baby wise

Is it really so wise? So many people I know have used this book which is a schedule based and "cry it out" book and these people have sworn by it. I had really thought I would do cry it out with my baby because I didn't want her to become too dependent on me holding her or become demanding and learn that she get what she wants when she wants it. I wanted her to be able to put herself to sleep without me rocking her for hours or holding her until I thought it was safe to put her down without her waking up. But, like I said in my last post... I just can't do it. When my baby cries, every fiber in my body tells me to go and comfort her. Now, I'm not talking about just a little bit of fussing... I let her fuss and whine a little without doing anything and give her time during the day to entertain and sooth herself so she's not always attached to and relying on me, but if she actually starts to cry, I feel like a neglectful mom if I don't respond. At first I felt like a bit of a failure for not being strong enough to follow through, but I'm kinda tired of beating myself up and feeling guilty for doing things that I think will make my baby feel more loved (quit BFing).

Working with babies for a living, I was a firm believer that a baby CAN in fact be "spoiled". I haven't changed my view on that because I've seen from experience that the babies who get held all the time cry more when they are put down and no one is paying attention to them. What I have changed is how I feel about this and the wording I would use. At my job, it is a spoiled baby, but at home with my own baby, I would like to say she's a loved baby.
So, if I always respond to her cries, then I'm teaching her that she can always rely on the fact that I will be there for her? And if I hold her often, then she learns to enjoy and prefer to be nurtured and touched? Are these bad things to teach her? I don't think so.

A cousin of mine sent me this message when I had expressed concern about letting my baby cry it out, and I think it's a good point that I had never thought of: "I have a few friends that are in a Baby Wise cult I think. Their kids are 3, 4, 6 and 6 and when they fall or get hurt or need anything they scream bloody murder. It's sooo loud and they do it before they even know if they are hurt. I can't help thinking, I wonder if this is because they know their mom won't come for little cries and that they are conditioned into screamers. They all were Baby Wised when they were tiny. "

Having my own baby has completely changed my thinking. I love her so so so so much and the thought of her being lonely or scared or uncertain just kills me. I'm an ISFJ in the myers briggs personality categories and no matter how much I try to be a "T" instead of an "F", I just can't help but be a softy and feel what my baby is feeling. For those who aren't farmiliar with this, "T" stands for thinker and "F" stands for feeler. I think being a feeler is making the cry it out idea impossible for me. I understand why some people do it and I don't necessarily think it's wrong, in fact, I used to think it was the right way to do it, but for now at least, I can't do it and I won't do it.

thou shalt not judge

home birth vs hospital birth

breast feeding vs bottle feeding

cloth diapers vs disposables

crying it out vs constant nurturing

tight schedule vs whatever, whenever

sleeping on back vs sleeping on tummy

co-bedding vs crib

daycare vs SAHM

vaccinating vs not vaccinating

home school vs public school

I used to have pretty strong opinions on most of these things until I myself became a parent and realized how much things did not go as I had planned. This is obvious in my two previous blogs. I had planned to breast feed and that didn't work out, and I was positive I wouldn't have baby blues, but I was wrong. I feared peoples judgement about these two things so much, that the biggest lesson I've learned since becoming a parent is to not judge other moms. Different things work for different moms and different babies. We preach to parents at work to never put your baby on their belly to sleep, but we tried it for a couple of nights because she was spitting up at night choking and gurgling with milk shooting out of her nose, and we felt it was safer on her tummy so she could spit it out and we had seen her be able to move her head from side to side during tummy time, so we didn't feel she would smother herself. We eventually got a crib wedge to elevate her head instead of putting her on her tummy, but it was another realization that parents just do what they have to do. If your baby screams all night and will only sleep on their belly, then I can totally understand why you would make that decision.

Before she was born, I swore she would not be allowed in our room and that she would only sleep in her crib in her room, but after three nights of continuously getting up and walking from room to room to give her her binki because she had her days and nights mixed up, we decided to put her bassinet next to our bed until she was only waking up for feeds. We had her next to our bed until she was a month old.

I also had planned on doing ''cry it out", but the sound of my own baby crying for me just tears me apart. I just feel like I'm neglecting her calls for help. I'm not as "strong" as I thought I would be. I now understand why some moms can't do it, but also get why others do it. It's just whatever works for you.

I planned on having a strict eating and sleeping schedule, but this proved to not be as easy as I thought. She has a very regular bedtime routine, but during the day it's whatever, whenever. She eats small amounts frequently. At two months old I can still only get her to take 3oz max, but she wants to eat every two hours. I said I would be very strict on not letting her be a "snacky" baby, but I can't overfeed her and if she's done, I hate to force her to eat. Her schedule is different every day, but really I think I"m okay with that because my activities and plans are not always the same either, so it's good for her to be able to go with the flow a little.

All of these things and more made me realize that things don't always go as planned, you don't know what it's going to be like until you do it and not to judge other moms for their decisions or parenting because everybody is so different and there are a million factors that play into deciding what works for your family.
So to all those moms out there..... you're all doing a great job!

breast feeding

What a nightmare!
Working in a NICU, all I see are moms trying to breastfeed infants with serious health problems, so I was well aware of how difficult breastfeeding could be. In fact, I wasn't even sure I wanted to because it seemed to be such a source of frustration and stress for the moms I work with and I just didn't want to put myself through that. But, everyone kept telling me that it's not like that with a healthy normal baby and that I should at least give it a try, so that's what I did. Before she was born, my stance on BFing was that I would try it just to see if she was an instantly good latcher that breast fed with no difficulty, but if she was not, I wasn't going to stress myself out about it like I see so many moms do, instead I would just pump out my milk for her and give it to her in a bottle. No problem, right? Wrong.
Let me start from the beginning in the hospital. Right after she was born, I didn't have the desire to try to breastfeed because honestly, I am a very logical thinker and it didn't make sense to have her suck on an empty nipple. I had gestational diabetes, and although it was well controlled, I still worried about her blood sugar dropping, so I wanted her to actually eat right away. Also, I had lots of visitors and WANTED those visitors. I was excited to have the grandparents and my siblings see the baby. I didn't want to be sitting in our room with the door closed trying to get a baby to feed from an empty breast while my family waited out in the waiting room. I know this is what people do all the time and that my family wouldn't have minded, but I minded. So, I gave her a bottle of formula.
And I continued to do so for the entire hospital stay. I had planned on feeding her formula from a bottle until my milk came in anyway because I see too many babies come into the NICU for high bilirubin because they were primarily breast feeding before any milk was available, so basically they were starving and dehydrated for four days. I didn't want any part of that. The pediatrician that saw her in the hospital kept pushing me to BF while I was there, saying that the longer I wait, the harder it will be. I told him my worries about jaundice and dehydration and that if I couldn't breastfeed, I would just pump the milk and give it to her and that the actual nursing wasn't that important to me.
I only tried to nurse her one time late at night in the hospital for about five minutes. She was frustrated that there was no milk, so I stopped and didn't try anymore in the hospital. It was hard, because there were always people in my room, and I knew it was going to be a struggle and was honestly a little embarrased and scared to try breast feeding with anyone around. I wanted to wait until I was home and my expert mom could help me. I didn't want the pressure of the nurses or lactation consultants and I didn't want people grabbing my boobs all the time. Not my thing. So, I simply told the nurses I would be bottle feeding her until my milk came in so they would leave me alone. I pumped frequently when there weren't visitors to get my milk to come in and by day four it was in.
I started out only trying to feed her when my mom was around to help because I think I was nervous that I would get frustrated without her guidance. So, if she wasn't around, I pumped every three hours and bottle fed her, supplementing with formula until I had a full supply (which took until about day 6). She was a terrible latcher with a really strong overbite so it was hard to get her bottom lip out to suck and each attempt took about 20-30 minutes of screaming and trying to latch before she actually would be successful. Then, she would suck for about five minutes, then come off and start crying again. It was a very frustrating cycle. Each feeding would take an hour to complete and then she'd want to eat an hour later. I was only able to have any latching success if I was laying down on my side and she would lay down and face me. The cradle hold would make her soooo mad.... she acted like she was being confined and smothered. She would use all her strength to push away from me and the more I tried to keep her in position, the worse it would get. So, this made it impossible to go anywhere in public because I can't exactly lay down everywhere I go, and she also wouldn't eat if I had a nursing cover up on. She would get hot and fussy and didn' like the cloth draped over her. This also made it hard to go anywhere in public. Every time I had to feed her at someone elses house, I would have to leave the room for an hour at a time so we could lay on a bed with no cover on. I felt so isolated from everything and everyone. I felt trapped in my house on the couch, and there was almost no point in getting dressed because during her 30 minute latching ordeal, milk would be spraying out everywhere making such a mess on me, her, my clothes, and the couch. The couch had to have sheets over it all the time to keep it from getting soaked and everything smelled like dry milk. I would cry and she would cry with every feeding. It was so much more frustrating than I even thought it would be. It annoyed me that I was the only one up all night, exhausted because I couldn't just feed her and then go back to sleep, no, I had to be up for a very loud frustrating hour each time she woke up, while my husband lay there sleeping.
She was ALWAYS hungry, probably because for one, I wasn't making much milk and also because she would burn so much energy screaming and desperately trying to latch on. It was to the point that I would be annoyed with my own baby just because she wanted to eat. Then, finally when she was about two weeks old, I was once again at my moms so she could help me try to breast feed her and my mom noticed that I was really not doing well. At this point, I had done nothing but breast feeding every feed for a week. No bottles to supplement like I had in the beginning. I wanted to just keep trying, because I knew eventually she would get it, but in that week, we had made NO improvement and I was starting to get really depressed about it. I hated that I was trapped to the house, that I wore sloppy PJ clothes all day, that I was the only person who could feed her, that every feeding was a crying stressful disaster for both of us, that I didn't sleep because they took so long, that I was resenting my husband for having freetime while I was miserable and even my baby for simply being hungry. I really think it was keeping me from bonding with my baby instead of encouraging it like all the breast feeding nazi's say it does.

My mom asked what was wrong as I sat at her house seeming sad, angry, distant and frustrated with my baby. I broke down crying about not wanting to breastfeed and she simply said "then stop". I didn't expect her to say that because she breast fed six kids and I thought she would really want me too. She was very supportive of me doing what worked for me and my baby and not letting others pressure me into doing something that was making me miserable. So I stopped. Thank God I have a supportive mom!


I still had horrible guilt for the first couple of days because I know breast milk is the best food for her, and I just felt like a bit of a failure even though I had originally said I wasn't going to stress myself out about it. The night I had decided to stop was some kind of national breast feeding day or something like that and there was a segment on the news abou it (of course) and the model Gizelle was quoted saying: "not breast feeding your baby is selfish... why would you give your baby chemical food at such a young age? I think not breast feeding should be illegal." This didn't exactly help me feel any better about my decision, but I still knew it was the right decision for my family. I had originally thought that if I couldn't breast feed, that I would just pump and bottle feed every feeding. But, once I tried this, I realized how impossible this was to keep up with. I can't pump in public, so once again I would be confined to my house, feedings take twice as long because it takes 15-20 minutes to pump and then another 15 for her to eat it from the bottle, and I'm aslo not spending that time with her each time I pump... I would have to lay her down, ignore her and go sit down and pump. And I wanted to love and spend time with my baby, not be hooked up to a machine for half the day.

I have heard that babies only need 1oz of BM a day to get the antibodies from their mom, so I decided that is something I could do. I pump once in the morning before she wakes up and once at night after she goes to bed. This way, I'm not missing out on any time with her, and I'm still keeping up enough supply to provide her with antibodies. I only get about 3oz total each day, but I'm happy with that. I have been able to bond with my baby sooooo much better NOT breastfeeding. I can now smile at her, talk to her and be incredibly happy to feed her. It's a much more positive experience for both of us now. People who say you bond better with your baby if you breast feed clearly had an easy time breast feeding, because if it's difficult, it has quite the opposite effect. I really don't see a difference anyway, either way, you are holding your baby close to you and providing it with nourishment while it looks into your eyes, who cares what it is they're sucking on.? Some people are just so hung up on this breast feeding thing that they loose sight of what's important. There is so much more to being a good mom than just providing breast milk and i really resent people for making me feel like a bad mom for not doing it.

I don't think it's better for my baby that we have so much stress associated with eating and a mom who is about to loose it. I think it's much healthier for her to have a happy mom who gladly feeds her formula. I feed formula to so many babies at work who end up totally happy and healthy, and there are moms who adopt their babies or just don't make milk for some reason or another and formula may not be a perfect match to BM, but it's a fine substitute.
Once I quit breast feeding, I was also able to get out of my baby blues funk becaue I didn't constantly feel frustrated and I was also able to get up and go.... get dressed, get out of the house,and organize my day into some kind of schedule. For some people, I understand that this isn't important and laying around half naked all day feeding your baby in bed sounds great, but it's just not for me. And I realize that it's the natural thing to do and that in some cultures there wouldn't be a choice and the baby would eventually just have to learn....well I'm sure that in those cultures, there's more acceptance and ease of BFing in public and I'm also willing to bet that the infant mortality rate is much higher due to not enough milk or other problems with feeding, so I'm lucky I have a choice! It's so much easier to feed in public now, which I have to say is unfortunate that our society doesn't cater to/ accept breast feeding more. Having tried to go in public and breast feed, it is such a pain! Cover ups suck, and there's no good place to go and feed your baby. I think a lot of people don't breast feed for this reason alone. It's funny that we push brest feeding on moms so much, yet don't make it very easy for them.
So, why didn't it work for me? Should I not have given her bottles before we had established breast feeding? Maybe. But then would she have gotten dehydrated and jaundiced? Maybe. Should I have allowed the nurses and lactation consultants to help me in the hospital instead of trying to keep them away? Maybe. But then would my hospital stay and first days with my baby also have been stressful instead of enjoyable? Maybe. Is it because I had a negative view on breast feeding from the beginning and I was nervous and this got in my own way? Or is it just that she has a strong overbite and I didn't make enough milk to keep her full? I've heard that women with PCOS/insulin resistance (me) don't produce as much milk. Who knows what the reason is, and it doesn't really help anything to play the "what if" game. All I know is that I did what I thought was best for my baby at the tme and I'm still doing the best I can to make what I feel like are the right decisions for her.

baby blues

What? How can it be possible that anyone could feel blue after having a baby? It's the most joyous occasion of your life to have this precious miracle that you've waited 9 months (or longer) for. That's what I always said about baby blues and postpartum depression. I never understood it and knew 100% for sure that I would not have this because I was so excited for my baby. Well, I had a little lesson in "you don't know what it's like until you've experienced it yourself". After we got home from the hospital, I didn't feel as elated as I had thought I would, and for the first day or two I just brushed it off as being too tired to get excited about much. But then I realized it was a little more than that. I was very teary eyed, weepy and just felt down. I couldn't explain it and felt confused and actually ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone how I was feeling because I was worried people would think it meant I wasn't happy about or didn't love my baby, which was the furthest thing from the truth. I was so happy to have this perfect healthy baby in my arms that I loved so dearly. So, what was the problem? I wasn't sure. It only lasted about two weeks before this feeling was completely gone, but I was so surprised that I even had the so called "baby blues" so I really wanted to figure out what had caused them. I thought about it a lot and came up with an explaination: First of all, there is definitely a hormonal component because I had never felt that kind of "sadness" that seemed to come from nowhere with no reason or thing to provoke it. Just a general down feeling that I had no mind control over. No matter how much I tried to logically talk my mind out of it, I still had this feeling. It was very strange and not at all enjoyable. But, besides the hormones, there is serious exhaustion, frustration of a screaming baby, worry and guilt about whether you're being a good parent and making the right decisions for your baby, frustration with breastfeeding (that's a whole other post), physical pain and healing from delivery, the realization that you can't be the amazing supermom you had planned on being (keeping up with meals, housework etc..), and a lack of any free time or "me time" to recharge your emotional self. I thought I was well prepared for all of those things and was fully aware of them before she was born, but there was some other component that wasn't as obvious to me and I had not prepared for. I was constantly thinking about delivery day and replaying the events in my mind and looking at pictures from that day, and I realized I was coming down off of the incredible high I had been on for nine months. Yes, I have my wonderful baby now, but there is a bit of "mourning" that the big day is over. I remember feeling this way after my wedding.. for so many months you are excited and anticipating something that everyone is looking forward to and preparing for, and although you are now married to the love of your life, in an instant the excitement is over. Or like a birthday for a kid... they have all the gifts they asked for, but for some reason they're a little sad that the big day is over.
For nine months, no matter what kind of day I had or what events were happening in my life, there was always that something to be excited about or look forward to, and having this "thing" kept me on a kind of "high". Always in a good mood, always smiling. I think that's what people are talking about when they say they miss being pregnant. I didn't ever understand that because pregnancy is physically painful, but it's the emotional high that they love so much. And once the amazing delivery is over and you go home to a new reality that takes serious adjustment and the visiotrs are gone and the excitement and "newness" has ended and everyone goes back to normal life, you just feel a little sad. It's probably the biggest most important event of your life, and in an instant it's over and you're left with the "now what"?
What helped me was to get out of new mom mode where I shower late in the day, stay in my PJ's, nap all day when she sleeps and just generally feeling prisoner to your house and baby. I had to make myself get up and shower and get dressed first thing in the morning, even if I hadn't gotten much sleep. I had to create my new "normal" and just get up and go. I know people say you need to sleep when the baby sleeps, but for me that just made me feel like a depressed slug. I hate sleeping during the day, and I felt like it just encouraged her to sleep during the day, whereas getting up and using that time to get things done and make noise kept her from sleeping well, so she got her days and nights in order. I will occasionally take a nap during the day if I'm exhausted, but for the most part, I feel like being my old productive daytime self helped me get out of my funk. The other thing was to get out of the house. Just going to the mall and walking around with her in the stroller or having lunch with a friend helped things get back to normal. Also, just talking about how I was feeling to my husband, mom and sister and getting support from them. My mom is the best at understanding how I feel and making me feel okay about it. She told me that it's normal and important to talk about the delivery day and reminisce about it, especially with other new moms, and she was right, that really did help. And the last thing that really helped was giving up on breast feeding! I'll try to talk about that tomorrow.

The birth

It starts like this:

I woke up at 5am READY TO GO! I showered and packed our last minute hospital items and left at about 6:10am to get gas and make it to the hospital by 6:30 for induction. I had been told by my doctor and her nurse to be there at 6:30, but the L&D nurse had told me 7:00 on the phone the day before. I didn't know which one was accurate, so to be safe, I arrived at 6:30.

As I pulled in the parking lot at about 6:25, I recieved a phone call from one of the nurses at the hospital saying "I'm not sure if you've left yet to come to the hospital yet, but we just filled our last bed, so we're gonna have to put your induction on hold." My heart sank and I told the nurse that I had just pulled in the parking lot, so she put me on hold, then came back on the phone and told me to come on in and they would clear a bed for me. Phwew! Good thing I went in at the earlier time, otherwise I wouldn't have been in the parking lot and may not have been induced that day. When you're that ready and excited to have your baby and family has taken the day off work and everything is arranged so perfectly, it would be devastating to be put on hold.

So we waited in the waiting room for about 45 minutes for them to move someone out and clean my room. While we were waiting, one woman walked in in labor and I started to get really worried that she would get my room, but somehow they were still able to fit me in.

As soon as I got in my room I quickly put my hospital gown on and sat my naked butt on the bed to "mark my territory" so there was no kicking me out.

At 7:30 my nurse started my IV and began infusing fluid rapidly to raise my BP so that I could have an epidural as soon as I wanted one (epidurals can lower BP). She also started a dose of ampicillin for the GBS and the pitocin. She started the pitocin at 2ml/hr and said she would raise it by 2ml/hr each hour until I was having contractions 3 minutes apart and go to a maximum of 20ml/hr.

I didn't really have any contractions for the first hour. At 8:30 my doctor broke my water and checked me - I was 5cm dilated. When she broke my water I only felt a little trickle every now and then because her head was already so well engaged and was blocking any kind of gush.

My nurse also turned up the pitocin to 4ml/hr at this time. I immediately started having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes. Once I felt these contractions, I knew then that all the "contractions" I'd been having for the past month in "pre term labor" must have just been braxton hicks that for some reason were regular and looked like strong contractions on the monitor, but they were definitely not the real thing. This will be good to know for the next pregnancy.

My doc and nurse said I could have the epidural whenever I wanted because I was already 5cm, but I wanted to wait and have regular contractions for a while to at least get my body on a roll because I was worried that the epidural might stall my labor. I lastd one hour. The contractions were getting very intense and making my whole body shake and cry.

At 9:30 I said "okay, that's enough" and pressed my nurse call button for my epidural.

She sat me up on the side of the bed and I noticed that I had a giant bubble on my arm- my IV had infiltrated. So, she had to turn off the pitocin while she quickly put in another IV before the anesthesiologist came in. This worked out really well because I was worried about having to hold still through a contraction while the epidural was being put in. I was having to almost uncontrollably rock and sway through every contraction, but because the pitocin was temporarily turned off, I did not have a single contraction while the epidural was being put in.

The anesthesiologist was excellent. I was thinking it would hurt pretty bad, but I didn't feel a thing! I felt the "bee sting" of the lidocaine, but then I didn't even know he had put the epidural in when he said "okay all finished". I really felt NOTHING, and he put it in very quickly.

At 9:45 I laid back down and he said that the contractions would gradually imporve and I should have full relief within 15 minutes. The pitocin was turned back on and I had two contractions that I could tell were improving and I was starting to relax.

Then at 10:00, I was waiting for that "full relief" but everything started to change. Suddenly I was no longer feeling the contractions as they had been, but I had intense pressure/pain in my butt. I was worried that the epidural hadn't worked, but instead had changed the location of the pain. I said to the nurse that it felt like I had to poop really bad. She gave me a worried look and decided she should check me.
I was fully dilated and her head was just a little over a fingertip away, and it was already time to push. I couldn't believe it, and was glad I had gotten my epidural just in time. It's been theorized that the epidural is what made me dilate so quickly because it made me relax enough to let things progress, but I also wonder if I was already in transition before the epidural and I got it just in time. Either way, I know that I'll ask for my epidural right away with my next baby, because dilating 5cm in one hour was really fast for a first baby. One nice thing about being ready to push immediately after getting the epidural is that I never needed to have a urinary catheter.
At 10:12 I began pushing with the nurse to see how fast things would happen. Apparently I had the perfect epidural because I could still move my legs completely and they never went numb, they just tingled. I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, but I could feel tons of pressure and had the urge to push each tme. Each push made progress and once we were getting close, I had to stop pushing because my doctor couldn't be found. Let me tell you, it is very difficult to not push with that kind of pressure barreling down. Eventually my doctor was found in the middle of performing a C section. She finished up and then came into my room joking about how fast I had progressed. I did a few more pushes and could feel some of the pain and burning of giving birth which combined with the pressure was pretty uncomfortable, so I can't imagine feeling that without an epidural. As her head was almost out, they asked if I wanted to bring the mirror back over so I could see (I had been using it early on), but I was so uncomfortable at that moment that I said "no, just get her out". My doctor was trying to let my skin stretch out slowly to minimize tearing, but the baby was coming out on her own even without me pushing. My doctor asked for a tiny push and all I did was lift my head up off the bed and she popped out rapidly (So much for stretching).She didn't have a cone head at all because she came down so fast that she didn't really have time for her head to sit there and mold into shape, which could have reduced my tearing.
She was born at 11:13, one hour and one minute after the first push. She came out screaming and had apgars of 8, 9, 9. Her cord was loosely wrapped once around her neck, but didn't seem to affect her. I had really expected to have a large baby because of the gestational diabetes, but thanks to my well controlled diet, she was a very average 7lb 5oz and 18.5 inches long and had no blood sugar issues at birth.
I didn't even know when I delivered the placenta because apparently it just fell out on it's own. My doctor said I had a "garden variety grade two tear" in two spots and a few hemmeroids from the pushing. My excellent epidural made it so I didn't feel any of the stitches being put it. Once she finished stitching, something started to bleed and she had to go in and stitch some more, but it was all under control in just a matter of minutes.
It was all very calm and controlled with minimal pain and I don't think I could've asked for a better delivery. I feel very lucky with how well it went. Not only was it smooth for me, but the babys heart rate never dropped and she tolerated the whole thing very well.
I was pretty sore the next several days and couldn't really sit up or stand for very long, but she is worth every bit of it.
With my positive GBS status, doctors like to get two doses of ampicillin infused, but getting at least one dose in four hours befoe delivery is sufficient. If I had made it to 11:30, she would have been "all clear" but because she was born 17 minutes before that deadline, she had to have her blood drawn and be on "sepsis protocol" to watch for infection. We had a minor scare with some bacteria found in her blood that bought her some IV antibiotics, but it turned out to be a skin contaminate and she was cleared and able to come home with us.

one last time

well, I'm about to go to bed to try and get some sleep before the big day tomorrow! I'm amazingly pretty sleepy, so I might actually be able to get some rest. I took some benadryl to help just in case. I had originally been scheduled to go in to the hospital the night before to get cervidil, but because I'm already dilated and effaced so much, my doctor said it was useless and that it might make me deliver before she even arrives in the morning. At first, I had really wanted to go in the night before just to make it seem like we were that much closer, but after the last 4 times in the hospital and two of those being overnight stays, I am SOOOO glad I'm not going in tonight. I don't sleep at all in that place. I'll get way more rest here at home and have so much more energy for labor and pushing tomorrow.

I can't believe it's finally here. I don't feel like it's flown by, in fact I feel like it was forever ago that I found out I was pregnant. I can't wait to see who/what she looks like and to just stare at her for hours. I'm amazingly calm about tomorrow. I mean, I'm very very excited in a happy anticipation kind of way, but I'm not nervous or antsy. Just simply looking forward to a long awaited day.

I'm not really nervous about the pain. Not that I don't dread the pain, it's just that it's the kind of pain that you know is okay to have. Different than if you knew someone was going to shoot you in the leg.... even if you knew you would be okay, it's a scary pain because it's not supposed to be there. This pain is supposed to exist. It's a means to a happy ending. That said... if I have the option, I'm going to do what I can to knock it out (epidural) I'm just explaining why it's not making me nervous. It may also have to do with the fact that I plan on having major pain relief, so I know I won't feel it for long.

I think I'm also not nervous because my doctor keeps applauding the progress I've already made and seems to think I'll have an easy delivery. That certainly does instill some confidence and get rid of some anxiety I think. I just hope she's right.

My biggest worry is something happening to the baby. That she might not tolerate labor or her heart rate would drop and we have an emergency situation. But, I try to convince myself that won't happen because I've seen her look beautiful on a monitor and tolerate contractions (at least mild ones) nicely.

I just pray that she arrives safe and healthy tomorrow.

In addition to being super excited to see her, I am also very excited to be rid of the diabetes and eat as many carbs as I want, not feel like I have to pee all the time, be able to walk and move without pain (in a couple of weeks anyway) and sleep on my back.

Looking forward to seeing you in a few hours baby girl. Mommy loves you.

heard it before

yesterday I had to go to my regular primary doc to get a refill for the abx for the ear infection because the original presciber didn't give me enough. While I was there, they found my BP to be 144/88 and were slightly concerned. I told them it had been high before, but would eventually come back down once I laid down for a while. They checked my urine and found a trace amount of protein.
Protein in the urine while pregnant is a sign that BP s creeping up and restricing flow to the kidneys, so the kidneys aren't able to filter out the protein as well. Doc was concerned and asked me to call my OB and tell her these two things just to be safe.
I left a message with OB's nurse at 1450. At 1630 I recieved a call from the nurse that she has informed my doc, but was waiting for a response becuase my doc was in the middle of a delivery.
Office closed at 1700 and at 1830, I assumed I was not going to get a call back. I checked my own BP twice and it was 142/94 and this was after I had been resting a while. So, I contemplated whether or not to call the on call doc and decided to, only because I know the risks and dangers of leaving it unchecked.
On call doc wanted me to go into L&D to get checked. I gave her the entire story of the past three times I've sat at that stupid hospital and told her that my BP was high Friday night and there was protein in my urine, but that once I was in bed for a while, the BP came down and nothing was ever done. I told her my BP seems to be fluctuating and that I really didn't want to come into the hospital if we weren't going to do anything because I already had an appt with my doc for today.
On call doc was very understanding and said that she promised that if there was even a slight medical reason or borderline concern with my BP or labs..she would induce me. Otherwise she would send me home and not make me stay. Deal!
So, I'm thinking... alright, here we go... we're gonna have a baby tonight. So, we grab the big hospital bag this time and get everything ready to go thinking this is it.
I get to the hospital (for the 4th time) and my BP's are lower than they have ever been, running about 120/60. WHAT?! Of course that would freaking happen. The one chance I have to be induced and my body decided to behave and look totally healthy. ALso, there was no protein in my urine and all my bloodwork was normal.
So, we stayed for about 1.5 hours and were sent home. AAAAAAHHHHH.... I mean, at least I didn't have to stay overnight for no reason, but I had really got my hopes up that I was going to meet my baby. Ugh. Lets just say I was not in the best mood after that last night.
So I had my scheduled dr appt today along with a sonogram and biophysical profile. She is measuring 7lb 10 oz estimated and only two days ahead of her due date, which is really good. Doc says her porportions are great and her torso size is excellent and that she doesn't seem to be affected by the diabetes at all thanks to my fabulous blood sugar control. Thank you very much. Something good better come from this torturous diet.
Biophysical looked good, although the tech realy had to prompt her to move much cuz she's so crowded in there.
I tried to convince doc to do the induction this friday instead of next tuesday, but she said I don't have any good medical reasons to justify it and she is legally not allowed to induce before 39 weeks without need. She said she would get her head chopped off. Dang.
She doesn't actually think I even have a UTI. She said that once a woman has dilated, it's very easy to contaminate a urine specimen with blood, bacteria and even some protein because so much stuff is falling out of that cervix and she never believes a urine sample on a dilated woman unless it's from a sterile catheter.
But, she said it's good that I'm on the abx anyway becuase I'm now GBS positive, and I may not have time for two full doses of IV abx during labor, so these oral abx should kill it before I even get there.
She said if I get a yeast nfection, I can still deliver because yeast is not harmful to the baby, it's just annoying for me. She is more concerned that with all the abx that I could get CDIFF (a horrible intestinal bug) and said she's had women in labor with it and it's aweful. So, she said to keep eating yogurt and take a probiotic to help prevent this.
My BP was 130/84 today and she said that the fluctuations in my BP are normal with activity vs rest, and my "highs" are just a little higher now becasue I'm nearing the end of the pregnancy and I'm carrying a little extra fluid and blood which is totally normal.
She said she would only be concerned if I had consitantly high BP's that didn't come down with rest, always had a lot of protein in my urine, had elevated liver enzymes, was really puffy or had rapid weight gain, and I don't have any of these.
She said shes not concerned because we are inducing in less than a week and her only other recommendation would be for me to quit working and take it easy, which I've already done.
I'm still 4cm and 90% effaced. She is so surprised that I"m still pregnant and doesn't think I'll make it to induction date. She is convinced I will have her this weekend. I told her, she's been saying that for 3 weeks and nothing is happening. But, she still really thinks I won't make it. Uh huh, I've heard that before!
Luckily, she's on call all weekend, so other than me going into labor overnight one day this week, or next monday (she's off) she will be the one to deliver.
Here's to more waiting!
My official guess is July 20th, sometime between 1300-1500 and 8lb 1 oz

weekly hospital stay

Friday night and all day saturday I thought it would be fun to stay yet again at the hospital and then come home with no baby. I just enjoy those hospital beds so much, I can't stay away for more than a week.

Twice thursday morning and again friday afternoon I had more "fluid" of unknown origin so I called my doc to see if I should get it checked. Of course, she sent me to L&D just to be safe. I was sure I'd be in for a quick check and sent home right away, so I told husband not to leave work early, that it would be no big deal and I'd call him if he needed to come up to the hospital.

Well, both tests were negative for amniotic fluid and an ultrasound was done to check fluid levels and that looked good as well. Doc said I'm probably noticing what she calls "cervical sweat". Nasty, I know. She said that as a cervix dilates, it secretes a lot of loose, wet discharge that can be very "fluid-like". She said since I'm dilating so much, so early, I'm probably experiencing more of what someone wouldn't experience until they are in the hospital in active labor.

So, you would think I would have been sent home right? Wrong. Per protocol, they hooked me up to monitors and checked vitals and "surprise" I have a temp of 101 and a slightly elevated BP of 147/95, so now I had to stay a bit.

My urine showed a UTI once again and grew more white blood cells than it had the previous week and Group beta strep. Weird. This is probably not actually in my urine, but rather a contaminate from the outside, which would mean I'm now carrying GBS although my original culture was negative. This is important to know because we don't want her born through GBS and getting sick. So, I had to stay 24 hours to receive IV antibiotics and have my temp monitored. UGH.

Also, I had some protein in my urine and with my BP being high, they worried I might be developing PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) so they drew my liver enzymes to make sure they weren't elevated. They came back normal, and my BP eventually came down, which is very good for my health, but I have to say I was kind of hoping things wouldn't have been normal so I could have delivered her that night.

I'm just about sick of staying in the hospital and not having a baby.

I had gone back to work on Thursday and was supposed to work Saturday, but had to call in "sick" because of this whole thing, which really upset me because that's more maternity paid time that I had to use again with NO BABY.

At 8:30 saturday night I was released home after 24 hours with no fever and a prescription for oral antibiotics.

In the meantime, my right ear is starting to hurt pretty bad and I realize I'm getting another outer ear infection just like I had a year ago. I have a kind of dermatitis in my ears that makes them itch terribly and if I scratch too much, the skin on the outside of my ear gets infected and swells shut causing LOTS of pain.

So, the next morning I call the on call OB who prescribed my antibiotic and ask her if it will cover the skin infection. She said no, that I would need a different one for that. I figured as much since I developed it while on the other IV antibiotics.

So, Sunday I made a trip to urgent care and got a prescription for my ear.

Now I'm on two abx- one has to be taken every 6 hours and the other every 8 hours for the next week. Which means I have to get up at night and carefully remember the times to take them during the day. This, on top of taking my blood sugars as scheduled got me thinking that working my last three shifts might not be such a good idea. In my job, it can be hard to get away from the bedside at exact times, and it's easy to get busy and distracted and not remember to do these things. I already have trouble staying on top of the blood sugars alone when I'm at work.

Also, I am now dilated to 4cm and still contracting about every 7 minutes (although still not painful) and the docs and nurses say that they can feel her head and amniotic sack bulging beneath and said it would be very easy to break it and that once it does, I need to get to the hospital quickly because they don't think it will take long for her to come and if I want an epidural I may not have much time and I will probably need to make it in time to get another IV dose of abx for the GBS.

This also had me worried about going back to work. I don't have the type of job where I can just run out if I need to. If my water broke, I would still need to finish up charting, figure out who can take my assignment, give report, get someone to come get me because I probably shouldn't drive myself at that point, wait for them and then make it to the hospital. This could take a long time.

Whereas, if I'm at home, I'm 7 minutes from the hospital, and if I feel it's necessary, my neighbor is home and has offered to drive me if I think I'm in a major hurry.

So, with all of this to consider, I decided that I should not go back to work anymore. I'm taking myself out one week early, which cuts down on my time with her, but I figure it's not worth the risks. Plus, I feel like my pelvis could shatter in to a million pieces with every step I take, which doesn't make for a fun work day.

So, I'm officially on maternity leave and should return to work in early october. Now, if she could just hurry up and come out so I could take advantage of this time off, that would be great!

Also, my new concern is that I'm on so much abx that I will develop a yeast infection, and I'm not sure if that will open a whole new can of worms concerning delivery, so it'd be nice if she would just come before I've been on these abx for an entire week. Everyone has been saying for three weeks "she'll be here any day, you won't make it much longer", but I'm starting to think this baby is very stubborn and won't be coming until we force her out. And at the rate I'm going of 1cm a week, I should be almost 6cm by the time we induce, which is a plus.

I'll just eat buckets of yogurt to try and build up some good bacteria in the meantime.

Hopefully I won't be making another trip to that hospital until I have this baby, but I also said that last week. We shall see.

slow progress

had Dr appt today with different doctor cuz mine is on vacation. She was very nice. Everything looked good. Still 3cm dilated, but head is now at zero station (has moved down more) and she said somewhere between 80-90% effaced. She didn't make the comment that my cervix was posterior like everyone else has been and she had an easier time finding it. She was much quicker and it was way less painful. I don't think she had to reach as far back, so I'm wondering if it's more anterior because that would be a sign of progress as well. Dang, I wish I had asked. She said I should be happy because I'm way ahead of the game, especially for my first baby. YAY.

So, just more waiting. Still having random contractions that come and go but don't progress into anything serious. It's back to work tomorrow, so maybe once I get back into my normal routine and put a little stress back in my life, I'll send my self into labor! All this lazing around seems to slow things down, which was good for the last two weeks, but now I have the green light to speed it up again. Come out baby!

sleepless night

Warning: this post may contain TMI including talk of bodily fluid. Discontinue reading if this will bother you.
Wednesday and Thursday at two seperate times I noticed some wetness with no color or consistancy. Each time it was probably about a tablespoons worth and soaked through my clothing. Knowing that sometimes the amniotic sack can develop a small tear and slowly leak, I wanted to be sure this wasn't amniotic fluid because this can be dangerous in two ways: if the sack is torn, bacteria can enter and infect the baby and the longer she's exposed, the more danger there is, also if fluid slowly leaks out without me realizing it, her protective cushion goes away and suddently she's in a very hard environment that can easily injure her in many ways including brain damage.
So, I called my doc at about 7am leaving her nurse a message to see what she thought. At about 0930, the nurse calls me for details and says she wll leave a note for the doc to see what she wants to do. At 1330 I still hadn't heard anything, so I called back to see if the nurse had talked to the doc. She said she still hadn't heard anything from the doc (slightly frustrating). While we were on the phone I mentioned that my contractions had picked up again that day, although they still were not painful. She said to time them for two hours and then call back.
I timed them and they were 4-5 minutes apart. I calld back at 1530 and left another message telling her this.
At 1600, she called back and said she had talked to the doc and she wants me to go into L&D right away. UGH. I sighed and said: "really, again? But the contractions don't hurt and I haven't had any fluid since 6am, so I didn't think there was anything to test at that point anyway." I was a little frustrated because I called so early hoping I could just get into the office that day and simply test the fluid. But, now it was so late that the office was closing, so my doc said the only way to do the test was to go to L&D. But, my last experience in L&D wasn't the greatest, so I really didn't want to go back until I was really having this baby.
But, for the safety of my baby, I went back in to check the fluid.
I arrived and they hooked me up to the monitors (standard procedure) and proceeded to tell me about the two tests that can be done to test for amniotic fluid. The first is a little strip of paper that is placed near the outer "area" and will change color if amniotic fluid is present. This can be performed by the nurse, but is less accurate than the 100% accurate "fern test". The second test can only be performed by the doctor and a swab of fluid is taken from the cervix and looked at under a microscope.... if the fluid creates a "fern" like crystal shape, then it is amniotic fluid.
The first test was performed and was negative, and the on call doctor (not mine) decided not to do the fern test. Instead, they had now become more concerned with my "strong" and regular contractions on the monitor.
I told them that I'd been having these for a couple of weeks and that they didn't hurt and they are really nothing to get excited about. Well, they disagreed and decided to "watch" me for a while. They checked me and said I was 2cm, 80% effaced and -2 station (where the babies head is... -4 being far away and +4 is basically the head is out). I contracted every 3-4 minutes and nurse came in once again with the terbutaline to stop the contractions. This time I refused and told them that my doc didn't want me to have that. Nurse seemed annoyed and said she would go out and call the on call doc again.
She comes back in and decides to start an IV to give me fluids and a muscle relaxer because I had told her that this is all my doctor wanted me to accept. Here we go again.
After a while she checks me again and says I am now 3cm dilated, 80% effaced and -1 station with no change in contractions. SHe calls on call doc again because now she tells me they are concerned that I'm having cervical changes with these contractions, but I am not yet 37 weeks.
Doc says she really wants to stop the contractions and would like to give me IV morphine and an extra shot of muscle relaxer three hours before I should be able to have another ( the normal dosing is every 6 hours)
I absolutely refused the morphine and told her I would feel more comfortable not taking an extra muscle relaxer until the 6 hour mark. Annoyed, the nurse agreed to wait. I told her that I have a script of this at home that they had given me last time and I could take another if I needed. But, they wanted to keep watching me, which meant I had to stay until 3am to take this next dose. Sigh.
Meanwhile, they have also started IV antibiotics for my "unknown" GBS status even though I had told them it came back negative on Tuesday. But, the on call doc wanted to proceed anyway with every 4 hour antibiotics.
I fell asleep (as much as you can in a hospital) around 1am and my contractions really slowed down, almost completely going away. I'm not sure if this is from the muscle relaxer or if this shows that they were not real contractions, but simply an irritable uterus that calms when I go to sleep.
The nurse comes in at 3am and wakes me up to take another muscle relaxer, although i clearly don't need it.
Then at 4 she comes in to hang another antibiotic and bag of IV fluids. At this tme, I ask why I'm still here since I'm no longer contracting? She said the on call doc decided to keep me overnight until my doc can come in the morning and decide what to do with me.
So, I'm thinking the on call doc got a little annoyed with me not following her orders and said "fine, let her doctor deal with her in the morning if that's what she wants".
I also asked if I still needed to have so much IV fluid because the point was to rule out dehydration as a cause of contractions and since I was no longer contracting, was swelling up with excess fluid and having to pee every half hour, I thought we could just turn them off. But no, doc has orders to keep running them, along with the antibiotic because apparently my urine sample had a possible infection and the luid would flush it out.
This showed up in my urine sample last week, but when looked at closer they realized the bacteria was simply a contaminate and not really a UTI that needed treatment. I told the nurse this, but it did no good. Antibiotics and excess fluid would continue "just in case."
So, we laid there all night. When my doctor arrived in the morning she was very confused as to why I was there. She said "I sent you in simply for a fluid test, what the heck happened around here?" She said she was confused about what had gone down overnight. I told her the frustrating story and she was also frustrated to say the least. She asked why they didn't do the fern test, because that was the whole purpose of me being there. She quickly performed the test herself, it came back negative and she said I could go home.
She was annoyed that they once again were so focused on trying to stop contractions that aren't painful and unproductive. SHe thinks I just have an irritable uterus and that I will just continue to do this for a while. She said she is frustrated because they are only looking at the monitor and not looking at the patient or listening to anything I say. She said that I probably dilated more because they checked me so much (by day nurse, day nurse in training and night nurse twice, and so rough that I was now bleeding a little) and my cervix is already so soft that she said it would be easy to manually dilate. She didn't think it was the result of the contractions.
She said she would leave specific notes in my chart to not bother trying to stop labor as this is just a slow progression for me. She told me that I will know when it's real because they will definitely hurt. She still thinks I'm close to going into real labor, but that this was not it.
So, we came home at 9am very very tired and frustrated.
Now, we wait some more.
Oh, and the fluid is still a mystery. I refuse to believe I peed myself without knowing it. That's just too embarassing.
Other complaint- hospital beds are the most uncomfortable things in the world. When they asked me to rate my pain I wanted to tell them that the contractions were a "0" but my back and butt were about a "6" from the stupid bed and the fact that I can't really change position being hooked up to the monitors and IV fluids.
I'm going to avoid that place until I'm in some serious labor pain or I'm pretty sure my water breaks. And I really really hope my doctor is there when I deliver.

favorable

had my 36 week check up today. My fasting blood sugars have continued to be elevated, so my doc started me on some medication to help bring them down. My other blood sugars throughout the day have been well controlled with diet, but she said the fasting sugars are more of an indicator of what my body is doing on it's own since I can't control them with food. I just have too much insulin resistance.

My blood pressure was slightly elevated 144/78 but she said she wasn't too worried because only my top number was up, she assumed it was more environmental and not really hypertension and since I'm on "rest" up until my next appt anyway, she's not going to do anything different with that, I just have to let her know if I start getting crazy headaches or see stars.

The babys heart rate was really fast in the 180's when she listened to it, so we had to listen for a while to make sure it came back down. I'm pretty sure I was having a contraction when she first started to listen, so I think that's the reason, but after a couple of minutes her HR came back down to the 160's. My doc emphasized that I drink lots of water though because dehydration can cause her to have a fast HR.

My GBS (strep test) came back negative, so I won't need antibiotics during labor. For those who don't know, this is a bacteria that can sometimes normally live in the birth canal in some women and if the baby passes through it, they can get VERY critically ill. So, that's a relief.

My doc checked my cervix and still doesn't "think" I'm more dilated or effaced, but again didn't want to push the issue. But she did say that her head is EXTREMELY low, even more than last thursday and that my cervix is more anterior, which means it's moving into position for delivery which will make it easier to dilate more.

On that note, she said that because my cervix is so "favorable" we can induce at 39 weeks instead of 40 because she first of all doesn't think I'll even make it that far and second of all doesn't see any risk of increasing my chance for a c section by inducing a week early. She's so confident in my cervix that she doesn't even want me to go in for cervidil the night before. I'll just go in the morning of the induction to get pitocin. Hopefully I'll go on my own before then though.

My doc is out of town all next week, so I have to see a different doc (booo). So, according to murphys law, I'll probably go into labor next week because she won't be here :/

just be grateful

okay I had a good cry last night to just get out the emotions of the past week, which helped. I know this may be a little dramatic, but I figure I can blame it on pregnancy hormones. I'm entitled to some amount of emotional craziness, right? Plus, it's good for me to cry because once I finally cry about something, I realize how silly it is. I can look at myself and say: "what am I crying about?" My baby is healthy, the "rest" is working (less contractions) which is what we want to happen, she's in the perfect position and my body is slowly getting itself ready just like it should be. I mean, could there be a more perfect situation?
Everything is lining up correctly and I wasn't in any hurry before Tuesdays events, so why should I be now?
And I really want her in my room with me and want her to come home with me, and while that could still be possible if I had her now, it's guaranteed if she waits a little longer.
I didn't want her to come early before this week. It never even crossed my mind, but this weeks excitement and anticipation got my mind rolling in the wrong direction.
I'm grateful that my baby is healthy and she's getting those lungs mature for her big arrival.

mixed feelings

so, this ordered "rest" has really slowed my contractions. They are much less frequent and all over the place now, not regular at all.
This is good, because that is the point of me being on rest, and it's good for her to cook as long as she can to help her mature, but I have to admit that I'm also a little frustrated by this.
Before Tuesday, I had no indication tha she would come before her due date. I had just planned on being induced and that was it. But after sitting in L&D for five hours watching my contractions on the monitor, hearing that I was already dilating and feeling proud of the fact that my body was doing something right for once on it's own (even if it was a bit early) got me so excited.
When your sitting there and your labor is trucking along and your doc tells you she won't stop it, it's hard not to think the baby is coming and get kinda excited about it.
I had sort of played through the scenario in my head that she might be born and might have to go down to the nursery for a couple of nights, but that everything would be okay.
I got myself all worked up and prepared for this and was excited to se my baby.
I feel like it was dangled in front of my face and then ripped away. I know it's good for her to stay a little longer, it's just hard after being so excited to see her.
THen after losing my plug the next morning and having a couple of painful contractions, I again started to get excited. But, then things just died down and now I feel like I'm in a torturous waiting game just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for something to happen.
Part of me is convinced she will be fine and want her to come now, but another part of me knows she has a better chance the longer she stays. It's a very complicated mix of emotions. I guess I'm just being selfish, but gosh I'm just so anxious to meet her. I'm not going to do anything to intentionally bring on labor before 37 weeks because if anything happened, I would feel so guilty, but I kinda just wish it would happen on it's own and everything would be fine.

I also worry that I missed my only chance to have a successful labor on my own. What if the terbutaline totally confused my body and now I'll never go into labor again on my own? Maybe I had a good thing going there and now it's completely screwed up and I'll never get it back. Okay, I could be exaggerating a little, but I do worry about this possibility.
And normally I would love to be ordered to be on rest, but right now I feel so anxious and antsy and have so many things I want to do to help pass the time a little.
This waiting and wondering is very hard for a control freak like me

not going as planned

Yesterday morning I lost my mucous plug, (sorry for those of you who don't want that much info) was still contracting (although they were less regular, yet some more painful) and my blood sugars were crazy. My fasting blood sugar was high and my post breakfast sugar was really high although it's the same high protein, low carb breakfast I've been eating for weeks and I still had a trace amount of ketones in my urine. So, I called and left a message for my doc letting her know all of this info, but told her I really don't want to go back to the hospital just for them to give me more terbutaline if I can avoid it because that stuff made me feel like crap.
She called me back and was very UPSET that they had given me terbutaline to stop my labor. Apparently when a doctor sends you over to the hospital, they always send specific orders of why I'm coming and what they want done. THis is different than if I had just decided to go in on my own. If I had just walked in and it wasn't business hours, the on-call doc would make all decisions.
Well, my doc had written specific orders to give hydration and muscle relaxer only and do no other measures to stop labor. The day nurse gave me the muscle relaxer and my contractions just sped up ad got stronger, and in the mean time, shift change occured and I got a new night nurse, who I did not love.
She came into my room, commented on the fact that my contractions were getting closer and said she would be giving me the terbutaline. I stopped and questioned her saying "but my doctor had told me that she was not going to try to stop my labor because she doesn't do that after 35 weeks". And the bitchy nurse replied with a simple "well, we are". No explaination, no "let me check".... just an attitude of shut up and do what I say.
So, I reluctantly took the shot, although my gut was telling me not to. The nurse said that she had called the on call doc when my contractions got stronger on the monitor and this is what she wanted to do. She also said that my Doc was in the unit with another patient, but they didn't think it was necessary to bug her.
Well, my doc says they were supposed to stick to her own orders that were already written and not call the on call doc, and that they should have asked her if she was already in the unit.
So, I was supposed to continue to labor and possibly have had this baby.
Apparently terbutaline is not supposed to be given to someone with gestational diabetes because it can mess up blood sugar levels, and it did!
My doc said that the risks with terbutaline are higher than the risks of having a 35 weeker and that it would be a different story if I were 24 weeks.
So, needless to say, I'm extremely angry with that nurse for not listening to me or being thorough. That would also explain why she offered me juice and I had to tell her I couldn't have it because it would raise my sugar. If she had read my chart/orders she would have know that. Idiot.
My doc today checked me again and said that the babys head is VERY low and is bulging down, but my cervix is still posterior (facing my back) so it's very hard to check with her head being in the way. She said she would have had to push her head up out of the way to really get to my cervix fully, but she didn't want to do that because she doesn't want to stir things up and push me into further labor because although she isn't going to be aggressive at stopping labor, it's still a litttle early and she doesn't want to make me progress either. So, she is not SURE, but doesn't "think" I've changed much. She still "thinks" I'm 2.5cm and 80% effaced, but that's not a positive and accurate measurement obviously.
Doc said that she is very close and that she absolutely doesn't think I'll make it to my due date, and that I will not have any trouble delivering this baby vaginally, in fact she said that she thinks it will be quite the opposite. But, she would like to see her stay in until 37 weeks, so I have to be on "rest" until then. THis isn't bed rest, but I'm not allowed to work and she said she wants me to be a couch potato until then. I'm upset that have to use some of my paid time off, but it only comes out to 3 shifts because 37 weeks isn't even two weeks away, and the way my schedule fell, I wasn't working many days in that time frame anyway. So, it's not too bad I guess. Whatever is best for my baby. I would rather have her in my room with me when she gets here than down the hall in the NICU. My doc says it is too late for steroids, so we'd just be taking a chance on how developed her lungs would be. It's a coin toss at this point. Some 35 weekers are fine, some are not.
Today, now that the terbutaline is totally out of my system, my contractions have come back more regular about 8 minutes apart, but still don't hurt, just slightly annoying.
After 37 weeks, I can go back to work until my due date, but my doc doesn't think I'll be going back to work for long, if at all.

early labor

Yesterday I was concerned that the baby had not been moving as much as before, and I also had a moderate amount of ketons in my urine which means I'm not geting enough carbs to eat, so my body is eating itself. So, I thought I would call my doctor just to get reassurance that everything is okay. She's a pretty laid back kind of person and never thinks anything I call about is a big deal. So, I was thinking she would just call me to tell me that as my baby gets bigger, she will not move as much. Well, instead she said she wanted me to come in to the office right away for a non-stress test, which is pretty much just a contraction and fetal heart rate monitor that looks for rises in her heart rate over a certain amount of time.

So, I left work and the test showed that she was just fine, but also that I was apparently in labor. The nurses kept looking at the monitor strip and asking if I could feel the contractions. I didn't know what they were talking about, I didn't even know I was having contractions. I just thought they were braxton hicks and have been having them for a while. They showed my strip to the doctor and came back and said, "you're in labor". They even asked if the contractions were "bearable" enough fo them to send me home. They told me to rest, drink water and monitor how far apart they are and then call back in a few hours.

So, I monitored these "contractions" and they were every 7-8 minutes, so I called to let the doc know and she decided to send me in to labor and delivery to be monitored.

I was surprised and felt kinda dumb walking in there with absolutely no pain. The nurse checked my cervix and I was 2.5cm dilated and 80% effaced, so they hooked me up to the monitor to watch the contractions and then check my cervix again to see if it changes. The contractions were every 6-8 minutes apart for an hour, so the nurse checked my cervix and there was no change, so the doc ordered a muscle relaxer that she said would calm my uterus down if it wasn't real labor, but would do nothing if it was.

The medicine made me loose and sleepy, but my contractions got stronger and closer together every 3-4 minutes. Still no cervical change though.

Nurse calls doc and doc decides to try a mild measure to stop the labor because 35 weeks is a bit premature. She said it's not early enough to pull out the big guns like magnesium, but that they would try up to 3 doses of terbutaline to stop the labor, but if it doesn't work then they would just let me continue to labor.

She gave me one shot of the medicine and my contractions completely stopped, but it also came with harsh side effects of a pounding, racing heart and feeling really jittery. It ws aweful. After about 30 minutes or so, the side effects started to die down and I started to have contractions again, so she came in and gave me the second dose. This time contractions went away for an hour and then they came back, but I only had them every 15-20 minutes, so she said I didn't need the 3rd dose (THANK GOD) and they decided to send me home at 1030.

She said that I would more than likely have this baby a little earlier than expected.

So, I came home and crashed after all that crazy medicine and woke up about 5 this morning with the same contractions, but sometimes a little bit painful. They are sporatic anywhere from 3-15 minutes apart, so I'm not sure what to think about that. The doc didn't put me on any restrictions, so I guess I'll go about my day as usual. I have a regular appt tomorrow, so I'll see what she says about that, but I really don't want to go on bedrest because I don't want to use any of my paid time of just sitting at home without a baby.

Heavenly nursery

unfortunately I can't put full views of the nursery on here, because her name is hung above her crib on the wall, and I don't want to post her name on a public site. But these give you the idea of the theme. A lot of satin and sparkle. Very celestial and soft. The curtain, bed skirt and crib blanket were made by my mom and the bumper is a "breathable bumper" so she won't suffocate. The colors on the mobile don't really match, but it was the only moon and star one I could find that was even sort of close. It matches better in real life. The changing pad cover also has moons and stars on it.

the belly

Here are a few pics Hubs took of my me and my belly while lounging on the couch watching tv

BIG BABY!

we had our 34 week sonogram on Tuesday to see how big the baby is and see her position and where her weight is distributed. As soon as the sonographer put the wand on my belly she said "wow, this baby is scrunched up tight in there", which I kinda knew because she doesn't ever change position and her movements are really just stretches at this point. We got to double check that she is in fact a girl. The tech guaranteed us and told us she'd come redo the nursery for us if she was wrong. We then got to see that she has some hair on her head, see that she is head down and watch her suck on her wrist. She's so smashed up in there that her feet are tucked and squished up underneath her butt. The fluid level is good and all anatomy still looks normal and healthy and after taking measurements she is estimated to weight 5lb 8oz right now. THIS IS BIG. My nephew was estimated at 5lb 5oz at 35 weeks and came out 8lb 12 oz at 39 weeks.

My doctor came in and said that yes, this is a big baby, but nothing to panic about. She said my blood sugars have been perfect and the babys torso is not measuring large, which is what they would look for in a diabetic baby. She said that she's not large because of the gestational diabetes or because of anything I'm doing, she's just genetically on the big side and would be no matter what. She said the largest part of her is her head which is good/normal because the head is made to mold and shape through the birth canal, but the torso is not, so when they run into trouble, it's because the head comes out, but then the torso gets stuck and that puts the baby in distress and causes an emergency situation. Whereas, if the head is the biggest part, we would know if it wasn't going to fit long before it was a crisis. She just wouldn't come out at all.

So, with this information my doc decided not to induce me early, but to induce me on my actual due date. She said that inducing early in a first time mom greatly increases the chance of needing a c section because my body is less likely to respond to the induction, which would require more pitocin which can cause distress to my uterus and the baby and I may not dilate. But, she said the further along I am, the better an induction will act like a "trigger" for labor and not "forcing" labor that wasn't ready.

So, it looks like I may be having a 9lb baby on my due date. But, I'm hoping I'll go in to labor on my own before that :)

taking it easy vs being productive

I have a long list of things I want to get done before this baby gets here. Some of them are things I can do like touch up the trim paint around the house, organize the massive pile of cords under the computer desk, clean out the fridge etc... but most of the "to do's" are things that I really need the husband for because I am pretty much useless these days. We need to replace some bricks on the house, I want to build a stone fire-pit in the backyard, put mulch around the flowers, clean out the garage etc... but the problem is, he only has so much time in a day. The poor guy works all week and only gets the weekends off. This seems normal to most people I guess, but for a gal who gets 4-5 days off each week, it seems like a lot to me. So, I feel guilty asking him to do any of these projects, but I really shouldn't be doing them either. My pelvis and back already kill me, my feet are swollen, I wake up every 1-2 hours a night to either pee or vomit in my mouth from reflux and I can't find a comfortable position anyway, so I'm pretty exhausted all the time. I get short of breath just standing up. I've changed my schedule at work so I never work two days in a row (what a relief!) Plus I'm starving all the time because of this stupid diabetic diet, which doesn't help my energy level.

Plus, husband has taken on tasks I would normally do like carry laundry up and down the stairs, so he has more on his plate just helping me out with daily things, and he doesn't get a lot of time to just chill or have fun.

So, I guess what I've come to realize is that it's okay if everything doesn't get done before she arrives in 6-7 weeks. Time is running out and energy levels are running low. Her room is done, and we've got pretty much everything she needs, so if the trim in the house is a little chipped, I guess it's not a big deal. I don't want us to be exhausted and stressed these last few weeks because I know we'll have plenty of that after she's here.

On that note, I think I'll go lay down now.

a couple of perks

saw my doc yesterday for my 32 week appointment and found out I get a couple of perks for being diabetic, which is nice because there aren't too many good things I can say about having gest diabetes. I get to have one more ultrasound at 34 weeks to measure her size and weight distribution to make sure she's not getting too big. This is exciting because it is always nice to get to see her. The only down side is that I'm still paying on my deductible, so basically the whole thing is out of pocket. The other perk is that she will no longer let me go overdue. I have to have this baby by my due date, and if I don't go into labor on my own, then she will schedule an induction sometime in the week leading up to my due date. Some people don't really like the idea of being induced, but I find it rather appealing. You get to plan and prepare for the whole day. You know you're bag is packed, legs are shaved, toenails painted, house is clean, dog sitter is scheduled, family is in town etc... I mean for someone who likes to plan, organize and have control over every aspect of life, this is a pretty good setup!

The pitocin doesn't really alarm me because I know for sure that I want an epidural as soon as I can possibly have it anyway, so bring on the contractions (after I'm numb of course).

My doc did say that inducing with the first baby isn't ideal because my cervix may not dilate as well as if I went into labor on my own, which could increase my chance of needing a c section in the end. But, the alternative is to wait, let me go overdue and have a big baby and possibly run into birth trauma and need an emergent c section anyway. So, of the two, I'd rather take the risk of c section due to inability to dilate over the risk of c section due to baby getting stuck. No brain damage, thank you.

I'm measuring one week ahead of schedule, but my doc says that's not really anything to worry about since due dates are set with the idea of "give or take a week". And she said my sugars look really good and I'm keeping it under good control with diet and I've only gained 6lbs the whole pregnancy, so she doesn't think it's going to be a problem, but still doesn't want me going overdue just in case. And I'm a "play it safe" kind of person as well, so I'm in agreement with her 100%. I see too many birth trauma/ brain damaged babies to take that risk.

baby shower

I had my first baby shower (the big one) on Saturday and it was so amazing. I never knew if I would ever get to experience all the fun and excitement of welcoming my own baby into the world. Never knew if I would be able to decorate a nursery or open gifts at my own shower. I felt so blessed and blissfully happy. It was so great to feel the love from family and friends and get through one more exciting step before this baby girl gets here. The cake, decorations and games were all so perfect. It was truly a great day, and just happened to be on our 6 year wedding anniversary. It was the best way I could ever think to celebrate!

Gestational diabetes

this is a few weeks overdue, but I tend to get behind on postings. I was obviously diagnosed with Gestational diabetes. BOOOOOO! Let me just say first of all that the hideous lemon flavored corn syrup drink they made me drink in the three hour test with no ice was pure torture. I almost threw up about four times and had tears rolling down my face from gagging. The one hour orange drink wasn't as bad because it's half the sugar, and I got to drink it ice cold through a straw, but no not this one, it was warm right out of the bottle. Then I felt like I was going to die. My blood sugar must have climbed so high, because I have never felt so sick in my life. I never want to have to do that test again.

So, now I'm on the diabetic diet and am not allowed to have any joy when it comes to food. As if we don't sacrifice enough in pregnancy- I gave up all caffeine and artificial sweetener as well as cold deli meat, and now I can hardly have carbs. I'm allowed the equivalent of two slices of wheat bread per meal (about 45gm) and 15gm of carbs per snack. I have to eat lots of protein and I'm about sick of cheese, eggs, nuts and PB. They want me to stay on a strict eating schedule of meals and snacks alternating every two hours, as well as checking my blood sugar (which is impossible to stick to at work). I have to say, this SUCKS! I'm sick of constantly worrying about food all the time. It's so annoying. And I would love more than anything to have a giant ice cream sundae. And I only got to have a little piece of my baby shower cake and let other people take the leftovers.

But, with all that complaining aside, I will do anything for my sweet baby girl. Anything to keep her healthy. If I was just doing this for my own health, I would be a complete failure, but I can do it to protect her. I guess on the bright side, I've only gained 6lbs the whole pregnancy and probably won't gain more than a total of 15 on this stupid diet. But, I'll probably pack it on when she gets here because I'll eat every carb in sight. Hopefully the breastfeeding will take over burning the extra calories :).

I'm just ready for it to be late july so this placenta can come out and quit sending out hormones that bind with my precious insulin receptors.

Oh how I would love a bagel and cream cheese.

it's been fun, but..

I'm about done with this pregnancy business. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I've been able to experience this and I'm so grateful to get to be pregnant and have my own baby. And there are aspects that I still really enjoy like having a belly that I don't have to suck in, hide or feel self conscious about and that there are actually clothes made just for the purpose of a big belly, which for me fit better than regular clothes because I've always had a bigger belly than I do butt or thighs. That I will miss, along with the fun feeling her kick n stuff, but I'm kinda getting to the point where I'm over it. I am uncomfortable all the time. My ligaments and lower abdominal/groin muscles hurt so much that walking seems like an enormous task and my belly frequently just feels so full and tight, almost like I have trapped gas that can't leave. Bending over to get anything off the floor takes some motivation. If it's not absolutely necessary to pick up, I usually just leave it there. I have a lot of bladder pressure. I feel like I have to go pee all the time, but when I go, there's not a whole lot in there despite the feeling that my bladder was about to explode. My lower back and tail bone ache frequently and I waddle around slowly in stores, which now makes me the person I used to get so annoyed with when I used to zip around all the slow pokes in stores because I wanted to move quickly. I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach acid shooting up my nose. And the most recent complaint I have is not being able to SLEEP ON MY BACK!! This sucks. I am a back sleeper. I always sleep flat on my back sprawled out with what we call my chicken wings and frog legs... elbows out with hands in my armpits and knees bent outward with feet meeting in the middle. And I am so particular about this position that if I don't get to have enough space for one of my chicken wings or frog legs, it's over... I'm not going to sleep well. So, now I'm not allowed to sleep on my back, I have to rotate from side to side until my shoulders are completely crushed and my neck is totally kinked. The lack of decent sleep is starting to get to me, but I guess maybe it's just preparation for having a new baby in the house.

The other thing is the constant worry. I thought I would feel better after I heard the heartbeat, then after the first trimester, then after the sonogram, then after reaching viability, but I've learned that I will not feel better until she is here and I can see that she really is a normal, healthy baby. There are so many things that can't be detected in sonograms that she could still have wrong with her, and still so many things that can go wrong like randomly dying in utero because the cord is around her neck or other unknown reasons.

I'm just ready to not be uncomfortable and worried anymore. I know I will worry when she's here, but I feel like it will be a controlled worry. A worry I can relieve by seeing her and checking on her and being able to see things for myself and take action if necessary. Right now, I just sit and wonder if everything is still okay in there.

A lot of people tell me I should enjoy it while it lasts because I will miss it, but I honestly don't think I will. I'm not a very nostalgic person anyway, and I think the relief will overshadow any feelings of nostalgia. I will be able to look back and be grateful for the chance to experience it, but I won't "miss" it in the same way people miss a vacation and wish they could go back. I rarely want to "go back" because I'm able to appreciate the current moment so much. I will of course be pregnant again in a few years because I want two children, but I will definitely enjoy the time off. I'm not one of those women who loves pregnancy so much that I could just do it forever (except for the fact that she burns all my calories for me, THIS is something I wouldn't mind having forever). Again, I'm super grateful to be pregnant and would be very sad if I never got to do it. I've just reached a point where I'm ready to actually have the baby instead of the pregnancy, but not at this gestation of course, I just wish July would hurry up and get here.

hiccups!

Last night at about 4am, I was feeling the baby move on my left side, but it was different than usual. Not the spastic jerky random movements she usually does. This was a rhythmic tapping in the same spot over and over again. I figured she must have had the hiccups! Which makes me very happy because not only is it super cute and fun to feel, but it means she is doing her practice breathing and getting her lungs ready for this world. I love her.

just a calm baby?

I've been getting the feeling that my baby moves less than normal. Talking to other people who are either pregnant or have been before, they say their babies moved/ move very frequently and say that they are big drastic movements like flips and twirls and big kicks. Others say they wake them up at night being a spaz kicking them like crazy.

I'm worried because I don't have this very often at all. I do feel her every day and never go more than about 4-6 hours between movements I think. But, most of the time they are small little flutters or just a stretch or a little kick now and then. Each spurt of movement usually doesn't last very long.. she'll move a couple of times and then go back to sleep and I'll feel nothing for a few more hours. Only a couple of times has she moved so much that daddy could feel it on the outside and you could actually see my belly moving. About once a week she'll have a day where she is a big mover, but other than that it's pretty laid back in there. She doesn't respond to eating or drinking sweet things and doesn't react to me poking or shaking my belly. I worry she is not normal or that something is wrong with her that she can't move her muscles well, or I worry that she is compressing her umbilical cord, but when I check her HB with the doppler she is just fine.

I did hear that girls move less than boys and that one girl I know had a baby who didn't move much in utero as well and she was so worried at one point that she made a special trip to her doctor to check things out, and she was born three months ago and she says her baby is a really calm laid back baby who slept through the night almost right away. So, I'm hoping maybe my little one is just a calm baby with a laid back personality who doesn't get too excited about much. I keep telling myself this will be a good thing and not to worry, but I really can't help but worry all the time.

I haven't called my doctor about it yet because she DOES move, it's just not as much or as drastic as I would like it to be, and I know my doctor is just going to tell me not to worry. She already thinks I'm a total freak. I'll probably just bring it up at my next appointment if I can wait that long. Move baby move!

BURN

I have never had heartburn before in my life, or should I say HAD never had it (lucky I know). I had no idea what all the fuss was about or what this felt like.....until this last Friday night. We had eaten mexican for both lunch and dinner, which normally would not be a problem for me, but I think now that my stomach is about two inches away from the back of my tongue, the stomach acid can't keep itself in its intended location.

I went to bed feeling a little bit of a cool burn in my lower throat/ chest but didn't think it was too bad. Almost felt as if I had just swallowed something very minty like toothpaste. I thought to myself "if this is heartburn, I don't see what the big deal is, it's totally tolerable". So, I went to bed as usual.

It got worse. It stopped being a "cool" burn and now was just a bit of a burn. Woke me up here and there, I usually just needed to change position to make it go away enough to go back to sleep. AND THEN... 2:30am I am awoke out of a dead sleep to pure stomach acid shooting up my throat and out my right nostril. I sat straight up, coughing and hacking and trying to suck down water. This was true acid reflux... Puke in my nose. It burned so bad and then I couldn't get the smell or the burn to go away. I then had to try and sleep the rest of the night at an incline, which I hate, I prefer to sleep with one small pillow. So, I didn't really get much sleep after that and then had to get up and go to work at 5:30.

I've decide that's the last time I want that experience, so I bought pepcid AC and took some last night and had no more heartburn. Hopefully this will do the trick and be another pregnancy best friend, right up there with my support belt.