Two week wait

It's a miracle! After taking the femara, I ovulated yesterday. Cycle day 16!!! I have never ever ovulated before day 30 even with fertility meds. It was pretty weird/cool what happened. I didn't really have my usual obvious signs that ovulation was coming. I had started to possibly suspect that it may be but it wasn't obvious and I wasn't 100% sure. I usually have like 4-5 days warning, so on Tuesday and Wednesday I started to think that it MAY happen by Sunday at the earliest, but still wasn't positive. Well yesterday at work I started getting some mild pulling cramps from the left side like I usually do during ovulation. I thought there was no way it could be so soon and without the usual signs so I said a silent little prayer to God "if I am ovulating, please make it apparent to me without question" and about 10 seconds later BOOM I started getting horrible ovulation cramps that continued for hours. Thanks to God, I was SURE!

This is the second ovulation since Brynn that has been different and a bit of a surprise. I'm not sure what changed or why it is different. Last month I thought it must've been a sudden release and wasn't a "good" ovulation, but it's weird that it would happen again WITH femara which is supposed to make stronger ovulations. But I'll take it.

This is amazing. I have so much hope that I will be pregnant again. So, now starts the two week wait before I can test to know if I'm pregnant. I can't believe I'm here again. Dear God, please let it happen!!! Everyone who reads this, please say a prayer for us.

January 9 is the earliest possible test day. Let the long countdown begin....

memorial

At the time Brynn was born, I struggled with what I should do for a memorial of her. Our pastor offered to have a formal service at the church for her or to have a small memorial at our home with just family. The decision to cremate her was easy because that's what we want for ourselves as well. That was a great decision because I hate the thought of burial. Just putting my baby's remains in the ground with the bugs somewhere where I have to go to visit her just seems so cold. I love that I have her remains here at home with the rest of the family in a cute pink baby bootie. But I've often struggled with wondering if I made the right decision not to have a memorial service. I felt that the only people I would want at the "service" would be my close family and we were really already grieving her loss together on a daily basis, so a service just seemed like an unnecessary formality that would be a lot of effort. Because she was so young and no one really "knew" her, I felt there wouldn't be anything to say like you would at a memorial service of someone who had lived on this earth. She only lived inside of me.

I had also thought that people might think it was weird to have a service for what some people viewed as a "miscarriage" (I hate that word).

But I have since worried that I didn't "honor" her properly by not having a service. I kinda feel like I should have or it's what I was supposed to do. I don't know what is right in this situation.

But despite not having a memorial service just for her, I feel I got closure through other services. The first sunday after her birth was all saints day and was about remembering the people we lost this year and we put her hospital bassinet card on the alter to remember her. It was very hard and sad but also very special.

Then Shawnee Mission had a christmas memorial service for anyone who had lost a baby at the hospital and it was very special and I really think of it as her memorial service in my mind. They read her name aloud and we lit a candle in her honor. I loved it.

When I was in labor I knew right away that I should take pictures to remember her, but since she was too young, the nurses told us NILMDTS wouldn't do pictures. Looking back, I don't think the nurse even bothered to try to call them for me. It was late at night and she just assumed they wouldn't, so she didn't even try. I accepted this and just took snapshots of her with our phones. I was not in a state of mind to think of cute ways to pose her or be creative with my photography so her pictures look like nothing more than a specimen laying on a blanket. I saw the Duggars beautiful NILMDTS pictures and I'm so jealous. I wish that I had thought to keep her in my room until the next day and then insist to the day nurse to at least try to get the photographers to come. And if they wouldn't, I wish I would've thought to keep her to at least take daylight pictures of her, maybe wrap her in a pretty blanket, put flowers around her or a tiny hat on her head or pose her in nice ways or do ANYTHING cute. I just wasn't thinking. I was a wreck.

Erik is working on tweaking some of the pictures in photoshop for me so I have something decent to look at/display.

I also have a ring of her birthstone I wear, a memory box and christmas ornaments for her. So, I've pretty much done everything you would do in a memorial service anyway, I've just done it without an audience and while I don't know if I did everything the "right way", I do feel that I have loved her, grieved her, mourned her loss, talked about her and honored her memory as much as I possibly can. She is one of my children, my second daughter and a part of our family.

clarification

After getting the horrible hate email, I recently talked with another person I know who has a child with a disability and told me that when she first read my blog where I said I had prayed to God that "I wanted a normal healthy child and that if that wasn't possible, I'd rather not have one at all" that she was offended. She said her first reaction was "so my child's not good enough for you?". Of course, she told me this in a much nicer, more appropriate way than psycho email person, but after offending at least two people that I'm aware of with this comment, I want to clarify exactly what I mean by this and how I feel about it.

I have one healthy child who is a gift and not only is she a gift, she needs me. She needs my attention and my time and my love. Right now I am able to give her that.

I had wanted and still want a second child. I am so grateful for Corynn that I almost feel guilty for wanting more.

I realize the possibility that I may not have another and while it is not my preference, I am ok with that.

Having a kid with severe delays/ impairments would take my time and attention from Corynn and I wouldn't be able to show her how much I appreciate the gift that she is like I do now.

When I was trying to conceive Brynn, I would pray to get pregnant with a second baby, but would clarify all of this to God... that if my only chance of having another baby meant that the child would be severely "messed up" then I would be ok with just having Corynn and would just rather not get pregnant a second time at all.

Now, let me clarify what I was thinking in my head when I would say this prayer. I was picturing a chromosomal abnormality or severe brain abnormality or damage that would leave the child unable to swallow their own secretions, communicate, move around, learn to eat or drink or talk or use the bathroom. I was never meaning I didn't want a child that wasn't PERFECT. What I didn't want was a child that by most neurologists perspectives "isn't home".

And another point I would like to make is that if I had found out in my pregnancy or sometime after birth that something was wrong with my child, I would still want her!!!!!!

Once I conceive and have the child, I become incredibly attached and I love it unconditionally. But before there is ever an existing baby, if I am presented with the option of getting pregnant with a lifelong fully dependent neurologically devastated child or not getting pregnant at all, I'm going to pick not getting pregnant at all.

Christmas Eve

I woke up this morning and felt sick to my stomach. Not like I was physically going to be sick, but rather the slight nausea I get when I'm nervous or upset. Christmas Eve is pretty much christmas in our house. We will do most of the celebrating today. Up to this point, I hadn't thought today would bother me, but now that it's here, it does. I cried last night and this morning when I woke up. It is Christmas but I am not 24 weeks pregnant. Brynn is not with me. She will never experience Christmas with her family. This day is a celebration of a very important birth. A giant birthday party for Jesus. Brynn's birth was not a celebration. She will never have a birthday party. I will not get my baby in April. Today everyone will be joyous and smiling and no one will give Brynn a thought. It feels very lonely because it will be all I think about. Merry Christmas Brynn, I love and miss you so very much.

Christmas hope

My doctor had wanted me to wait three months before getting pregnant again. She said that if it happened on it's own after one month, that was ok but that she would prefer I wait three before I intervened with provera to force a period. She told me it would probably take that long anyway for my body to wake up and try to ovulate, have a period etc.... Which I figured she was probably right since my ovaries can never function normally anyway, I'm sure they were really confused now!

The last day I had true bleeding from Brynn was Saturday Nov 26 and the last day I had a little bit of spotting was Monday Nov 28. On Nov 30 I had really bad pulling cramps for a couple hours in the evening. I had no idea what it was and was a little worried about it. I was sure I was going to start bleeding again and was really annoyed at this thought. But eventually the cramps went away and I never did bleed. I brushed it off and moved on.

Then this past Wednesday morning Dec 14 I started bleeding after over two weeks of no bleeding, but it was clear to me that it was a new period, not old miscarriage bleeding. A period? I would have to ovulate first to have a period and I didn't know I had ovulated. How did I miss that? I can always tell when I ovulate. Always. I can tell four days before it happens based on fluid changes and I've used this for birth control, fertility and to predict when I will have a period since my cycles are so irregular. I have never been wrong.

I looked back at my calendar and exactly two weeks ago Wednesday was when I had the bad cramps and it occurred to me that those were ovulation cramps! I do always get a strong pulling aching feeling for about two hours at the exact time that I ovulate. My ovulation cramps are stronger than any menstrual cramps I've ever had.

But I didn't realize that's what it was because it didn't seem possible to me to ovulate so soon on my own after I had JUST finished bleeding. It never crossed my mind as a possibility at the time.

At first I was like "dang, I missed an ovulation opportunity", but I think it's a good thing. I'm kinda glad I didn't know about it because I don't think it would've been a good one and I would've been disappointed if it didn't result in pregnancy or I think it may have ended in an early miscarriage. I say this because it was so soon after bleeding that I worry I wouldn't have had much endometrium built up to support the baby and I don't think it would've been a mature egg because I didn't have the usual early signs of ovulation, so I think it was a sudden egg release.

Normally our bodies have very low estrogen at the beginning of a cycle and it slowly rises over 14 days and as it starts to get high enough, fluid changes take place for fertility and FSH hormone is released to mature an egg and get it ready to release. Once the estrogen peaks, LH is released and tells the egg to GO.

Because of the lack of "signs" I had and how quick it happened, I would guess that I had a rapid and sudden rise in estrogen that released LH without having the chance for FSH to ready the egg. I think it would've been a dud.

BUT this is a wonderful thing because it means my body is getting back in gear and means that I can start the process of hoping and trying for another baby! A month earlier than planned! Thank you GOD!

My original plan was to start provera January 11 to force a period January 18 to start Femara January 20 in order to possibly ovulate around January 31. Exactly three months after Brynn's birth.

But no need for Provera because I was blessed with having a period on my own!! Which means I started taking Femara TODAY!!! It is prescribed to take days 3-7 of a cycle during your period. It is amazing timing because I had just refilled my old prescription for Femara on Sunday Dec 11 even though it was a month before I needed it. But for some reason I just wanted to have it ready to go. I also had just gotten my new prescription for metformin on Tuesday and started taking it that night. And then I woke up to a bright red christmas gift on wednesday morning :-)

I have never been so happy to have a period. It feels like a fresh start. A glimmer of hope.

Anger

I have been feeling like I'm in the anger stage of grieving. I think the anger stage exists simply because after the denial and depression and extreme sadness, everyone expects you to be over it and it is no longer socially acceptable to cry about it. So even though I have moments where I feel like I'm so sad I can't function, I have to keep it in, go to work and tell everyone "I'm fine". Eventually all the sadness I've been holding in comes bursting out in the form of anger. I recognized this starting two weeks ago when I was getting mad at Erik for the dumbest things and was highly irritable. I had a complete crying meltdown because one of the personalized stockings I was makings for all my family members had gotten messed up and we would need to go buy another and start over. Normally not a big deal, but I just lost it. Then the next day I got angry with Erik bcause I didn't like the dessert he had picked and brought home from the store. It was craziness. And I've been feeling a certain level of hate toward anyone I'm not close to, especially if they're pregnant. I have struggled with the pregnancy thing and feeling like a really bad person for it. After the Duggars lost their baby, I felt really bad and decided that day that I was going to be nothing but happy for anyone who is pregnant because you never know what can happen and I don't want to feel like I had wished it on them. I decided that I needed to celebrate every baby even if I had lost mine. Yes. That's what I was going to do!

But my deep feelings of anger and jealousy and wanting to avoid all pregnant people didn't go away. I still had them, I was just trying to pretend they weren't there. I had my post partum glucose test on tuesday at my OB and I knew it would be tough but it was so much harder than I thought. I had to sit in the waiting room for two hours while numerous women came in and out. Here's what I saw and heard:

Baby bumps of various sizes

A pregnant teenager

Couples carrying ultrasound pictures

"congratulations"

Moms with six week old infants coming for their post partum check (heir Halloween baby is alive)

"congratulations"

You need to schedule your next appt in four weeks?

How many weeks are you? "23"

"congratulations"

"I see a perinatologist "

"I had some contractions on Sunday"

"congratulations"

I had to run to the bathroom so I could sob and sob and sob. Then when I had my final blood draw, the lab tech seemed confused about what I was there for since I had just not long ago had my other glucose test and she asked "so are you pregnant?" I got to my car and cried for about 15 minutes. It was pure torture. I will seemingly be doing fine on a given day but if I have to have much interaction with pregnant people it triggers a really bad day.

A coworker is having a baby shower in a couple weeks. I contemplated whether I should go. I decided that I will only because it took her years to get Pregnant so I know she understands the longing for a baby. I am happy for her and want her to have this baby that she deserves. And I want to show her this.

It is the people who can't relate at all to how I'm feeling that I get angry with. The ones who get pregnant on accident or with ease. Who have never lost a baby. Who see it has something that happened to me but think it can't happen to them. I feel they are so far removed from my emotions that I can't stand to be around them. This does NOT include my close friends who are pregnant because although it does hurt just a little to be around them, I in no way feel anger toward them because they are loving and supportive and I can just tell how genuine they are.

I was feeling guilty for having so much anger and hate toward everyone, but then I went to a church service for people who have lost someone this year and the entire message from the pastor was that it's ok to be angry (really angry) and that we have to let ourselves feel that and not feel guilty about it. His son died 20 years ago and he was already a minister at that time and he said he felt incredible anger and hate toward everyone for a long time. He told a story of himself walking down the center isle at church just six weeks after his son had died and a member of the congregation approached him with a giant smile and upbeat attitude and said "how ya doin pastor?" And he said he was so mad at him and wanted to slap that smile right off his face and say "I'm doing about as good as you would be if your son died six weeks ago."

Hearing this story made me feel so much better about my hateful thoughts and honestly just having the permission to be angry and the acknowledgement that it's there actually makes me less angry.

I have been avoiding a coworker who was due about the exact same time as me. We were not really close before this happened, so it wasn't really a big deal if I didn't talk to her. Her pregnancy is running along smoothly and her belly is big.

She approached me in the hall with a huge smile and upbeat attitude and said "hey Tiffany, how's it going?!" I wanted to puke. On her. Really? You're going to ask me that right now? Why do you look so freaking happy? I say "fine". She see's Brynn's birthstone ring I have hanging around my neck and asks what it is. I tell her it's Brynn's October birthstone. I hoped the conversation would get more serious at this point now that I've brought up Brynn. I thought she might drop the smile and say something like "I'm sorry, how are you doing with that?"or "I've been thinking about you" or anything along those lines. But no, all she did was continue to smile and say "oh that's really a beautiful ring". I wanted to say, Oh gee thanks, it's supposed to be an April birthstone like your baby is going to be, but mine died, so this isn't a happy birthstone ring. It's a freaking sad one. She is a very nice person, so I felt guilty being mad at her, but I honestly thought she was being so annoying and rude at that moment and makes me want to avoid her even more.

I appreciate it when people ask how I am, say a simple I'm sorry or been thinking about you or a pat on the shoulder or a hug or just ask what happened. Ask for details. I like to talk about it. But if it's the first time I've seen you since it happened and you just ignore it, don't bring it up or acknowledge it, that REALLY makes me mad/sad.

I worked on thanksgiving and it was really hard. At the end of the day I was sitting and talking with my work bestie "J" who is pregnant (but very supportive) and another coworker comes up, interrupts us, grabs her belly and says "oh you look so cute, I hope that baby is as pretty as you" and then walks away. She never looked at me, acknowledged me, asked how I was doing... nothing. I thought it was THE rudest thing anyone could do.

The Duggars

I learned today that the famous Duggars lost their baby. They, just like us, were going in for the gender US and discovered there was no heartbeat. Their baby had died at 16 weeks. She was due in April just like me and I know EXACTLY how she's feeling. I have so many emotions about this story. First I feel guilty for ever being annoyed/jealous and resentful of her and her pregnancy. She came out and announced they were expecting their 20th child in April one week after I had just lost Brynn.

When I first heard about this I cried and felt sad because I had felt so hateful about their pregnancy. I am sad for her because I know her pain and no one should ever have to feel this.

But then I felt a bit of comfort in the fact that I was not the only one this happened to. That somebody could understand and suddenly everyone on the radio was talking about what a tragedy it is and talking about how miscarriage is often an overlooked and minimized loss and talking about what people should and shouldn't say to someone who has just lost a baby and talking about good books to read on this topic and KLOVE posted a link to a resource for how to deal with miscarriage. Suddenly my sadness, was everyones sadness. Suddenly I wasn't alone and it seemed as though people recognized my grief because someone famous was suffering the EXACT same thing. Her story is amazingly similar to mine. Almost eerily similar.

I also started to worry because I had previously been feeling like maybe I had lost Brynn because my faith wasn't strong enough. I hadn't been turning to God enough or thanking him or trusting in him. I was hoping that if I had a stronger faith and just prayed and prayed, he would give me a baby again. After I had gotten angry about the Duggar pregnancy, I actually remember thinking that they must be so blessed because of their faith and that if I were just more like them, God wouldn't punish me like this. So now that I see that they are having to deal with the same pain as me, I worry that it doesn't matter how good I am or how much I pray, it doesn't necessarily mean God will give me another baby. They are near perfect and it happened to them.

Then again maybe it's just a message from God saying "bad things just happen. To everyone. Not just you." Which is satisfying in a way. Like, if this could happen to them, maybe it didn't happen to me as "punishment". Maybe I didn't do anything wrong to deserve it. It just did and can and does.

The hardest thing

I wish I didn't know so many pregnant people. I hate that I hate it. Nothing makes me more sad than seeing a million happy baby bumps

"never the same, and that's not bad.."

A friend who has experienced a second trimester miscarriage in the past has given me some very wise words over the past few weeks and the title of this blog is one of them. She said I will eventually be "ok" but never the same, but that is not a bad thing. I hate that this is what had to happen, but know that it has changed me in some ways for worse (anxiety, pessimism, jealousy and resentment) and in many ways for the better.

It has made me a better mother with Corynn and any future child I may have. I just look at her everyday and FEEL how lucky I am to have her and want to spend as much time with her as I can and kiss her face 53 times a day.

I always KNEW how lucky I was to have her, but never FELT it like I do now.

I don't think I appreciated Brynns pregnancy like I should have. With Corynn I had worried that I would never get to experience pregnancy at all. I didn't know if it would happen for me, so when it did, I was ecstatic and grateful and cherished every second of it.

With Brynn, it took us almost as long to get pregnant, but the feeling was different. I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant, I was just annoyed it was taking so much time and effort. I knew I COULD get pregnant and carry a baby, it was just a matter of wondering when it would happen.

So when I did get pregnant with Brynn, I was more just happy and relieved that the trying and the waiting was over. We could go on having our second child and be done with the whole fertility thing forever. Don't get me wrong, I was very very happy to be pregnant, but it was not the same level of appreciation that I had with Corynn. It didn't have quite the same depth of appreciation.

With Corynn, she couldn't get here fast enough, but with Brynn I remember thinking and saying that I didn't mind if the pregnancy took forever because I needed as much time as possible to let Corynn grow up a little more, become more independent, talk better etc.. so that I would be able to handle the baby. I worried about logistical things like should I get another crib? Should we see if we can potty train Corynn first? How can we get her off the binki if she's gonna see the baby with one? HOW am I going to handle nap time? Or meal time with Corynn throwing food and the baby needing to nurse? Thoughts crossed my mind that maybe I had made a crazy decision to have two kids. I thought I might not be able to handle it and even thought that if something happened to the baby then that might not be so bad because I was starting to worry that I wasn't cut out for two kids and Corynn might be better as an only child because some days I could hardly handle her.

But I never thought that those thoughts would come true. They did. And it opened my eyes. I see pregnancy and babies so differently now.

I can really truly FEEL what a gift they are. Not just KNOW it, but FEEL it from the depths of my heart. I will appreciate every second of pregnancy now like I did with Corynn, in fact, even more than that I think. I had started to take it for granted but now I will never ever take it for granted. I just see how much little stuff doesn't matter anymore. The messy house, getting Corynn to stop taking a binki, getting her to fall asleep without me in the room... none of it matters. I just feel so much more laid back about that stuff. I just see that it will eventually work itself out and there's no need to stress about it because all that really matters is that I have her, she is healthy and I'm going to spend precious time with her.

And when I have another baby, all the getting up at night, the breastfeeding struggles, the fussy evenings... none of it will matter. Yes I will be tired and desperately want a nap and probably be grumpy, but it's ok. It will work out. It will pass. I will just feel so lucky to have a baby that is alive, that no matter how much I will feel like a zombie, I will just be so in love and feel so appreciative to have that baby.

I don't think a person can appreciate their babies to the FULLEST extent unless they struggled to get them and/or lost a baby. It is such a strong feeling of thankfulness that opens your eyes. I thought I knew how precious they were before all of this, but really, I had NO idea.

moving on

one thing that has been hard is that people do move on. In the beginning, we got hugs and calls and letters and cards and flowers and meals and people would tell me how sorry they were and call to check on me. I didn't realize how much this helped until it started to go away. After the first week or two, people move on, quit talking about it, quit asking how I'm doing. It is a lonely shock at first because I haven't moved on. I'm still thinking about it all the time, still crying about it, but now I'm crying alone. I got the feeling that people were sick of hearing about it or couldn't understand why I wasn't "okay". At first this "moving on" hurt a lot. But as I've approached five weeks since I lost my baby, I am starting to be "okay" (as much as you can be) and I realize that people must move on. You can't be sad forever, and for them to constantly be wrapped up in my sadness is probably exhausting for them. They have their own lives, their own problems and they can't stay with me in mine.

It's an adjustment, but it's necessary.

I do appreciate so much though when a coworker or friend asks "how are you doing?" Even if I'm fine at the moment or don't have much to say in response other than "okay", it means the world that they bothered to ask. That they are still thinking about me and realize that I'm still grieving. Nothing is worse than someone who knows I lost my baby but never says a thing about it, never asks or brings it up or bother to even simply say "I'm sorry"or "been thinking about you". The simple acknowledgement of my pain for even a split second touches my heart more than people know.

The pastor at my church called me the other day to check on me. It meant so much. It had been a couple of weeks since he'd called and I thought like everyone else, he had moved on. When I picked up the phone and he was on the other end, it made me tear up a little that someone still cared, still wanted to talk about it, still saw that I might be feeling alone. It made my day.

Then there are the friends and coworkers who have lost a baby themselves in the past. They know. They are the most helpful. They acknowledge that I'm not totally "fine" yet and that it's ok if I'm still a little sad. I want to thank them. If anything good can come of my loss, I hope one thing is that I am able to be that person for anyone who loses a baby in the future. That I can relate and be there for them like my mom, Brenda, Erin, Hannah, Cate, Christina and Rachel have been there for me. They know. They've felt it. They've been there. The best people to talk to are those who've either struggled to get pregnant, had a miscarriage or lost a baby. They understand the longing and the pain completely. I am grateful for their words.

The perfect time

I don't think there could ever be a good time to lose a baby, but I've been thinking that IF I had to lose a baby, I lost mine at the perfect time.

If I had lost her just a few weeks earlier, they would have labeled it a simple miscarriage that required a D&C. Not far enough along to deliver and acknowledge it as a baby. I think this would be so hard because you wouldn't get to see your baby or know if it was a boy or girl. Wouldn't be able to name the baby, get footprints, a "birth certificate" or pictures. No one would really acknowledge that you lost a baby. I think people wouldn't see it as much of a loss... "oh she just miscarried, that happens sometimes".

The fact that I got to give birth to my baby, name her, hold her, celebrate her short life inside of me and have the nurses and doctors treat her as a baby and not just some tissue you throw in the trash made such a difference to me. I got to decide if I wanted her cremated or buried just like you would any other lost family member. Honored and remembered.

But on the flip side it would have been worse if I was any further along than I already was. If I had found out the gender that day, I would've started to decorate the room, buy things for her, call her by name and get even more attached than I already was. I think losing a late term pregnancy would be so so much harder. To have to go through painful labor and delivery only to deliver a fully grown but dead baby would be pure torture. My physical pain and effort were very minimal with such a small baby and I'm grateful for that.

I lost Brynn at the perfect "in between" time and it's one thing I'm thankful for in this whole mess.

such a waste

from the thursday evening August 4th when I saw those two perfect pink lines on that pee stick, I immediately started altering everything I did, every decision I made for this baby.

August 6th we had already arranged for a sitter for Corynn so Erik and I could go to oceans of fun together for my birthday. Every year we go to the dinner theater for Erik's birthday in January and we had thought of something summery that we could do every year for my birthday. But after I had found out I was newly pregnant, we decided not to go. The chlorine, the sunscreen, the jarring activity of water slides etc... too dangerous for the baby.

I always take a benadryl/ unisom/ tylenol pm before bed if I have to work the next morning because the anxiety of wondering what I'm going to be facing at work the next day causes me not to sleep well. But I had quit taking these even before I found out I was pregnant. As soon as there was even a possibility I could get pregnant, I stopped. These are supposed to be safe in pregnancy, but I try to avoid any medication in the first trimester. So I just had restless sleep instead.

Same with Tylenol. Supposed to be safe, but I stayed away from it until 10 weeks despite constant headaches I get when I'm pregnant.

No caffeine.

No diet soda. I love diet coke, but I'm just not sure about the effects of the artificial sweetener. I avoided artificial sweeteners of any kind.

And then at 11 weeks, I got gestational diabetes, so then I avoided sweets altogether. I poked my finger four times a day, counted my carbs, ate very tasteless meals, could not indulge in pregnancy cravings and ate high protein meals first thing in the morning despite morning sickness.

I had many blood draws to check HCG and progesterone levels, glucose tests and genetic screenings.

I took progesterone supplements twice a day that made me sick to my stomach.

I had four early ultrasounds to check on the baby. All costing big $$$

And then I had a delivery in the hospital, costing me $3000, and all of it, every single one of these sacrifices were all for nothing. Seems like such a waste.

What I grieve

The loss of my daughter Brynn as a person

The loss of my pregnancy

The loss of the idea of having matching names for my girls and giving up a favorite name

The loss of Corynn having a sister

The loss of my kids being close in age

Bad week = depression

The last week was terribly depressing for me. I sort of went down hill compared to the week before and after talking it out, I realize it was a pretty heavy week and vulnerable to depression. It was really a perfect storm of events.

Last thursday I got that horrible email which although I know she is crazy, did hurt my feelings. It made me cry. How could someone be so hurtful to a person who just lost their baby? To say such personal and hateful things to me about how I'm trying to grieve. I was blown away and seriously hurt, but couldn't really talk about it because everyone just kept telling me not to worry about her and not to take anything she said seriously. I knew not to, but I just still needed to talk and cry about it.

Then last Friday I got the call reminding me of my appointment for my perinatologist ultrasound and I had to say the words out loud "my baby died".

Sunday I discussed how we would be doing a christmas gift exchange with my family. I wanted to keep it very simple for $$ reasons and they did not. I had to mention that I am swimming in thousands of dollars of medical bills without a baby to show for it. I broke down at this point.

Monday. 19 weeks exactly. This is how far along I was when I found out Corynn was a girl and it was such a fun celebration. No celebration for Brynn.

Tuesday (my moms birthday) This was the day of the big ultrasound, knowing the gender for sure, finding out all the details of the baby, if she was healthy and if everything looked ok (I will never know for sure)

Wednesday I was supposed to have an 8:30 OB appointment. Instead I had a 9:30 dentist appointment to get a crown. Something you can't do while pregnant. As I was laying in that chair getting my tooth drilled on, I was thinking "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be hearing the sound of a drill, I'm supposed to be hearing the sound of my baby's heart on a doppler right now."

Thursday. Thanksgiving. I have to work and it's the first holiday without my baby inside of me. It feels lonely, I want to cry, but I have to put on a happy face at work. I had a plate of dinner my mom had brought over for me. It was good, but I started crying after a few bites.... I'm not supposed to be eating these carbs. I should be checking my blood sugar.

Friday, I can't recover from my hard day at work because I have to go back and do it again.

Saturday we were supposed to celebrate thanksgiving with Erik's extended family. His mom had moved the celebration a while ago just for me since I couldn't celebrate on thursday but I couldn't do it. Couldn't celebrate with extended family members that I maybe see once a year. I had to ruin thanksgiving and stay home.

Sunday. It's now time to move on to the next holiday without Brynn. Christmas. I put on the christmas music, light some candles, get out the tree and try my hardest to feel the holiday cheer, but it is sad. I struggle to be happy. I should be at the half way point in my pregnancy. I was supposed to be pregnant on christmas, but instead I'm hanging up her "memory" ornaments instead of "baby's first christmas".

I think I'm ready for January. I'm ready to be done with the holidays and the reminders that I'm not pregnant. As soon as you find out you're pregnant, you think about how far along you will be at every holiday, every milestone. I had pictured Halloween 16 weeks, Thanksgiving 19 weeks, Christmas 24 weeks, Eriks birthday 28 weeks, Valentines day 31 weeks, Easter 39 weeks. Each time one of them comes up will be like another loss. A loss of where I would've been, what my belly would've looked like, how happy and excited we would've been. In January, the major holidays will be over and I will be able to start trying again for another baby. Then maybe having something new to focus on will help.

Game face

Working is harder than I thought it would be. My first day back to work wasn't so bad because I had my orientee with me, who pretty much did all the work so I just had to be available for any questions she might have and the babies we took care of didn't have any visitors all day and I only had to work one day and then was off for six days after that and I had a support group meeting immediately following work that night. It really was a perfect way to ease back into work.

But then this week was hard. I had already been feeling significantly more depressed than last week, for several reasons I think, and it happened to be the first holiday since losing Brynn and I had particularly needy, chatty families. Taking care of the babies does not bother me at all, because they don't need anything from me emotionally. It's easy to take care of a baby's emotional needs. Just cuddle them, hold them, smile at them, give them their binki.... but the parents are the ones who demand me to be on my "emotional game". I have to hold it together for them, be their support, validate their feelings, show sympathy or empathy, be little miss customer service and this is really hard to do when my own emotions are taking me down. When I want to sit in a corner and cry because it's thanksgiving and my baby just died but instead I have to feel sorry for a mom who is complaining that her baby didn't make it home before thanksgiving and all I want to say to her is "be glad your baby is alive, it could be worse." It is hard. And then to have to go home, cry a lot and then come back the next day to the same parents and do it all over again was draining to say the least.

I really wondered this week if I was emotionally ready to be back at work. I had thought I was, but I definitely struggled.

I technically could've taken FMLA and had up to three months off if I felt I really needed it, but the only reason I came back to work in a hurry is because of the hope that I will get pregnant again soon. I hope I will be having a baby by this time next year. Hope. And if I do, I will be needing that FMLA for maternity leave.

But then there is a good chance that this won't happen as quickly as I would like, and then I won't need that FMLA time within the next year, and could've used it now. I think this makes it hard for me to be at work as well. I know that the only reason I am making myself suffer through my very emotionally giving job is because of a little thread of hope that I'm holding on to but that I know may not be real. I may be setting aside my emotional well being all for nothing. But the hope of a quick pregnancy is what gets me to put my game face on for a twelve hour day of work and give what little I have to give of myself.

I can relate

These are exerts from a book about a woman's miscarriage. Some of the things she says are exactly what I feel:

"It should've been october when they wheeled me down the hall in to the room and hooked up an IV bag, poked and probed and prepped, but at six months early there are no videos of a baby screaming into life in full color. Just a black and white sonogram snapshot of a baby still cradled in its tomb. No soft flesh to pass through me into life, just a sterile metal rod to scrape the death from my womb. No certificate of birth, just a bottle of pills for the cramps. I guess that's what happens when it's April and it should've been october."

The bill came in the mail today. I didn't recognize the return address, but when I opened the envelope and read the description of services, I knew. Anesthesia, D&C. I shuddered. Had I really expected him to do it for free? It was just a job to him. Tidying up the death that had ravaged my dreams. At the end of the day, he would go home to his family and forget the details of the day. Did I really expect him to weep for me?

"The clank of the mailbox lid, the click of the mailman's heals on the white cement porch, tell me the mail is here. My husband opens the door and brings it in: the Penny-saver, a coupon for dish soap, the electric bill, a sweepstakes giveaway. I hate the mail. It stings like salt in an open wound. It tells me that to everyone else, today is just another ordinary day."

next time

gone are the days of enjoying a care free pregnancy. I was never really the relaxed type to begin with. I wanted all the testings and screenings. I had a home doppler to listen to the HB, I wanted to be on monitors at all times while in labor, I had to know what was going on at all times, but despite all of that, I did have a certain amount of worry-free happiness after I would hit the twelve week mark. Yes, I still worried, but pretty much felt like things would more than likely be ok.

Brynn's unexpected death has turned my thoughts about pregnancy upside down. I thought I was a worried freak before, but look out, now it's going to be ridiculous!!

Next time I will not get excited or relieved when I hit that 12 week mark. I will not jump for joy each time I hit a milestone in the pregnancy because cord accidents can happen up until the moment the baby is born. "20 weeks, 32 weeks"... etc.. will mean nothing to me. You are never out of the woods.

I will not designate a name for the baby until it is here and alive and well. The name will depend on the outcome. I will not decorate the room. At all. I'm not putting the crib up, not painting the walls, not even unpacking clothes until the baby is home with me.

What I will probably do is just put up the bassinet next to my bed about a week or so before the baby is due to come and just get a handful of sleepers to dress the baby in at the hospital, this way there won't be too much of a reminder to come home to in case the baby doesn't make it.

Normally not having everything completely done and put together would drive me crazy, but I don't even care about all of that anymore. With Corynn, I HAD to have the entire nursery done and everything in it's place by 32 weeks. But I've heard so many stories in the support group of people who have lost their babies between 36-40 weeks and had to come home to a completed nursery and it is a reminder every time they walk by that room, but it is also too painful to take it down. I can't imagine that. I am fortunate that we lost Brynn the day we were supposed to find out she was a girl. Once we knew what she was, I had planned to start painting, buying things for the room and start to get things set up. I'm soooo glad I never had a chance to do that. That would just be like pouring salt in a wound. It's bad enough to just walk by the empty room and think what would've been.

I don't want a baby shower or baby "sprinkle" or any type of celebration until the baby is here. I don't want to buy anything and if anyone feels like buying something for the baby, I'm going to kindly request that they do not give it to me until the baby is born.

I wonder if I will have a harder time bonding with the baby while I'm pregnant because of this. I don't want to get too attached, although I probably won't be able to help it.

I would rather have nothing ready to go and have the chaos of having to set it up last minute WITH the new baby than to have everything ready to go and have the pain of coming home WITHOUT a baby. This whole experience has put such a grey cloud over how I will experience pregnancy. It is sad.

comfort

I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, 'Do not close your ear to my cry for help, but give me relief! You came near when I called on you; you said 'Do not fear!' - Lamentations 3:55-57

A falling leaf. On my first day back to work, as I was sitting at the computer charting a single leaf seemingly fell from the sky and slowly floated in front of my window for about 30 seconds until the wind finally swept it away. In some strange way, this brought me comfort. I'm not usually a "signs" kind of person, but the symbol the use for "loss" at shawnee mission was a falling leaf. Somehow I thought this leaf was some sort of symbol of hope that day. It was like Brynn saying "you'll see me again, I'm still here."

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds - psalm 147:3

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life- proverbs 13:12

"I know the sun must set to rise"- song Paradise by Coldplay

I will continue to add to this list...

can't get away

I continue to take prenatal vitamins every night for the possibility of a future pregnancy, but every time I pick up that bottle with the pregnant woman on the front, and swallow that pill it is a quick reminder that I'm no longer taking these pills for Brynn.

I was sitting in church on Sunday trying to find comfort or guidance and next to me sits a brand new mom with her fresh newborn baby.

The perinatologists office called on friday and left a message reminding me of my appointment for my level two ultrasound at 9:30 am Tues Nov 22. I called and told them my baby had died.

Thanksgiving is this week. I can have all the carbs I want but I'm not happy about it.

I get new medical bills almost every day. I owe over $3000 out of pocket now, but have no baby to show for it.

Every monday through April in my calendar has a little number written in the corner that marks how many weeks I would be. Today it says "19"

I finally did a bunch of laundry a few days ago and had a bunch of maternity clothes that I had to return to the very back of my closet.... until next time.

My monthly OB appointment is written in my calendar for Wed Nov 23. I made a dentist appointment in it's place. I can have dental work done now that I'm not pregnant. Guess I should take advantage of it.

I keep bleeding. I won't bleed for two days, so I'll think it's done, but then on the third day it comes back for one day, and then goes away again for another two. It's like it just wants to torture me.

Corynn goes to jump on my stomach and for a second I flinch thinking I need to stop her, but I quickly remember there is no need.

Winter is setting in with it's depressing grey sky and short days. I remember when I realized I would be pregnant through the winter, I thought "oh good, I'll have something to look forward to to keep me from getting winter blues". Now I just have something to make me even more depressed than winter would by itself.

My newly changed password for my work email meant "in November I'll know if it's a boy or girl". Every time I type my password I wanna puke.

M response to the email

This was my response yesterday to the email I got. If you haven't read it yet, read the post below this first, then read this one:

Goodness. I'm sorry you're so angry that you feel you have to take it
out on me. I don't want to feed your anger, but want to address some
points.
1. All people hope for healthy babies. It is a fact. You yourself said
when you were in the NICU that you were so upset because all you had
pictured when you found out you were having twins was having two
little kids running around at your feet while making dinner. I do not
KNOW what you go through on a daily basis, but I can only imagine and
just like you validated my point NO ONE would WANT that or ask for
that. I think every mom prays that their baby will be healthy and
perfect. I know how hard it is for moms in the NICU, I see it all the
time and that is why I would pray that I never had to go through that.
I would never wish it on anyone, including you. I know that anything
could happen to Corynn at any second and I think about it all the
time. But if she were to have some tragic accident, I would still love
her with all my heart and care for her. I would NEVER want her to die
or anyone elses baby to die. I did not want Brynn to die. I did
nothing but cry about it and wonder why this happened. Everyone kept
saying "this probably happened for a reason" so I searched for any
"reason" I could find and while if I could make the decision myself, I
would have choosen for her to live no matter what, the ONLY comfort I
can find is to say that maybe it is better, maybe she would have been
a complete vegetable. I don't even know for sure that anything was
wrong with her, but it is the only thing I can tell myself to keep
myself from falling apart every five seconds.
I could never abort my child. EVER. I do the non-invasive, zero risk
screenings because I talked to a mom of a baby in the NICU once whose
child had downs syndrome and she already knew about it from an amnio
at 18 weeks. She said that having the information early on helped her
prepare, get in touch with support groups and government assistance
programs etc.. She was also able to mourn the loss of her image of a
"perfect" baby before he was born. SHe said it was great because she
was able to tell her family and get it all out before he was born and
by the time he was born, they were done grieving and just happy to
welcome him. She said she thinks it would be so much harder to have
the birth "ruined" by the shock that something is wrong with your
baby. This influenced me. I didn't do the screening with Corynn
because I thought "I won't abort anyway" but did it this time after
talking to this mom. The tests are not just used to decide on
abortion. I thought that if one of the tests had come back with high
risk, I would then get a third trimester amnio so I could know for
sure and be able to prepare myself emotionally before the big day. NOT
to kill my baby. I would love my baby no matter what!
The other reason I do the screenings is to get the best medical
attention possible. Knowing about heart defects and spina bifida or
other problems help make the decision early about what hospital to
deliver at or what NICU to transfer to and you can meet with doctors
and surgeons and get an action plan. I think being prepared for a
tragedy as much as possible is very healthy if you can have that
option.
I do screenings so that I can be proactive in SAVING my baby not KILLING it.

2. When I talked about "letting go" of my matching names, it was clear
I was being sarcastic and critical of my own need to have control and
that this was indeed a wake up call for me that I in fact do not have
control and it is a great lesson I've learned from this horrible
tragedy. You just repeated to me my own blog. I shared my names
because I chose them based on meaning should I ever be unfortunate
enough to be in this awful situation again. I want the names to be
meaningful and mean things like angel, heaven, peace etc.... I think
the fact that you are mocking my grieving process is very hateful.

3. You are probably right, I should probably have had my blog private,
but I had so many people that wanted to read it and I hadn't looked
into how to add each person individually, so I just allowed anyone who
wanted to read it, read it. It is simply a reflection of how I'm
dealing with my grief. Everyone deals with it in a very personal way.
For some, thinking about the next pregnancy would not be helpful, for
me, it helps me get up off of the couch and stop crying. Hope is the
only thing that gets me through and hoping for a healthy child is no
crime. You said in your email that you did not "ask for this" and of
course you didn't. Nobody would pray to God for an unhealthy child.

4. As I said in my "in my face" blog, I love all of my pregnant
friends very much. They have all been supportive and kind (bringing me
meals) and understanding. I am so so happy for them all and have
congratulated them on their arrivals and asked to see pictures and
stay updated. I was also just journaling that it is at the same time
difficult for me to see them and know that we were supposed to be
pregnant together and it reminds me that my baby is gone. That is sad.
It would be for anyone. I never "badmouthed" any of my friends. I just
said it is overwhelming to see so many in one week immediately after
losing my baby.

5. I want nothing more than for your children to be healthy and
thrive. I would never hope for L or anyone else to die!! That is
why I'm a NICU nurse because I only hope I can help make these
children healthy and normal because it is what every parent is hoping
for. I hope that the care we give can give them that wish. The wish
doesn't always come true and it makes me sad because every mom
deserves that. But if the wish doesn't come true, I know that every
mom grieves that loss, but then goes on to love and care for their
baby no matter what and adjust to the new life they never expected. I
would do the same. Every mom does what they have to.

6. I said myself that this entire experience has made me appreciate
Corynn even more than I already did. I already knew how lucky I was to
have her and was grateful for her every second. Does that mean I never
complained about being tired or needing a shower or her being fussy?
No. Every parent struggles with those normal everyday things. But I
never felt that I didn't love her or appreciate every second I had
with her. They are normal complaints. There are support/play groups
for moms to simply get together and talk about the daily life of being
a mom. I am not the only one and it does not make me an evil person. I
actually remember putting her to bed one night a few months ago and
she was playing games and would not go to bed and I remember starting
to get frustrated but also said the exact words to my husband, "she
can be frustrating, but I'm glad she can be frustrating. I'm glad I am
fortunate to have a normal child that can get on my nerves." I already
appreciated her, now I just appreciate her even more! She is the best
thing in my life. You said to "pick a side?" There are no sides. I
have never changed "sides". I'm just pulling any bit of positive I can
from the death of my child and one positive is gaining an even GREATER
love for the child I have.

7. I am not so selfish that I NEED to have TWO kids. I think every day
how lucky I am to have my first child and that if I never have
another, I am grateful I got the chance to have one. What I know is
that I do not want to end my childbearing years with a death. I want
to end on a positive note. I want one more so I can end with a happy
birth, not a dead one. Why should I stop? Why not try to fulfill a
dream of having two healthy children? I think it's a pretty reasonable
hope to have. I have said many times in my blog that it could be a lot
worse, and acknowledge my blessings and that is why I wrote about my
life being perfect. I KNOW things have been good and that things could
be worse. That's exactly the point of that post.

I hope that you are able to get the care you are looking for (but
can't find) for your children and that they grow and surprise every
doctor out there. I am sorry for your tragedy. You never ever deserved
to go into preterm labor or have a child with disabilities, just as I
never deserved to have my baby die. All of us have different struggles
in our life and we all deal with them differently, but I don't think
attacking someone who is newly grieving the loss of their own baby is
a healthy way of coping. I hope that you can find help for yourself to
get healthy and cope with your own difficulties

Private blog :-(

This is an email I received yesterday from a mom of some former twins I cared for two years ago in the NICU. I was their primary nurse and she was a Facebook "friend". THis is why I had to make my blog private.

Tiffany,

WOW!!!!!!

Do I have a lot on my mind right now.......The past 2 weeks I have been thinking alot about you. FYI I have been seeing your facebook updates and reading your blog for the past year or more. I am BEYOND PISSED and UPSET that I even know you or that you ever took care of my children to say the least.

1. You should not be a nurse, much less a NICU nurse.

2. You should probably not even be a mother or have been given the chance to be a mother- especially to a HEALTHY baby, GOD FUCKING FORBID you from ever having a UNHEALTHY child or a child that has CEREBRAL PALSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I am completely DISGUSTEDDDDDDDDDD with what I have read the past couple days in your blog especially tonights blog!

You have no fucking idea what you are talking about. You have no fucking clue what mothers go through on a daily basis of children with special needs or any deficits at all. How can you be taking care of sick, preterm babies, babies fighting for their lives each and every single second. Talking to their moms and encouraging them???????????? You probably secretly hope that every single baby you take care of at work just DIES because they are not HEALTHY!!!! KARMA IS A BITCH! And yours is not done my dear!!!! (remember your life has been utterly PERFECT until 10/31/2011. :)

I spent 110 days with L in the NICU and 115 days in the NICU with G. You have no idea what I went through as a mother and you have no idea what any mother of a child in any NICU goes through because you have never been on that side of things. You are on the other side (which you shouldn't be!!!!). I pray you never take care of a sick child again as a nurse.

Do you have any idea what I go through on a daily basis?????? NO!!!!! My daughter is over 2 years old and just now can sit up on her own. She doesn't walk yet, doesnt' talk, and is still on thickened liquids (there is much more to list of her deficits but I will SPARE you the details because I know how DISGUSTING this is to you to hear about a NON-PERFECT child being born and that is still alive-STRUGGLING!!!!!. I guess you should bring a gun over and shoot L in the FUCKING FACE because she is diagnosed with CEREBRAL PALSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why woulld anyone want a child with this diagnosis. WAIT?!!!!! Thats what I always hoped for!!!!! I wanted this!!!!! I wanted all of these struggles in my life and every day wondering what I did to deserve this, going to couseling, taking medication, and being a complete bitch to my husband for no reason at all because I still BLAME myself for something that I may have done (which all the doctors keep telling me that nothing I did was my fault). I wasn't even trying to get pregnant much less have twins. AND no I didn't drink caffinne or smoke or do drugs to deserve going into spontaneously preterm labor at 26.6 weeks. AND no I didn't get punched in the stomach or get beaten to deserve my daughter to have a subdural hematoma that caused an anoxic brain inury!!!! I have so MANY fucking questions for GOD/doctors (AND NOOOOOOOOOOO ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that I don't know if he will ever be able to answer them. Atleast you TIFFANY have answers of why your second child "died". I have felt so sorry for you since this happened on halloween and now I am disgusted that I ever wasted any time praying for god to comfort you or have ever spent any time thinking about you or how you were feeling.

If you have all of these things running through your mind then maybe you should write them in a notebook and keep it to yourself-no one with UNHEALTHY children wants to read this SHIT!!!!!!! I hope all the people that you assume are reading your blog have HEALTHY children. And for you to even bad mouth J of all people for bringing you food while she was 9 months pregnant and being pissed about her being pregnant is crazy. At least J wouldn't kill her child in the womb if it had a genetic defect. You have been so fucking paranoid about genetic defects, getting all of these extra tests done to make EXTRA sure your child is healthy is ridiculous. I BELIEVE that you are a person that if found out there was any chance at all that your child might have a predisposition to be genetically defected you would get an abortion- probably even in the 9th month!!!!!

GUESS WHAT?!!!!! Reality is you have 1 child, Corynn that is supposedly PERFECT (now) and you are still a UNGRATEFUL BITCH! You have to have 2!!!!!!! Healthy!!!! Right??????????? (OH NO HOW THEIR NAMES WON"T MATCH- damn it you had to use that "matching" name for your DEAD baby!) You can't wait to start having sex and get pregnant again, can you?????????? Better hope that it's healthy!!!!! OR doesn't do summersaults again and wrap it's cord around it's neck, and better hope that your multi vitamins work and your folic acid is high enough for your baby to not develop spina bifidia- oh wait that wouldn't matter because you would just KILL it by having a abortion (because you already have a ANGEL name picked out!!!!) Then you could just go have sex again and try for another HEALTHY baby.....oh wait, that might not happen but don't worry Tiffany because you have 4 ANGEL names picked out!!!!!! Since your such a planner you better hope that you don't have more than 4 more miscarriages or sontaenously early labors- because then you might have to use a name that you didn't prepare for?!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! something might happen in your life that you didn't plan!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT GOD AND CANNOT PLAN YOUR LIFE!!!!!

Lets talk about the quilts of DEAD children at childrens mercy for a second- YES THEY PISS ME THE FUCK OFF and probably every other parent of a sick child in the hospital that is living, has cancer, or is fighting to stay alive in the NICU. I don't want to see that shit every time I walk to the caffeteria, to an elevator, or to a doctors appt. I DON'T WANT my childs picture up there. It doesn't give you hope it gives you FEAR that your childs picture will be up there. Maybe it is comforting to those that have lost their child but do they have to go to that hospital multiple times a year and see that quilt? NO it's the parents of sick children that have to walk by them. I walked by those damn quilts from 7/11/09- 10/20/09 every day praying that my childs face wouldn't be up there. They should be in a certain spot in the hospital that is optionalfor people to visit. NOT shoved down your throat every corner you turn seeing dead faces of babies with tubes down every orifice of their body. Now that I think about it you probably like seeing all of the dead babies up there because they were UNHEALTHY and should have never even have been born much less lived!!!!! RIGHT TIFFANY?????!!!!

I have pages and more pages to write to you and much more on my mind- believe me!!!! But for now this will do. I hope to never see your face again or hear about "horrible" your life is. And I hope you never bitch about how Corynn is annoying you- but wait she is walking now and that is so "freeing!!!!" right????? You bitched for the last year about how annoying she has been to you and you can't get shit done and now you are grateful for it. Pick a fucking side- do you want children or not? And if so then don't complain all the time. If you for some reason you ever do have a child that does happen to have special needs I feel sorry for them because you will never give them the love or attention that they deserve because you are a selfish awful human being. If for some reason I do see your face again I want you to not acknowledge me, my kids, or my husband. You better run fast! I wish I would have never met you, or have you taken care of my kids in the NICU.

In the end.....God will give you what YOU truly deserve!

OB follow up

Today was my two week follow up with my OB. I had a million questions and meant to write a blog before the appt about some research I'd done and thoughts I had about Brynn's death. I'll write about those first.

At the delivery, my mom had noticed that her cord was very thin and fragile and the doctor had made the same statement to me and at the time I simply asked if that was because of the early gestation and she hesitantly said "ummm partly" but acted like there was something else she was thinking but didn't want to share. I just thought maybe she was thinking that it was also just fragile from all the stretching and trauma of being pulled so tight and she just didn't want to be too graphic with me. But as I've been reading Dr Jason Collins book "Silent risk: issues with the human umbilical cord" I read about straight cords. I had never heard of this.

A normal umbilical cord has one vein and two arteries and the vessels sort of braid over one another creating a helical pattern and then the whole thing twists around as if taking a braid and then twisting the ponytail. This coiling gives the cord extra strength against being compressed too easily. Then the vessels are surrounded in the white thick connective tissue called Whartons Jelly. The Jelly is there to also protect the vessels from easy kinking or compression. The book reads that cords that are straight and lack whartons jelly almost always end in fetal death because it is so easy to wrap around things and pinch off.

After reading this I wondered about her cord. I looked up a picture of another 16 week fetus and compared it to hers and they were VERY different. I truly think her cord was a two vessel straight cord with little to no whartons jelly.

As I read about these things I read that two vessel cords are often straight because having the three vessels is what makes them want to braid themselves in the first place. These cords are also associated with other congenital anomolies, but not always. Sometimes there can simply be an issue with the cord, but the baby is otherwise fine. I read online in a couple of places that they are associated with gestational diabetes, but couldn't find any solid information about this link.

After I read this information, I started to feel better about what happened. I wondered if she had had abnormalities and if so, then that would have been life altering for us to care for her. OR, if she was otherwise normal, the book says that babies who do get lucky enough make it to term with a straight cord can have neurological deficits from the cord being periodically compressed for short periods of time throughout the pregnancy; not enough to stop the heart, but enough to just slow it down occasionally until the baby moves away from it. This can cause insults to the brain and lead to cerebral palsy, mental retardation or worse. When I read this I realized that this may have been a bit of a blessing in disguise. When I was trying to get pregnant I would pray and pray for God to give me a NORMAL and HEALTHY baby and I would say that if I couldn't have a normal healthy baby, then I didn't want one at all. I started to think that God was actually answering my prayers by taking Brynn.

I felt that Brynn was right where she needed to be.I had wondered though that if God were answering my prayers about having a "normal" child then why would he have given me Brynn in
the first place? Why not just wait and give me a normal baby? I like to answer my own question with the rationalization that God knows I'm impatient and if I had not gotten pregnant that month, I would have been soooooo upset and frustrated. He knew that was not the right baby for me, but let me have the reassurance that I can and will get pregnant. I hate when other people tell me everything happens for a reason, but it's ok for me to come to these conclusions about my own life. Thinking that this was the reason for everything gave me some sort of peace about what had happened.

So, today when I went for my appt, I had really hoped that my doctor had some kind of report about what they found with the cord, but she didn't have anything like this. It didn't sound like the other doctor had reported any abnormal findings or written anything about the cord at all other than the fact that it was wrapped around the neck and that was the cause of death. It was as though she saw that the cord around the neck was the cause and saw no other reason to look for any kind of abnormalities or examine the cord or placenta any further. I'm a little frustrated about this.

My doctor came in and said that this is just a rare fluke accident. I asked if it was a two vessel or three vessel cord and she said she didn't know. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?! Did anybody really look at it? I thought that was standard procedure at EVERY birth! This was a little frustrating for me because I was really hoping for some solid answers. My doc assured me that even if it were a two vessel cord, she has delivered many two vessel cord babies at term with no problems. So then I asked about it being a straight cord and lack of whartons jelly. She gave me the line about it being fragile because of the early gestation and that it was otherwise normal. Well, I'm not sure she KNOWS it was normal, she just knows that nothing abnormal was written about it, so she is assuming so.

I pulled out my comparison pictures of Brynn's cord and another spontaneously aborted 16 wk fetus and it's cord. VERY different. But she took a look at it, studied the differences for a moment, said "I see what you mean" and then quickly explained it away.

You see, I LOVE my doctor but she has one flaw and that is... if she doesn't think of something or come up with an idea on her own, she is slow to warm up to the suggestion. So, in other words, since she didn't know of any possibility of a cord abnormality prior to me suggesting it, she doesn't want to totally validate my point. She has to be the all knowing smart one. She IS the doctor after all ;-)

So I got the feeling that she sort of agreed with me but was hesitant to really make a diagnosis. She said that my baby had endured a lot of trauma from the way she died. She had a lot of internal bleeding and swelling and her cord was damaged, so it wasn't going to look normal.

I had wondered about her abdominal organs being abnormal because her belly was swollen and her organs were just sort of hanging out compared to the online fetus picture, but my doctor said that that is just from the bleeding and swelling and that the online baby looked like it was a spontaneous premature rupture of membranes (water broke early) but that the baby was totally fine.

She also pointed out that I had a 12 week ultrasound from a perinatologist who looked at those things and said they were perfect. I asked if E and I should have our chromosomes checked to make sure they are normal and we did not cause some kind of problem. She again reminded me that my 12 week genetic screening put me at VERY low chance of a genetic problem and the ultrasound was great. And we had one totally healthy baby already so the chance of our chromosomes being abnormal is low and she still did not see that anything was wrong with Brynn that would warrant that kind of thinking.

But as I went on asking about possible causes of her having a straight cord, my doc never directly argued with me saying "no she didn't have a straight cord". She was willing to talk about causes which tells me she DOES think she possibly had a straight cord, but just isn't willing to say for sure.

I asked about the GD link and she said this doesn't make any sense because GD occurs after the cord is already formed. I had agreed with this point, but just wondered what the association would be. She said she'd never heard of this and thought it was ridiculous.

But, I took metformin in the first trimester with Corynn. This med was originally prescribed to boost fertility/ make me ovulate more frequently. The thought is that I lack the normal amount of insulin receptors which makes me have a higher level of "floating" insulin in my blood... insulin is a hormone and it throws off my hormonal balance of estrogen and progesterone. Metformin makes you absorb less sugar, therefore needing less insulin and it's supposed to make your insulin receptors work better. Then I stayed on it through the first trimester to help my hormone levels and prevent miscarriage.

When I started trying to get pregnant with Brynn I was not noticing any more frequent ovulation on the metformin and it gave me nasty GI side effects, so my doc said I probably didn't need it and could stop taking it.

Well, I now wonder if this difference had any effect on the development of Brynn's cord. Maybe higher insulin levels or borderline high blood sugars? She wasn't sold on this idea, but said I could take metformin in the next pregnancy if it would make me feel better.

I also asked about Femara. This drug is used to induce ovulation but is KNOWN to cause birth defects if taken WHILE pregnant (it is given prior to pregnancy) and the FDA won't even approve it for this purpose because of this. It is actually a breast cancer drug that lowers estrogen but all reproductive endocrinologists use it now and most OB's are moving in that direction. It's half life clears it completely out of your system 10 days after taking it, so if taken cycle days 3-7, it should be gone by cycle day 17 and I did not ovulate until cycle day 35 so there shouldn't have been any affect on the baby, but I'm just suspicious of it now. I took Clomid and metformin with Corynn and she is perfect, so I'm just wondering if I should do the same thing next time as well as the GD diet from day one.

I have a friend who has trouble getting pregnant and she has been pregnant three times. Two times she used femara and miscarried both times. The third baby she got with no meds and carried that baby to term. Could be just a coincidence, but it makes me wonder.

My doc said she would do Clomid for the next baby if it would make me feel better but that she delivers healthy babies on Femara all the time and would prefer it because it has a lower risk of twins. I will have to think about this and do some more research before I make my decision.

My doctor wanted to emphasize that there is nothing I did or didn't do that caused this and there is no one thing I can change to make sure it doesn't happen again. She said

"I would love to be able to give you that answer and reassurance, but I truly think your baby just did too many somersaults and there is nothing that could've changed that. You are the perfect patient. Very careful, very conscientious. I have patients addicted to drugs that deliver perfect babies. This was just a rare unfortunate accident."

This is tough for me because I wish there were an answer. I wish there was something I could change or do differently. I took prenatal vitamins nine months before getting pregnant and religiously every day. I drink nothing but milk and water in the first trimester. No caffeine. No cold deli meat. No medicine, not even tylenol until 10 weeks. I ate extra spinach, lentils and oranges during 5-6 weeks because they have extra folic acid. I do everything PERFECT. This RARE accident should not have happened to my baby.

Without me even having to ask, my doctor said that she knows I will have very high anxiety with the next pregnancy and it is going to be a LONG nine months and said we will do very close monitoring. She said I will have an early ultrasound examining the make up and position of the cord. Then I will have weekly biophysical ultrasounds starting at 24 weeks and if at any time the cord looks to be in a dangerous position, I would then have the option to be placed on hospital continuous monitoring or deliver if I am far enough along that we think it would be safe. She will also induce me at 38 weeks just to cut two weeks off the time that the baby could get tangled in it's cord. This will be wonderful! I am going to be a nervous wreck and the thing I love most about my doctor is that she knows me well and gives me what I want!

So, overall I was a little disappointed in the lack of hard answers I got in my appt today.

Thinking that something was or might have been wrong with Brynn was really helping me, but my doctor kind of shot down my rationale and left me again wondering why this happened :-/

The thought that she and her cord were perfect and she would've been a normal baby makes me feel uneasy again.

But I am satisfied in her confidence that this is unlikely to happen again, and that she will monitor me closely to make me feel better.

Alternate names

I am a planner. Big time. Everything always goes according to my plan, and I make sure of it. The death of Brynn was not part of my plan! We had our names picked out for a long time. We both agreed from before we got married that we wanted two kids. No more, no less. Early on, we picked out two girl names and two boy names. They matched, they had ties, they were PERFECT. First came Corynn, my all time favorite girl name and her middle name Erika after her daddy Erik. Then, we had a second girl, we would use Brynn. It rhymed and we loved it and her middle name would be Erin because Corynn's middle name was only one letter different from daddy's name, so Brynn's had to be as well. The names were perfectly created to go with my perfectly created life and family.

As I said in my original post about the day Brynn was born, we struggled with the idea of using this name. I had never prepared another name. I never thought of an alternate in the case that she didn't make it. She was Brynn. I had nothing else to call her in my mind. We came up with another name at the last minute, but it was wrong and fake, so in the end we said goodbye to our matching girl names and gave her the name she was going to have.

Being a control freak and planner, this has been difficult for me. Now what will I use for a girl name if we have another? I had never thought of any others. I didn't like anything else that rhymed with Corynn, and what about the middle name? I had run out of options for one letter alterations of Erik. Erika and Erin were all I had.

Now it was all messed up. I am glad I gave Brynn her name. I feel very good about that. But it did leave me feeling a little lost.

So over the last two weeks, I have spent a lot of time looking for names. Some might think this is weird, but for me it has helped me move on and think about the future. It's good therapy for a planner like myself.

I have come up with names for babies that make it/ live and babies who don't make it and become little angels.

There is always a chance I could have twins because I will be taking mild fertility meds to make me ovulate, so I have two names for each gender and each outcome. I had to give up on my rhyming names idea. I tried to find others, but nothing fit. They will just have to have completely different names (as most siblings do) and I will just have to be asymmetrical for once ;-)

I decided to look for names with meaning. In the past, I have never picked names by meaning. I picked them solely on whether or not I liked the sound of them. Brynn's names mean "a small hill from ireland" and Corynn's names mean "maiden ever powerful". Again, they were not picked for their meanings, but my future babies will be. My boy names for surviving boys have been picked and set for a long time, so they aren't chosen for meaning, but Angel boys, Angel girls and surviving girls all have meaningful names.

(I did have them listed below, but decided to remove them because I don't want judgement or opinions of how "weird" it is that I thought about alternate names or how/what I choose to name my angel babies if I'm unfortunate to have another, so I won't tell anyone except my closest family and friends what the name is going to be until the baby is born.This way no one will know if I gave the baby the "original" name or the "alternate" name. I'm amazed how judgmental people can be over someone else's grieving process when they've never experienced it themselves.)

My tragedy

I always thought my life was too perfect. Up to this point, I had never experienced any real true pain. No one REALLY close to me has ever died, I got straight A's, got in to the school I wanted, got the perfect job I wanted right out of school, met the love of my life and only guy I ever had to date (because he was perfect) at a young age and got married. He got a good job right out of school as well. Neither of us were affected by the recession as our jobs remained very secure. We bought our house just before the housing crash, so we were able to get our loan without a major down payment and the house is a good size to have kids in and it's in a great school district. I struggled for a few months to conceive C, but was able to get pregnant relatively easy compared to some and she was born healthy. I got into the daycare at work pretty quickly. For those who don't know, this is great for nurses because it's the only place that works with your ever changing schedule, allows for 12 hour days and you can pay by the day instead of the week. I have a wonderful loving and supportive family. I never had any serious health conditions. Nothing was bad in my life. Sure, I had the day to day little struggles, but overall things were pretty much perfect.

In the last couple of years, I had actually been thinking that I was due for a tragedy. I thought, nobody's life can be this good... eventually something would be coming for me. Some horrible thing was going to happen.

Then, after only three months of trying, I was pregnant again!!! I made it through the first trimester and everything was looking good. I remember thinking, "is God really going to bless me this much? I get to have TWO healthy kids? And a great husband? And a great job? Is my life really going to be this perfect?"

Intuition is a funny thing. When I got pregnant in July, I just had a strong strong feeling that that was going to be THE month. I was GOING to get pregnant. I just knew it. And I was right. And then I had my worries, but KNEW I was not going to miscarry in the first trimester. I was pretty sure things were going to be ok. But then, as I approached the twelve week mark, I started to worry. I had a strange feeling that something was going to happen in the early second trimester. I had heard other women on baby center say things like "I just knew something was wrong" or "I had a strong feeling this baby wouldn't make it" and they would be right, their baby didn't make it. I had this feeling too, but thought that as long as I didn't say it out loud, then it wouldn't be real.

I would have started my maternity leave just before Easter next year, but I decided to go ahead and request PTO on Easter. I shouldn't have needed to because I would've been off anyway, but I remember telling my mom that I asked off just in case something happened to this baby and I wasn't on maternity leave, because then I would be mad if I were working Easter. She thought I was crazy, but I said "you never know, what if something happens to the baby in November or December."

I also asked my sister who will be graduating in May what her exact graduation day was so I could be sure I was off. Again, I should have been on maternity leave at that time, so why was I even worrying about this?

I had a strong feeling that something was going to happen in the teens. Sometime between 15-19 weeks to be exact. I just had a feeling. That's why I said to E that day "if something happens to this baby, I'm not sure I would want to try for another." Something kept telling me that something was going to happen, but I was trying to ignore and explain it away as paranoia. Although, I was paranoid when I was pregnant with C, but despite that, I was still fairly confident that everything would be ok. This time was different and my feelings were right. I didn't know how or when this "something" would happen, so I was still very shocked when it did because I never wanted my intuition to be correct. I hoped I was wrong.

I only hope that I have now paid my dues, I've had my tragedy. My life is no longer picture perfect. I have felt true pain and sadness and felt the unfairness of life. I hope that is IT for awhile. I hope God will give me a break and shine the happiness of a new healthy baby on me fairly soon.

I have been thinking a lot that it could have been worse. I am trying to be grateful that my tragedy was not as bad as it could've been. Things that would be worse: Something happening to C or E. My mom being gone. Getting diagnosed with a terminal illness. Carrying a baby to term and THEN losing it. I'm glad B went as early as she did before I got anymore attached. Something going wrong and having to have a hysterectomy and not having the hope of having another baby. It could definitely be a lot worse, and reminding myself of this helps me get through my tragedy.

Too much

I've been doing pretty good the last few days. It's wednesday and I hadn't really cried since church on Sunday. Until tonight. Right now. I've just been trying to move on and was doing pretty well with things. Talking about it, getting it out. But I've had a lot of happy healthy pregnancies around me the last two days. Yesterday a friend brought me food which was super nice and appreciated, but she is largely pregnant and having a C section on Friday. Then I got together to have a play date with another friend who is also pregnant well into her second trimester. Then tonight I see on FB that one of my friends is on her way to the hospital to be induced and another's water just broke. And another friend found out the gender of her baby today and she is due two weeks after I was. I am very happy for all of these girls, but so much happy healthy pregnancy and birth all at once is very overwhelming. I just think where I would be right now. I should be 17 wks and 2 days pregnant and happily talking to Brynn now knowing she is a girl. I should be unpacking all the baby girl clothes from the basement and picking out purple paint for her room that was supposed to be decorated in a fairy theme. I should be imagining what it will be like to have two girls and finding matching outfits for C and B. I should be reading about my friends in labor and anxiously anticipating April when it would be my turn. But all of those dreams are shattered. I heard on the radio today that the Duggars are expecting their 20th child in APRIL of all months. I can't help but be a little resentful about this. Why do they get so many healthy babies? TWENTY? I mean, is that really fair? She's like 45 years old. I'm 28 and it's a giant hassle for me to get pregnant and then my baby freaking dies. I just want what so many have right now. I know there are many women who lose babies, and I'm lucky to have even one, but it's so hard when I was so close to having another. I'm trying really hard not to hate being around or hearing about pregnant people because I don't want to be bitter, but after so much of it, I just eventually break down and get soooo depressed again. Going back to work is going to be such a struggle.... pregnancy and babies everywhere you turn. Sigh

Hoping for a RAINBOW

So, I'm trying to move forward and the best way for me to do this is to start focusing on trying for another baby. My doctor wants me to wait three months to try, but I begged her to let me try sooner and told her I wouldn't feel whole again until I had another baby. She said I absolutely HAD to wait one month and that if I happened to get pregnant on my own then we would just deal with it, but that I can't do any fertility meds until three months. She said my endometrium needs time to build back up to support a pregnancy or I could risk early miscarriage. I'm torn because I really don't want a miscarriage right after losing Brynn, but I also feel like if I ovulate on my own, then my body is ready to handle another pregnancy because I RARELY ovulate anyway, so if I do, I'm gonna have trouble resisting.

For those who don't know, a "rainbow baby" is a term used for a baby after a miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn loss. It's the "rainbow after the storm". It's a common babycenter term.

But, I am terrified of this happening again. I've been reading a lot about cord accidents lately and they are fairly common. 1/1000 babies dies from their cord and 3/1000 babies obtains neurological injury from the cord. They are more common with a posterior placenta, which is exactly what Brynn had. I had actually wondered this myself because both C and Brynn were always laying down against the back wall of my uterus and facing up (until C engaged and went head down). C's placenta was anterior so her cord fell nicely onto her belly, but Brynn was always laying on her placenta, so the cord had to reach around from behind her, making it really easy to get tangled.

Something I always think about is that Brynn was perfectly formed. The first trimester screening put her in the clear of any genetic abnormalities and all her organs were normal. I worry that my next baby will not be normal. I've now made two normal babies and I feel like with each additional pregnancy, my chances of having an abnormal child go up. I pray for one more healthy, normal, living child. I've always said that if I could have two healthy children, I would stop there and not push my luck with more. Now I feel like I'll technically be having a third and this makes me nervous.

I was looking back at Brynn's 12 week ultrasound and I can already see that her cord was tangled around her neck. But, I'm not sure if I would've wanted to know about it then. I guess it could've prepared me for the possibility of death, but then again that would have just been extra worry that I could do nothing about.

I think that I do want to have frequent ultrasounds with cord flow and position checks with my next pregnancy, especially after 28 weeks when we could deliver the baby if it looked like the cord posed more risk than prematurity would.

I just pray that this doesn't happen again. Surely that won't happen two times, right?!