who ovulates monthly. I ovulate three times a year, so it would take me four years to have the same number of opportunities as they have in one year. In the time I've been trying, I've had one real opportunity to get pregnant, where as most women would have had five.

And please NO advice about any diets or certain foods to eat or how much you should weigh etc... because honestly it doesn't matter. I was on a low carb/ high protein diet that didn't work and at the same time someone told me they heard peanut butter was bad for fertility. Well great, I've been eating tons of peanut butter to balance out my carbs and I know plenty of people who eat nothing but sweets and got pregnant on accident. Or some people say I need to lose weight, while others say you need fat on your body to carry a baby and that's why skinny women have trouble. And I know 300 lb women who get pregnant right away. Even if it does really make a difference, unless you yourself have had fertility problems, you don't get to give me any advice. I don't want to hear it from someone who could get pregnant doing whatever they want. And unless I ask for advice, all I want you to say is "I'm sorry, that sucks, I hope it happens soon and you deserve it".

staying calm

so, stress is supposed to be the worst thing. And I think this is true because after the round of clomid didn't work, I gave up on that cycle and ten days later ovulated on my own. I had quit taking my temp and ate whatever I want. Go figure. So, no more low carb for me, and I don't wake up to take my temp except on days that I work and get up early anyway. I'm also trying to think about the benefits of not getting pregnant right now....more money to save, more free time to ourselves, more sleep etc... if I convince myself I don't want it that bad and that it's no big deal if it doesn't happen, maybe it will just happen because I'm not trying so hard. No ovulation sticks either. I hate those things. Just hangin out and if I ovulate, we'll take advantage of it, but I'm not killing myself to make it happen anymore.

first clomid

It's been a rough couple of months. At the end of August, I couldn't take it anymore; after being on metformin, I still was not ovulating regularly, so I took more provera and a round of Clomid in early september. I was so excited and just knew I would ovulate and get pregnant because many people I know got pregnant on their first round of clomid. Well, I never got a positive ovulation stick, but just in case they were wrong, we tried to make a baby almost every day during the two week window I could have ovulated. And let me tell you how to kill romance and spontaneity! Jeez. It started out fun, but then quickly got old. It was a long two weeks only to find out on cycle day 21 that my progesterone was only 2.4. It needs to be above 15 to show if you ovulated. SOOO disappointed. I cried for two days straight. All that effort plus $75 on ovulation sticks for NOTHING. My doc said on cycle day 35, I would take provera and start clomid over again, but then I miraculously ovulated ON MY OWN on day 31. We timed things perfectly and I should have gotten pregnant for sure, but NOPE. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Once again another disappointment and day of crying. So, I have decided to take a break from Clomid until December. I want to see if I will ovulate on my own again. Since I started the Metformin in July, I hadn't given myself longer than 25 days to ovulate before I would call my Dr for more provera to start over. But, I wonder if I will again ovulate close to day 31 if I just give myself a chance. If nothing by early December, Clomid again! The only thing is, my DR won't increase my dose. She wants to do 3 rounds of the SAME dose. I think this is pointless and a waste of time, so I'm thinking of getting a second opinion. Also, now I worry that something else is going on other than me not ovulating. I should have gotten pregnant and don't know what went wrong, but apparently even when everything is timed perfectly, there is still only a 40% chance of conceiving. It's a wonder anyone gets pregnant.

letting go

So, I'm a pretty big control freak. I like to control every single aspect of my life. I knew every class I was going to take every semester of college from the minute I graduated high school. I always have a five year plan and never let anything mess up my plan. So, I obviously wanted to plan which months I got pregnant in order to deliver in my desired month. I didn't want winter because it was cold and everyone got sick. I didn't want May because my husbands family has too many birthdays etc... and I didn't want July, August or November because that's when my family has a ton of birthdays. This left me with March, April, June, September and October. That's less than half the year! And for someone who rarely ovulates, I've decided that I don't have the luxury of being that picky anymore. I'll just have to take advantage of any time I ovulate. I'll just have to let go, give up control and let it happen when it happens.

done temping

I stopped taking my temp today. I decided that it was stressing me out and making me obsess. My estrogen should be going up to make me ovulate, which (estrogen) is supposed to make me a little on the cooler side and my temps should stay down. But the last couple of days they have jumped up almost into the post-ovulation range. I know for a fact I have not ovulated, because with charting my cycles for 6 months, I have been able to tell by cervical fluid and there is NO QUESTION. The temps only reassure me that I was right, but only AFTER I've ovulated. So, they're really not helping me right now. I think the last two high temps were just because I had gotten out of bed to pee a couple of hours before I took my temp (which raises temps). I'm supposed to have 4 consecutive hours of sleep before taking my temp, take it first thing when I wake up and at the same time every day. Well, those don't always go together if I have to get up to pee at 3, but don't normally temp until 5.

And then I get all worried that my estrogen isn't rising like it should and I'm never going to ovulate, and I get stressed out.

So from now on, I'm only charting my fluid and I'll start taking my temps when I think I'm ovulating so I can know I'm right.

One more thing to remove the stress and try to relax

please please come on already

well, I didn't ovulate, so I took Progesterone (provera) and had a period last week. So today is day 11 of a new cycle. My last cycle was 77 days long and would have been longer had I not forced a period with fake hormones. It has been about a month and a half since we decided to officially start trying for a baby and we haven't even had a real opportunity to even have the possibility of getting pregnant. It's already getting so stressful just waiting and wondering if it will ever happen. I have days where I just lay around and cry because it just isn't fair. I'm depriving myself of anything delicious so I will ovulate and it's not working. I get so mad when I see pregnant women lately. I feel like they're everywhere. And I get even more mad when I see them eating delicious carbs. Why do I have to kill myself to get pregnant (and probably to stay pregnant) while others ovulate every month like clockwork and get pregnant on the first try. I found out last week that 4 of my coworkers are pregnant and due around the time that I could be due if I had ovulated when we decided to try. I get so frustrated. I took a trip to Chicago last week and went back and forth on whether or not to stick to the strict diet while there. I've been stressing out so much about this diet, that I think it's prolonging ovulation even more. Doctors say stress is the worst thing for trying to ovulate, but on the other hand the low carb diet although stressful, is supposed to help. So what is worse, stress or carbs? AHHH! So I decided that the trip was a time to relax and hopefully the metformin would take over and do it's job.

Today I'm back home and back on the strict low carb (the carbs made my tummy hurt anyway). I would LOVE if I ovulated on day 14 like normal people do, but I don't think it's going to happen. I usually have wetness 4 days out, and that would be today (not happening).

Come on come on come on. I'm going crazy. I need a therapist.

metformin

started metformin 3 days ago. This is supposed to help balance out my sugar and insulin levels. This will then prevent the insulin hormone from dominating and allow my other hormones like estrogen do what they are supposed to do. I'm still eating really low carb, so hopefully sometime soon I will ovulate. It's kind of making me crazy just watching and waiting.

let the games begin

We decided a couple weeks ago to go ahead and START TRYING!!!!! We feel ready and excited to hopefully be parents. We were going to wait until december, and I know I've been going back and forth on this, but it is now official. My doctor is going to put me on Clomid in December, but we wanted to try on our own and see if just doing the low carb diet is enough to make me ovulate. So, I've been on a strict low carb diet since July 2nd and last time I did this, it took me two weeks to ovulate. I've been getting frustrated that it's not happening right away, but I'm trying to be patient and give it a chance. If I have not ovulated by July 16th, I am going to take progesterone to jump start a period and then see if the diet helps. Sometimes, I have to start things over with a new cycle for my body to figure out what's going on. I'm trying not to stress about it, but it's almost impossible because I've had to change my diet, so I'm always focused on what I'm eating and it is always in the front of my mind. I'll try to stay distracted with projects around the house, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of it, but I doubt it :)

miscarriages

There have been so many people I know recently who have had miscarriages. Two of them have been trying hard to have a baby. I was so happy for them, and then so sad for them. Just hearing their stories is emotionally draining and makes me worry so much. I so hope it doesn't happen to me. Especially not with my first pregnancy. I would at least want to know that I could have a healthy baby first, so I would know I could have one and not worry that I will never have a healthy baby. Why do teen crack whore prostitutes on drugs without jobs get pregnant so easily. I just don't understand. Blah.

a pregnant friend

I found out recently that a coworker who has had fertility issues for about 10 years or so and had given up on all fertility treatments and basically accepted that she was never having kids... is pregnant! I'm so happy for her. It gives me hope. I just love hearing stories of other peoples success who have had the same or similar problems as I have. I feel like I'm probably getting ahead of myself here because we haven't even started trying for kids yet. But, I feel like I need to set myself up to be prepared for disappointment. This way I won't be shocked and surprised when it doesn't happen for me the first time. I obviously have issues, so I might as well get used to the idea now. But, I would not at all be unhappy if I'm wrong and I get pregnant right away. That would be a miracle. Really, pregnancy in itself is a miracle. For everything to come together so perfectly is truly amazing. I learned that even if timing is perfect there is only a 40% of getting pregnant. That's crazy! It's amazing that it happens so often for so many people, but never for others. It seems unfair. Teens that don't want them get pregnant so easily, but a grown, employed, married woman tries and tries with no success. Ridiculous. Anyway, I am truly excited for my coworker and hope that soon one day I will know how she is feeling.

2nd time

I ovulated a couple of weeks ago for the second time since starting my diet. It was a 54 day cycle, ovulating on day 42, but at least I ovulated on my own! I've also started swimming laps at the gym on my days off so hopefully that will help control my blood sugar as well. 

back to my old ways

Still no ovulation. I'm over 30 days into this cycle, and no signs of ovulating. We've decided to wait until December to start trying now because of how much money we want to save before having kids. We will try Dec 15- Feb 1st. This will give us a September or October baby. But if I'm not pregnant by then, we will stop until June 15th to give us a March baby. I'm set on not having a baby in the middle of cold, depressing winter. I know some people think this is crazy and way too planned out, but that's just how I roll.  Then if I don't get pregnant June-October, I will consider myself to officially have fertility issues, and then I will forget the whole planning and take what I get. I will just be happy to get a baby at that point. 

My doctor said she would give me clomid at my request to make me ovulate, so hopefully in December, this will work out as planned.

So, for now, still waiting for my body to be normal.

long time

I haven't posted for a while. So, obviously I'm not pregnant.  I was a little disappointed because when I had my doctors appt on the Jan 22, I showed her my chart and she acted like there was a good possibility I could be pregnant and go me all excited because she was acting excited about it. And it also makes me worry a little about why I didn't get pregnant. Makes me worry somethings wrong. But, I know the chances were low with the timing, but I'm a worrier. On the other hand, it's better that I'm not pregnant now because we have some planned vacations and would like to save some more money before kids.

My other worry is that my luteal phase is short. I've always started spotting four days before my actual period, which was nice because it gave me a warning, but now that I'm charting and can see when this happens, I'm worried because it starts on the 10th day after ovulation. And you usually need 14 days in the phase to allow a fertilized egg to implant. I'm hoping that if this is a real problem, it could just be fixed by taking extra progesterone during that time.

So, now I haven't ovulated again, and I should have two days ago and I don't see any sign of it happening soon. I'm not too terribly worried though. We have been going out for ice cream lately with the nice weather. So, I'm thinking I've been having extra insulin on board. I'm not working as hard on my diabetic diet right now because I definitely don't want to get pregnant now through May because I don't want a Nov- Feb baby. So, I'm pretty confident that when I lay off the sugar hard core again, I will ovulate. Hopefully. 

I'm going to keep charting and I have another appt with my doctor in June to look at my charts and see what I need to do to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Hopefully we will have a baby sometime between March and October of next year. That's the goal.

My doctor decided not to run any tests because I had ovulated on my own with diet changes.

OVULATED!

my temp finally jumped today to 97.1 (this is high for me), which means I probably ovulated sometime in the last couple of days. I'm so excited. My body is working! This diabetic thing really works. Two weeks into it, and I ovulate!

I'm very happy. Chances of being pregnant are low, but there is still a chance and my fertility book said it would almost definitely be a girl because those sperm live longer.

Although, Erik doesn't have any vacation until next year, so I'd be more than happy with not being pregnant.

Either way, I'm just excited that I ovulated on my own. GO ME!

normal

doctor just called. My TSH and prolactin were normal. DUh. 

wishing and hoping

okay, I just might be OVULATING! I'm not 100% for sure, but I have many signs pointing towards it. Since Saturday  (today is monday) my cervical fluid has become more wet and turned to eggwhite last night and today. This is a sure sign of ovulation. Yesterday around noon I had a sharp pain in my left ovary that came and went a couple more times throughout the day.

If I truly have ovulated, my morning temp. should be higher tomorrow than it has been since I started recording on the 1st. Today it was 96.3 (low) which was a bit of a bummer.

I have been on a diabetic meal plan for a couple of weeks now, so I'm hoping that I've been able to keep my sugar and insulin levels down which has allowed me to ovulate. 

I hope it's not just wishful thinking and I'm not reading too much into it. I would love if this diet thing actually worked!

I would love to try for a baby now because I don't want to miss my chance. If I only ovulate once every six months, I feel like I'm going to miss the boat. 

But, Erik does not want to try now. He agreed to June, and that's enough for me. 

Although, if I truly ovulated yesterday or today and his sperm are able to live a long time (3 or so days), there is a small chance that I could become pregnant! 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard to do. 

confusion, torture, excitement and relief

This is a much needed update. So, I went to the doctor and had labs drawn and it wasn't what I expected. Instead of drawing estrogen and testosterone like I thought, my doctor ordered prolactin and thyroid stimulating hormone. I already know my TSH is okay because I already had it checked, and I'm not really sure why she would check the prolactin (this is what produces milk for breastfeeding). I asked the nurse about it, but she said I will need to talk to the doctor at my appt on the 23rd.  So, I'm a little frustrated and confused about this and anxious to hear her reasoning.

On a side note- it was torture sitting in the waiting room surrounded by four pregnant women and their husbands. I started to tear up just sitting there for fear that I would never get to be them. 

THEN- later that same day, I talked to Erik about it some more and he agreed to start trying in JUNE! I'm  very excited about this. This will hopefully result in a spring baby, if everything goes as planned. This is such a relief for me, so I don't have to spend the next two years worrying about my ability to get pregnant. We can start doing the investigating now, so that hopefully by the time June gets here, all the kinks will be worked out. 

labs only

I called my doctor to see about getting my hormone levels and a sonogram done before my appt so that we can talk about the results that day. I am going in tomorrow for the labs, but she didn't think a sono was necessary at this time. I'm glad I will be getting labs drawn but a little annoyed that she doesn't want the sono because I think that would be the definitive test for PCOS. Oh well, I'll see what the labs are and go from there.

evidence

I have pretty much given myself the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian syndrome (PCOS) until I see the doctor in 3 weeks. The things that have led me to this conclusion are:

not ovulating/ no periods

overweight (162 lbs 5' 5")

weight carried mainly in my abdomen

fatty liver with elevated liver enzymes

All of these things are linked to insulin resistance:

some people have a predisposition to getting diabetes (runs in my family), and usually before developing full on diabetes, they are insulin resistant. Most people do not realize they might have this because there are not many symptoms. As I understand it (and I may be wrong), my cells do not receive insulin as well as they should. Every time I eat sugar or carbs, the amount of sugar in my blood goes up. In response, my pancreas spits out as much insulin as I need. Insulin is a hormone that binds with sugar. The cells then recognize the insulin as the transportation for that sugar and then accept the "molecules" to use the sugar for energy. But, my cells don't really respond appropriately to the insulin (unknown cause), so I don't use the sugar like I should and I think this is where the weight gain and fatty liver come in to play. In addition, there is all this extra insulin floating around in my blood instead of in my cells. Insulin is a hormone and because hormones have chain reactions on one another, it throws off my normal hormonal cycles in my ovaries and instead makes them produce more testosterone. This is why I don't ovulate. And in PCOS, every month my ovaries go ahead and make the follicles of emerging eggs, but my estrogen level never reaches the high point it should to make an egg burst out (ovulate). Therefore a bunch of un-ruptured egg follicles or cysts are left covering my ovaries each month and continue to build up, hence "poly (many) cystic".

This can later lead to diabetes because my pancreas tries so hard to produce an over abundance of insulin for my resistant cells, but eventually won't be able to keep up anymore.

So, I have put myself on a diabetic diet. Eating low amounts of carbs in order to keep my blood sugar and insulin levels low. 

Hopefully this will make me ovulate.

background

I have started this blog so I can get some of my thoughts down and document what I foresee to be a long and difficult road to getting pregnant. All fingers crossed, I will be wrong!

Since I was 12 I have not had "regular periods". My cycles always lasted 32-50 days give or take a few. This was never too bothersome, until recently they've become completely wacky.

In August 2006 when I started working nights, I didn't have a period for about four months. Once I went to the doctor, she gave me five days of progesterone to induce a period and jumpstart my body back on track. This worked (somewhat). I began having periods, but they were still 35-65 days apart, and I never knew what to expect.

This past July 2008 was the last time I had a period on my own. After about a dozen negative pregnancy tests, I called the doc and began another 5 day treatment of progesterone and had an induced period on Nov 16th. 

This time it did not have its intended effect. I still have not ovulated and no period since. I've gotten really good at knowing when I ovulate by reading books, practicing the NFP method of birth control and just by the fact that it happens so rarely for me, it's become pretty hard to miss. 

So, needless to say, I am getting worried. I have reached a point in my life that I am ready for kids, but I worry it is not likely to happen for me. Erik said he would like to wait two more years, but I feel as though I need to take advantage of every ovulation I have seeing as how I only ovulate 1-2 times a year. I don't want to wait to long because it may take a long time to get pregnant.

I have a DR appt on Jan 23rd and I'm going to ask her to test my hormone levels as well as do an ultrasound for PCOS. Erik said that he would be willing to start trying if the doctor had a diagnosis that would make it difficult to get pregnant. 

I am a little worried, but I will keep this updated to let you know results and info.